Name An SF Film With a Mimeograph In It

By Kim Huett: The Day The Earth Caught Fire is a 1961 British Lion/Pax Universal film produced and directed by Val Guest (director of the Hammer films, The Quatermass Xperiment (1955) and Quatermass 2 (1957)), who with Wolf Mankowitz, also wrote the screenplay. Additionally, I also see in the credits that Beatnik music was provided by Monty Norman and you don’t see too many science fiction films featuring Beatnik music.

The film stars Leo McKern, Janet Munro, and Edward Judd and deserves to be better remembered as not only is it quite well made (barring some slightly dodgy special effects) but it also avoids the overused Earth being invaded by aliens plot. Instead The Day The Earth Caught Fire revolves around the idea of what would happen if H-bomb testing knocked the Earth out of its orbit and sent it spiraling towards the Sun. It’s a rather earnest anti-nuclear story that’s very much a product of the early sixties, but that’s what makes it so interesting.

(Just as an aside, I see Leo McKern and Edward Judd were both in an earlier SF film I’m keen to watch, X the Unknown, which features a living radioactive mass. These two don’t seem to have had much luck with radioactivity. In other startling news during Janet Munro’s disappointingly short film career she was in The Crawling Eye, a 1958 mess that made it on to MST3K. Despite the film being quite terrible it has her, Forrest Tucker, and Warren Mitchel in the cast.)

Anyway, apart from anything else much of the film is set in the offices of a daily newspaper which means that scene after scene is filled with the technology of yesterday in full use. However the best scene as far as I’m concerned involves Edward Judd entering the Press Office of the Meteorological Centre only to discover Janet Munro attempting to clean (or so I assume) a certain piece of technology once central to fanzine production. As far as I’m aware The Day The Earth Caught Fire is the only science fiction film to feature a mimeograph machine and that alone makes it special in my book.

[Reprinted by permission.]

SFWA’s Latest Recruitment Anthem

Kate Heartfield, Darusha Wehm Emperor Stardust (Henry Lien) and Rachel Hartman. Photo by Richard Hefner.

Emperor Stardust and the Eunuchs of the Forbidden City bring you “Come and Join Our Band.”

This new recruitment anthem for the Science Fiction/Fantasy Writers of America was performed live at the Nebula Awards Ceremony on May 18, 2019 in Los Angeles.

The group’s previous hit, the unforgettable “Radio SFWA”, debuted at the 2016 Nebulas and is still earworming its way into history books.

The lyrics for “Come and Join Our Band” can be found by clicking “show more” at the song’s YouTube page. The link is an audio-only recording. SFWA has posted video of the live performance –

Which of These Are the Top 5 Awards in SFF?

A question occurred to me when I compared my Gene Wolfe obituary to those by other writers. None of us wanted to name every one of the many awards he’d received, only the ones that were important enough to mention. We agreed on the top three or four, but I found that the farther we went down the list, the greater the variation. One award popped up in a couple of them that I’d never have included. We obviously had a different opinion about the weight to assign the various awards in the field.

That made me curious about what fandom at large thinks are the top awards. To find the answer, I’ve created an informal poll.

Here is a list of awards to think about. It intentionally leans towards those given to English language authors, but you can write in anything you want. I’ve omitted lifetime achievement awards on the assumption they’ll always be named in a winner’s obituary.

VOTE FOR 6. Write the names or numbers in comments. I’ll tabulate the results on Friday.

  1. Arthur C. Clarke Award
  2. Aurealis Awards
  3. Aurora Awards
  4. Bram Stoker Awards (Horror Writers Association)
  5. British Fantasy Awards (BFS)
  6. BSFA Awards (British Science Fiction Assocation)
  7. John W. Campbell Memorial Award
  8. Chesley Awards (ASFA)
  9. Ditmar Awards
  10. Dragon Awards
  11. Edward E. Smith Memorial Award for Imaginative Fiction (the Skylark)
  12. Eugie Foster Award
  13. Hugo Awards
  14. The Kitschies
  15. Locus Awards
  16. Mythopoeic Awards
  17. Nebula Awards (SFWA)
  18. Philip K. Dick Award
  19. Prometheus Awards (Libertarian Futurist Society)
  20. Rhysling Award (SFPA)
  21. Robert A. Heinlein Award (BSFS)
  22. Rondo Hatton Classic Horror Awards
  23. Scribe Awards (IAMTW)
  24. Seiun Awards (Japanese National Convention)
  25. Self-Published Fantasy Blog-Off
  26. Shirley Jackson Award
  27. Theodore Sturgeon Memorial Award
  28. James Tiptree Jr. Award
  29. World Fantasy Award
  30. Writers of the Future / Illustrators of the Future Contest
  31. WSFA Small Press Award

Dern’s Non-Spoiler Predictions/Suggestions For Avengers, Game of Thrones, Etc.

By Daniel Dern: If you don’t want to know how any of these movies/shows end, keep reading…

1, Thanos’ “snap!” didn’t kill people, it sent them into other realities… including Westeros.

So as the Westerosians are gearing up for The Big Battle Against The Big Bad, who should pop up but The Hulk, Spider-Man, etc. Possibly including an adjustable Iron Man suit for Tyrion Lannister!

2, Meanwhile, it turns out that over in Middle-Earth, the the Ring of Power didn’t actually melt in Mount Doom, it, too, reality-hopped over to Westeros… either bringing along Sam Gamgee or merging him with Samwell Tarly. And, it also turns out, when Shelob nipped Sam G back in Camp Mordor, she was radioactive, so yup, Sam has the proportionate powers of a Really Big Strong Spider.

3, Meanmeanwhile, Loki and the shattered bits of Mjolnir have appeared in the Slow Zone of the Gateway in The Expanse. Loki uses protomolecule to repair said Uru Hammer, hijunks ensue…including one episode where Loki, Orlando Bloom as Legolas, and Will Smith get involved in a caper against the Guardians of the Galaxy and the crew of the Orville.

4, Hermione and half-or-more of the leading female magicians in The Magicians are summoned by Danaerys to help fight The Night King, by resurrecting/rescuing the co-opted dragon… and summoning Every Possible Dragon From Everywhere, including the Pern ones, Fing Fang Foom (arguably not a dragon but just looks like one, but magic spells often can’t tell the difference), the Jabberwock (ibid), Puff, and Puff’s brother Piff (https://piffthemagicdragon.com/).

5, GotGalaxy’s Star Lord (Peter Quill) manages to grab the One Ring…and/but, typically, universe swaps out Thanos for Darkseid. Darkseid Omega-Beams’s StarLord into the Lego Batman Universe.

6, Back in Westeros, Swamp Thing, Man-Thing, Groot and the Ents, plus Jason Woodrow (DC’s Floronic Man) and Poison Ivy (bringing back Uma Thurman to to play her) are trying to shore up defenses around where the Knight King and his Army of Grunting Things are getting ready to attack.

7, Snappy dialog and witty jokes-in-the-face-of-death! Sundry hookups in stolen moments! Peter Parker gets interogated by Sansa, Danaerys and Tyrion! Cats overrun protomolecule’d Venus! Last minute betrayals, double-dealings, surprises, and more.

As for the actual ending(s), couldn’t tell ya…

Trigger Snowflake and the Metamorphic Rock

By Ingvar: “Beloved Coraline, the muffins are toasted, and the coffee has just been poured. Breakfast is ready!”, Trigger said.

“Coming!”, Coraline replied. “Thank you for making breakfast, darling Trigger.”

Normally, it was Coraline who took care of the morning meal, but Trigger had some special news and thought it would be appropriate to also do some housework just before announcing it.

“Beloved wife of mine, I have had a request from my brother, Kochs. He would like both of us to come to the family home for Wheelmas, to celebrate the first space station’s 200th anniversary of becoming operational. He also says there’s a few more surprises in store.”

Coraline sipped her coffee, thought for a few moments then replied “I would be delighted to finally meet your parents. Will all your family be there?”

Trigger shook his head. “No, only my mother and father, and my brother Kochs, and my sister Precious. Apparently, Precious’ husband and her kids are out by Pluto and can’t make it in time and Kochs, well, Kochs never married.”

Breakfast finished, Trigger quickly checked the regulations again. Nope, there still was no way of casting this as a work-related trip, they’d have to go by normal space liner. This was no big problem, it would just take longer.

That evening, they had finished all their packing, for the two weeks away, and went to bed, sleeping the sound sleep of upright citizens everywhere.

#

Trigger pressed the bell button of his parents’ habitat module. A scant four seconds later, the door slid sideways with only a quiet whisper of bearings and lubrication.

“Trigger!”, his father said. “You’re here, excellent! This must be your wife, Coraline. Coraline, I am John, Trigger’s father, it is a pleasure to finally meet you. Come in, come in. Delicate is in the dining room, but I think we can get some coffee and cookies in you, if you want.”

They walked through the door, through a hallway, into the dining room on the right side. Seated at the table was a woman who clearly was Trigger’s mother, she had the same nose and eyes.

“Trigger!”, the woman said. “And this must be Coraline? Welcome, welcome. Would you like some coffee? We have fresh cookies! Oh, forgive me. I am Delicate, I am Trigger’s mother. Would you like some cookies?”

After plenty of cookies, some cake and some really rather good coffee, Trigger and Coraline sat down on the sofa in the front room. They’d been relaxing for two, maybe three minutes when a man entered, looking as if he was just a few years older than Trigger.

The man looked at seated couple, his gaze piercing Trigger. “Ah, excellent.” His gaze shifted, and lessened in intensity. “And you must be Coraline. I am Kochs, Trigger’s brother. I need the help from both of you.”

Trigger looked stunned, “But? Kochs? Why would you need our help?”

“I have been tasked, by the Solar System Literary Review magazine, to form a small panel and award the lesser-known Separable Stone prize.”

“Separable stone?”, Trigger queried.

“Aha! That’s how it works!”, exclaimed Coraline.

“What works?’, said Trigger.

“Kochs, do you mind if I explain this? I mean, if you really want, I am sure you know it at least as well as I do, but it is well within my sphere of knowledge as a board member of SysLiCon, a former poetry slam chair, and generally involved in the literary scene.”

Kochs guffawed, “No, by all means, go ahead. I am sure you actually know this better than anyone. Frankly, I am a bit surprised I was picked.”

“So, the Separable Rock. It is the prize for the most blatant slate in the nomination phase of ethics Exploding Star annual literary award. I know it has been given out, in a quiet ceremony behind the scenes, but I was not sure how it was actually selected. Now, the way the nomination for the Exploding Star works is that every subscriber to one of five literary magazines is allowed to nominate four works first published or performed in the previous year. From these four nominations, the five most popular works are selected, as well as the five most popular authors.”

Trigger nodded, “So it would be advantageous both to have many people nominate one specific work of yours, as well has having many people nominate more than one work of yours?”

Kochs nodded emphatically. “Yes, yes. Excellent! Now, I have been charged with forming a panel, and with both of you having been in literary news recently, and Coraline obviously being someone of standing in the literary community, I have chosen you two to my panel. We have been sent five candidates, and we need to rank them from least to most slate-like and send tae back. We had there days. I suggest we go through them one by one, then rank them as we go through the list.”

#

Kochs pulled out a printed paper. “This is the first candidate. I have seen all of them, but I will try to not influence you in advance of our discussions. So, without further ado, candidate A”

The best fifteen poems I read last year, by REDACTED

In no specific order, these are the fifteen best poems I read in the last year.

* “The sweet smell of flowers”, Rick ven Fleerbo

* “Bec de Corbie”, Sean Hantap

* “Ares”, Sine Nomine

* “A winter’s morning”, Erica Youngsblood

* “And ode to Black Forest Ham”, Rick ven Fleerbo

* “The teacup”, Leanne Ackie

* “The Sun, blazing like a star, at the centre of my heart”, Erica Youngblood

* “Papercuts”, John ven Fengsler

* “Clients, clients, clients”, Susan Doed

* “Planets, spinning like children’s toys”, Leanne Ackie

* “Oceans”, Sine Nomine

* “Heyyeh”, Anna min Scortch

* “Visits from the Suck Fairy”, Whalie Correadore

* “Waltz, and other standing up with clothes on”, Anna min Scortch

* “Saturn, a Jupiterian tragedy”, Ortho King

After the three of them had skimmed the list, Kochs said “Well? What do we think? How does it place on the slate scale?”

Trigger stroked his square, manly jaw. “Well, my understanding of a slate is that it is tries to guide nominations in a specific direction. And this, well, doesn’t seem to do that. It just mentions things. And it’s by a pretty random selection of artists, as far as I can tell. I mean, I am by no means as well-versed in these things and my beloved Coraline. But, look, different names. And not seemingly in any order. So, pretty low? Coraline?”

“As Trigger said, this is an impressive array of different styles. Some Sulphur poets, not necessarily my favourite, but when they’re good, they’re pretty good. A few that I’ve read and liked. And a few by artists I have read in the past, even if I hadn’t read that specific poem. I see this more as a ‘I liked this, if our tastes are similar, you may want to evaluate these as well’, rather than an actual slate.”

Kochs nodded, “That was my thought as well. OK, so for the moment, this is the only one we have, so it’s the only candidate on the list.”

#

“We have looked at the first, no let us look at the second.”, said Kochs. “Then we can rank the two.”

The best four poems of the ones I read last year, from the desk of [REDACTED]

Of all the poems I read last year, and the ones you should truly consider for your Exploding Star nomination ballot. In order from the one I liked most, to the one (of the four) I liked slightly less (and there are another five or so I consider to be nomination-worthy, just they weren’t as good as these four):

* “Bec de Corbie”, Sean Hantap

* “The teacup”, Leanne Ackie

* “And ode to Black Forest Ham”, Rick ven Fleerbo

* “Clients, clients, clients”, Susan Doed

If you nominate these, you will make me a happy [REDACTED], and I urge you to do so.

Kochs waited for everyone to have finished reading. “What do we think? I would say that this is definitely more slate-like than the first.”

Coraline put two fingers to her chin. “Yes, but there’s something missing. There’s no, well, agenda here. It’s simply a list of four fairly solid poems. But, yes, of the two we have seen, this is definitely the more slate-like.”

“We’re all happy ranking exhibit B higher than exhibit A, then?”, said Trigger.

Kochs replied, “I’d say you have that right, brother.”

#

“Next, we have yet another one. This is perhaps a bit harder to judge. But, as usual we will red it, then discuss it.”

My Exploding Star poems from last year, by [REDACTED]

We’re coming up on nomination season and like all of us, I find it hard to navigate all the poetry written last year. To at least make it easy for you to find what I’ve written, I have composed this letter-of-comment to at least have a full list of my works, and where to find them.

               *             [REDACTED], published in [REDACTED]

               *             [REDACTED], published in [REDACTED]

               *             [REDACTED], published in [REDACTED]

               *             [REDACTED], published in [REDACTED]

               *             [REDACTED], published in [REDACTED]

               *             [REDACTED], published in [REDACTED]

I hope that at least one of them will make you consider it worthy of a nomination, but as always, you must let your conscience be your guide.

Trigger looked up from the paper. “Hm, I am conflicted. There’s less work on this than there was on exhibit A. But, it clearly has a message encouraging a free choice. And if we take it at face value, it is simply a list of what the poet produced.”

“I concur, brother. For me, this falls somewhere between A and B, but much closer to A, and I wouldn’t necessarily call it a slate at all.”

Coraline scrunched her normally smooth forehead. “Yes. But… It is short. Not short enough that all of them would fit on the nomination ballot. But short. All things considered, I still think we have the ranking correct. This is definitely less of a slate than the second.”

#

“Three down, we only have another two before we’re done”, Kochs stated. “So, let us get on with this, so we can finish up.”

The Sulphuric Manifesto, or How You Should Nominate In The Exploding Star, by [REDACTED]

With the attacks on Sulphur artists over the last few years, there is a need for all of us to band together, and forcibly encourage the wider literary establishment to recognise our undoubted brilliance in all forms of written and sung art. To that extent, I have (with some help from other sulphurists) prepared a short-list of poems for you to nominate for the exploding star. In no specific order:

* “The sweet smell of flowers”, Rick ven Fleerbo

* “And ode to Black Forest Ham”, Rick ven Fleerbo

* “Papercuts”, John ven Fengsler

* “Waltz, and other standing up with clothes on”, Anna min Scortch

There were other noteworthy sulphur poetry that could have needed up on the list, but some consideration was taken to promote those of us who have in recent months had more public defeat than others.

Coraline laughed. “Well, this is definitely a slate. There’s exactly four, there is an explicit call to use the list as-is. And, furthermore, it pretty much states exactly what the intent and motivation behind it is. This is the most slate-like we have seen. Or, at least, that is my opinion.”

Kochs grunted assent. “I’d say you have summarised my thoughts for me.”

Trigger nodded. “Yes, in order from least to most slate-like, as things stand, it is A, C, B, D, for me.”

#

Kochs grabbed another set of papers from his briefcase. “Well, then. Only one more to go. Let us red, then discuss. That process seems to have worked well so far.”

PoetsForProsperity and how you can help, [REDACTED]

Dear fellow PoetsforProsperity members, We all know that great income and fame can be generated by writing quality poetry in the forms that people are willing to buy. And to further our great cause, I have prepared a list of poems composed by members of our tribe. S you can see, some of the poems have been marked by a star, those are the ones that my sources in the receiving department of the Exploding Star office have assured me had not, at the time of writing, received a single nomination. If you nominate from this list, consider nominating one of those.

* “Bec de Corbie”, Sean Hantap {*}

* “Ares”, Sine Nomine

* “A winter’s morning”, Erica Youngsblood

* “The Sun, blazing like a star, at the centre of my heart”, Erica Youngblood

* “Oceans”, Sine Nomine

* “Visits from the Suck Fairy”, Whalie Correadore {*}

* “Saturn, a Jupiterian tragedy”, Ortho King {*}

* “Pluto, planet or dog?”, Ortho King

* “This thermocline of mine.” Sean Hantap

As you all know, if we can get our nominations in, the chances of one or more of us ending up on the list of finalists is just that much larger. And if we can but get one or two of us on the finalist list, I think the chances of joint success and wealth next year will be that much higher.

Trigger sighed. “This one… is tricky. There’s a fair few number of poems on the list, but there’s a definite pressure to pick all nominations from the list itself.”

Kochs nodded. “Yes, what makes this slate-like, to me, is the explicit ‘especially consider these, as they are under-nominated’ aspect of the starring.”

Coraline nodded with vigor. “Yes, that takes it from a recommendation list, into something that I can only see as a slating attempt.”

Kochs sighed. “Well, then, for me the most slate-like is the fourth, with the fifth, the second, the third and the first being in order less and less slate-like.”

Trigger said “Yep, for me it’s D, E, B, C, A, in that order.”

Coraline put the paper down on the coffee table. “I concur, the fourth is definitely the most slate-like of these. I am not sure how I rank this and the second. I mean, there’s definitely a wider choice here, but there’s also some agenda divorced from quality exhibited here.”

Kochs let his eyes scan across the faces of his brother and sister-in-law. “We’re agreed, then? The fourth is the most slate-like? It is our final choice for the Separable Rock?”

Trigger and Coraline both nodded.

#

Later that evening, they were all sitting down for dinner. A fairly quiet affair, with roast beef, a variety of vegetables, and homemade lemonade to drink.

Coraline put her cutlery down and cleared her throat. “Delicate, dear mother-in-law, there is one thing  I don’t, quite, understand. How is it that you have a name suited for the surname Snowflake, and yet that is your married name?”

Delicate hummed. “Well, I guess you weren’t to know. I was actually born Delicate Snowflake. On marriage, John took the Snowflake name, to keep it alive I was a single child, and if he hadn’t, the name would’ve melted away on my marriage. John?”

John guffawed. “Yes, I was born Schnee John Wain, a name I did not like. And when my darling Delicate explained that she was the last of the Snowflakes, I could not in good conscience let the name simply disappear. We discussed it, between us, then I had a brief chat with my dad. And, here I am, John Snowflake. And with both Kochs and Trigger to take the name forward, our daughter Precious is free to stay a Snowflake. Although, I understand that she’s actually considering taking a new name on marriage. She’s currently courting Amanda Gemstone, and sees some amusement taking her name on marriage. Anything else we can clear up, before dessert?”

Terrible Jokes

By Danny Sichel [Reprinted from WARP 102, the zine of the Montreal Science Fiction / Fantasy Association]


Q: Why did Vernor Vinge cross the road?

A: I’m sorry, I could never explain it to you. You only have human-level intelligence.


Q: Why did H. P. Lovecraft cross the road?

A: I must not tell you, for the knowledge itself would drive you mad. Mad, I tell you. MAD.


Q: Why did C.S. Lewis cr– 

A: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!

ahem


Q: Why did C. S. Lewis cross the road?

A: It’s part of an elaborate allegory in which C. S. Lewis represents mankind, the road represents life, and the act of crossing represents embracing Christianity.


Q: Why did Harry Turtledove cross the road?

A: There’s an infinite number of answers for this question – one per timeline.


Q: Why did Isaac Asimov cross the road?

A: That’s actually a very interesting question, and I’m going to use it as the basis for this 30-page essay on the history of humor.


Q: Why did Philip K. Dick cross the road?

A: Are you sure he did? Are you sure there was ever a road here? Are you sure there was ever any such person as “Philip K. Dick” ?


Q: Why did Gene Wolfe cross the road?

A: Although it might seem as if I’ve left this question unanswered, if you carefully examine the previous five issues of WARP you will discover a series of subtle clues.


Q: Why did George R. R. Martin cross the road?

A: I’ve got a really great answer for this one. It’ll be ready by the end of next year. Well, two years. Three at the most, I swear.


Q: Why did Douglas Adams cross the road?

A: 42


Best Fannish Cat

Let us return now to those thrilling days of yesteryear when Australian fans were called upon to vote for the “Best Fannish Cat” in the Ditmar Awards.

The earliest of these two forgotten episodes in SJW credential history occurred in 1991. The nominees were:

1991: Suncon, Brisbane

Best Fannish Cat

  • Apple Blossom, humans: Elaine Cochrane & Bruce Gillespie
  • Constantinople, human: Phil Wlodarczyk
  • Emma Peel, human: Terry Frost
  • Godzilla, humans: Ian Gunn & Karen Pender-Gunn
  • Honey, humans: Gerald [Smith] & Womble
  • Satan, human: Phil Wlodarczyk
  • Truffle, humans: Mark Loney & Michelle Muijsert
  • Typo, human: Roger Weddall

Typo won the award.

“It’s a long story,” recalls Bruce Gillespie. “The person who was Chair of the convention in Brisbane stuffed up many aspects of the convention. She was also part of a non-Melbourne group who believed that every aspect of the Ditmars was a cruel plot by Melbourne fans to keep all the Ditmars for themselves. So she allowed members of the convention to vote for the categories as well as the items in the categories. Irresistible bait to Melbourne fans in general — who ganged up to include Best Fannish Cat in the categories.”

Bruce Gillespie holding his cane toad Ditmars. Photo by Janice Gelb.

Marc Ortlieb says that wasn’t the only mischief fans got up to at Suncon. “That was the year that things got really silly. The NatCon was in Brisbane and, as a joke, Mark Loney created stuffed cane toads to present at the ceremony, with the real Ditmars to be presented at the closing ceremony. The cane toads were presented, but the real Ditmars weren’t ready.” The real ones would be distributed later at a Nova Mob club meeting.

Even though the award was a put-on, “Best Fannish Cat” made such an indelible impression on Australian fanhistory that the category would be revived in a future round of Ditmars.

As Gillespie sees it, “The list of nominees was regarded as so exemplary that the category was repeated (once) in a later set of the Ditmars. Apple Blossom was our nominee in 1991, and Flicker was our nominee in the much later Ditmars. Neither won, but the winners were very popular cats who had been met by many Melbourne fans. The general effect was to confirm the suspicion of Perth fans that Melbourne fans ‘did not take the Ditmars seriously’.”

Roger Weddall, owner of the winning cat, Typo, was elected the DUFF delegate in 1992. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with lymphoma shortly before leaving for North America, and ended up cutting short his trip after attending Magicon. He died a few months later. Thus it really was with affection that in 1993 someone drafted “A Modest Proposal for the [Swancon 18] Business Meeting” urging the creation of the “Roger Weddall Memorial Ditmar Controversy” and crediting him with some of these shenanigans:

It happens without warning, under no man’s control. None can predict where it will strike or how often. Yes it’s the Ditmar Controversy! It is time to take the guesswork out and have a permanent, official Ditmar Controversy each year and every year. Let us not leave it to chance and ConCom whim to arrange a proper and fitting controversy but instead let us make a firm and binding commitment for now and forever to have

The
Roger Weddall
Memorial Ditmar
Controversy

In honour of Fandom’s best Ditmar Controversers, the man who brought you the best Fannish Cat, Cane Toads and other Ditmar atrocities,

Vote Yes!

At the 1993 Natcon Business meeting

However, there are Aussie fans for whom these memories of the ’91 Ditmars are not bathed in a golden glow. A 2005 Swancon XXX progress report solicited nominations for the Tin Duck Award (a genuine, annual award) with the warning – “Please do not invent new categories. (e.g. No Best Fannish Cat. We’ve heard it before, and it wasn’t funny the first time.)”

But with the passage of time nostalgia kicked in. Dudcon 3, the 2010 Australian National Science Fiction Convention revived Best Fannish Cat as a special committee award. The less facetious eligibility rules included requirements that nominees be “natural members of the species Felis Catus,” and be alive and resident in Australia at the time of the nomination.

Aerin

Thoraiya Dyer unsuccessfully advanced her cat, Aerin, as a candidate by forcing it to be photographed in a Darth Vader costume.

Instead, these cats made the finals:

Tabby Allen

He is a big, lazy, neutered Tom, who just hangs around the house and sleeps on Genevieve’s bed. Sometimes he lays on the couch with us while we watch Doctor Who, but I cannot claim any other great fannish activity.

– James Allen

Felix Blackford

His real breeding name is Mystical Prince Felix, but he answers to Fifi. If fannish credentials other than his owning us are required, I will point out that the last line of the bio that Damien Broderick wrote for my story in the current Cosmos is: “She devotes her life to Mystical Prince Felix, a truly enormous Ragdoll cat.”
– Jenny Blackford

Peri Peri Canavan

Named for being orange with attitude, just like the sauce.
Is a firm believer in First Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Elevensies, Luncheon, Afternoon Tea, Dinner and Supper.
Knows that a library chair is a great place to nap.
Enjoys a good SF TV show/film/book because it means an available lap.
Can time travel, if the time involved is dinner time.
Stomach is larger on the inside than the outside.
– Trudi Canavan

Flicker Gillespie

Origin: derelict building in Collingwood.
Official description: black domestic shorthair.
Fannish credentials: How many fannish cats know their fathers? Flicker is father of Harry and Sampson Gillespie, as well as Miss Smith Endacott and Rascal Taylor. Now that his fathering days have been cut short, Flicker will sit on any visiting fannish lap that stays still for more than a few seconds.
– Elaine Cochrane

Pazuzu Sparks

Named for the Exorcist’s demon,
He meows ’cause he’s endlessly dreamin’
Of food and the flap
Which he knows is a trap
Set up by that bad Nemo”s schemin’

His nemesis one day will pay
But meanwhile he spends all the day
Knowing instead
That fridge, pantry and bed
Are all his, and that that way they’ll stay.

So he’ll crash at a run through the door,
Spread litter all over the floor,
Scrounge every crumb,
Bite my elbow and thumb
then curl up with Foyle and his war.
– Robert Hood

(The verse is by Robert Hood the Australian writer – not our Rev. Bob.)

Voters chose Peri Peri Canavan as the Best Fannish Cat of 2010.

Peri Peri Canacan, the Best Fannish Cat of 2010

Trigger Snowflake and the Meltsygate

By Ingvar: Trigger looked at the street outside his office. For once it was utterly calm and no dust in the air. To the extent it was visible, this far out in the Solar System, the Sun was providing some comfort light, although not much heat. It looked like a perfect day to visit the Coffee Emporium.

“Coraline, darling? I am walking down to the Coffee Emporium, would you like to come?”

“Sorry, Trigger, I have a few things to finish up. By all means try their new Softly-Softly roast, I understand that it is delicious.”

“Thank you, I will. I may be an half an hour, maybe a full hour?”

“Don’t you worry, I have plenty to keep me busy.”

Walking down the street, Trigger nodded his head and touched the wide brim of his hat at the people heading the other way. It was not long until he arrived at the Coffee Emporium. Once inside, he took his hat off and strode up to the bar.

“Ms Dimatis, it has been said that you have a new roast in?”

“Ah, the Softly-Softly? Yes, Coraline was in only yesterday for a cup. Would you like one?”

“That sounds like a marvelous idea.”

“Would you like a grilled synthecheese and a vanilla Danish to go with that?”

“Ms Dimatis, you…”

“Oh, I think you are allowed to call me Barbara now.”

“Barbara, you know me too well. Maybe it is time that I patronize another coffee shop.”

“You jest, Sheriff Snowflake, you jest.”

Trigger headed for an empty table, and had just sat down when his coffee and a pastry was placed in front of him. He lifted the cup, savouring the pungent smell of the bean extraction. It did smell quite delicious. He took a sip, and the coffee rolled over his tongue, coating the inside of his mouth with a rich, earthy, warmness. Coraline was right, this was coffee well worth having. He took a bite from his Danish, and as he returned the pastry to its plate, his grilled synthecheese arrived. It was made just the way he liked it, one slice of wholemeal sourdough, one slice of rye, both toasted, with a healthy chunk of synthecheese between them. Then fried, on both sides, in plenty of butter, with just a hint of black and white pepper. It was a flavour that paired surprisingly well with the coffee.

He was just about done with his late morning snack, when Barbara Dimatis, the proprietor, walked up to his table.

“Sheriff? Mind if I sit down?”

“Oh, no, not at all Ms Dim.. Barbara. What’s the matter?”

“Well, I am sure it is nothing, really. But, there’s this weird thing starting to go around in the periphery of the literature comment-sphere. And I don’t quite know what to make of it.”

“Oh? Weird thing?”

“Yes, it’s nothing, I am sure, but there’s a few of the Sulphur crowd, you are familiar with Sulphur artists?”

“I am, indeed, aware of them. I’ve even had a few run-ins with some of them.”

“Ah, yes, ven Fleerbo, wasn’t it? So, in the last few weeks, I’ve seen a few of them refer to me, as far as I can make out from context. But they keep calling me ‘Meltsy’, and it is making me slightly uncomfortable, the whole thing. And I was wondering if I should do something? Or if there’s something you can do?”

“I don’t know Barbara. But if you can forward me some of the letters-of-coment, that’s what you call them, yes? I can have a look in my office. It’s not quite the thing I normally deal with, since it’s clearly out of Fort Corallium and I am only charged with enforcing the law here. But, as you know, I know law-keepers elsewhere, and if there’s something that seems to be dubious, I can always ask if there’s something someone else can look in to. And my beloved Coraline has spoken quite highly of you, and how you’ve stepped into her shoes here at the Coffee Emporium. So, certainly, forward me these comments and I will have a look for you, it’s the least I can do.”

Barbara Dimatis sighed with relief, stood up and started back towards the counter. About halfway back, she stopped, turned back to face Trigger and said “Thank you, Sheriff Snowflake. It lifts a heavy weight off my heart.”

#

“Trigger, darling?”, Coraline’s voice easily carried to the upper floor. “Barbara Dimatis is here, with some papers for you?”

“Thank you, beloved. I will be down in but a few moments.” Trigger hastily put his bolo tie on. It would not do to greet Ms Dimatis in such an informal state of dress. He quickly descended to the ground floor, and the Sheriff’s Office proper.

“Ah, Ms Dim… Barbara. These are print-outs of these letters?”

“Yes, Sheriff Snowflake, these are the relevant letters-of-comment from a variety of magazines dealing with literature and poetry over the last six weeks. Plus one that arrived only after you’d left the Emporium. Coraline, you may want to look through them as well. Based on the latest, this very much is all of our concern. It seems like one of the Sulphurs, not one I’ve seen much from before, but he’s done some inspiring poetry, in a cross-over Sulphur/Beat style, quite a challenging form really… Where was I? Oh, yes, ven Fengsler claims to have irrefutable evidence that I am actually Trigger Snowflake.”

Coraline looked at her husband, then looked at Barbara. Then looked back at her husband, for a few seconds more. Then, slowly, turned her head back to Barbara.

“You? Married to me? What is he basing this fantasy on?”

“As far as I can tell, it’s because he’s seen a copy of an envelope, from a letter I posted, that was clearly stamped by the Fort Corallium post office, not long after the SysLiCon security report was published, last week.”

“But, you live and work here?”

“Yes, I know. Apparently it is obvious that because I like coffee, don’t write frequent LoCs, have once or twice mentioned legal matters, as well as now that you’re on the SysLiCon board that I must be a legal professional, married to a former coffee shop manager, and live in Fort Corallium.”

Trigger took a deep breath. Then a second. And, for good measure, a third.

“Ms Dimatis, can you please step into my office. We should probably not continue to have this conversation half on the street. I think we need to look carefully at these. If nothing else, this ven Fengsler is accusing you of being a lawman impersonating someone else. Or me. I am not sure. But it does not sound right.”

Barbara stepped through the door, and closed it after her. Trigger walked to his chair, clearly surprised and concerned by the news he’d just received. Before he sat down, he swept his right hand, indicating the chairs in front of his desk.

“Please, sit, both of you.”

Coraline shook her head. “No, I will make a pot of coffee. And I may just bring down one of the bottles of Saturn Sippin’ Whisky, this all seems like coffee would not quite be enough.”

Trigger waited to sit until Barbara was safely in one of the visitor chairs.

“Let me get this right? Because you know about coffee, and have posted a letter at our post office, and Coraline is on the SysLiCon board, you are me?”

“That is how I understand these letters.”

“Hm… Interesting.”

They both furrowed their foreheads, deep in thought, when Coraline came down the stairs.

“There is coffee and sandwich in the kitchen. And please tell me what is going on.”

Trigger and Barbara both stood up, and as Barbara headed for the stairs, Trigger picked one of the magazines off the pile. They seated themselves around the kitchen table, Coraline and Trigger sitting next to each other, opposite Barbara.

#

“So,” said Coraline, “what is this whole identity confusion thing?”

“Well…”, said Trigger. “As far as I can tell, this is something that started in, and is mostly contained within, Sulphur Artist circles. Here is a letter to a publication called ‘Yellow Flowers Of An Elemental Nature’.”

“Aha!”, said Barbara. “Yellow Flowers is a poetical allusion to flaky, elemental sulphur. And it is indeed a publication that most frequently circulates in the Sulphur crowd. But one of my contacts mentioned that I should look at the latest number, so I had it facsimiled on the far-sender network. Pray tell us, Sheriff Snowflake, what it says?”

Transcription of a round-table conversation of the Elemental Smartalec Group, planetary day 7643

John ven Fengsler: To the matter of Meltsy. I have, as you all know, spent some time researching this “Barbara Dimatis” and there is no question that Barbara is actually just a cover identity for Trigger Snowflake.

Rick ven Fleerbo: Are you sure? No question or doubt?

JvF: No doubt indeed. I have, no expenses spared, managed to retrieve a true copy of the envelope in which last month’s letter from Meltsy to “The Jupiterian” arrived. It is very clearly post-stamped in Fort Corallium, where we all know that Meltsy lives.

Anna min Scortch: This sounds a bit thin?

JvF: Not in the least. We can see from multiple letters that this “Barbara” is well educated in coffee. And Meltsy married that Hoyter woman, you know. The one who sent Rick packing, for no good reason. And she, I tell you, was the proprietor of a coffee shop. So, the link is clear and indisputable.

RvF: Indisputable indeed. That Trigger, he’d stoop low enough to use a woman’s name as a gym, every day of the week. Or at least days that have both consonants and vowels.

AmS: Ah, so every day.

RvF: Indeed!

AmS: I… Yes, the evidence seems fairly clear. Anything else?

JvF: Indeed there is. These “Barbara” letters became more frequent after Trigger had that court case on the Moon. Clearly an event that would fuel his anti-Sulphur resentment. And they’re all, or so I have from reliable sources, post-stamped in Fort Corallium. Incontroversible evidence, the post stamps do not lie!

AmS: And what do we do with this information?

RvF: We destroy him, and his career, and his marriage! I believe that Coraline Snowflake will NOT stay married to a man that stoops to impersonating a woman.

JvF: We are all clear, then, that we need to spread the good word, and terminate Meltsy’s letter-writing career, once and for all?

AmS, RvF: Sulphur! Sulphur! Sulphur!

End note: Anna bestowed John ven Fengsler with an admiration gift mostly composed of Martian Ares-fruit compote, with a fetching hint of Venusian bacon from her breakfast. Rick ven Fleerbo, due to his current circumstances, was forced to limit his admiration to just Venusian bacon and beans.

“This… This… This makes no sense”, sighed Trigger.

“Post-stamped in Fort Corallium. Of course my letters are post-stamped in Fort Corallium, that is where the Coffee Emporium is, and since I live in the rooms above, I would of course use the post office across the street”, said Barbara. ” Anything else would be deranged.”

Coraline sniggered. “At least they haven’t, yet, decided that we are the same person, Barbara.”

Trigger flipped pages in the magazine. “Ah, there’s another letter about that specific fact.”

Transcription of a round-table discussion at the Elemental Smartalec Group, Planetary Day 7652

Anna min Scortch: John, I have spent some time digging into this Meltsy business. You are clearly right. Not only does Meltsy have a passing knowledge of gourmet coffee. Not, I might add, as good as yours, but decent nonetheless. But, look, in this letter to “The Plutonian Argus”, there’s this one sentence that gives no doubt to the theory that Meltsy has an interest in the law. And do you know who has an interest in law? A sheriff!

John ven Fengsler: Anna, my dear, it’s good that you have found this further evidence. I know that it has been said that we may be wrong, but the coffee, the law interest, and the post-stamps all paint an undoubtable picture. And, furthermore, that very same letter is also clearly written y a man. Look, it uses forceful words. And it is rude, something that we all know is outside the scope of any planet fearing woman’s vocabulary.

AmS: Yes, I saw that. But I was never in doubt that this “Barbara” was secretly a man, all along. It’s just like those lily-livers to hide behind a woman.

Rick ven Fleerbo: I say, should we get Slem involved? This might just be the crowbar we need to break open that disgusting verdict Meltsy masterminded on me?

JvF: If you think that is the right course, we shall of course proceed with this excellent move in our hyper-dimensional game of Walk.

RvF: I will send him a missive, anon.

End note: Rick again could only provide Venusian bacon and beans for admiration. John bestowed a gift of Saturnian plum wine to Anna, and the same for Rick. Both Anna and John provided gifts on Rick, for his excellent idea of contacting Slem ven Pocketry.

#

The three of them continued to peruse the letter columns, growing more and more amused, and in Barbara’s case, distressed, at the confusion spreading through the Sulphur community.

Trigger suddenly lifted his head, staring into infinity.

“Beloved Coraline, Miss Dimatis… I have a seed of a plan. We know they’re completely wrong. We also know that Sulphur artists never miss a chance to gloat. And it’s been months since we last had a poetry slam at the Emporium. So, my thought here is that we arrange one for next month, and make sure all three of us are there to introduce it. “

Barbara thought for a few moments. “Yes, as long as there’s enough time to come out from the inner system, we can be assured there will be at least one Sulphur artist in attendance, for an attempt at some sort of public unmasking.”

With preparations made, and the Poetry Slam duly announced in the relevant magazines, the day finally arrived. As the start time of the event finally ticked on the clock, Coraline Snowflake walked up to the microphone in front of the counter.

“Hello, and welcome everyone. I am Mrs Coraline Snowflake, the former proprietor of the Coffee Emporium. It is my honour to bid you all welcome to Fort Corallium’s fourth Poetry Slam.”

From among the crowd, someone yelled “Where’s Trigger, then?!”

Trigger walked up to the microphone. “Hello, all. I am Trigger Snowflake, and I am the sheriff of this town.”

The same voice yelled again, “Trigger? Hah! What about Barbara Dimatis, Meltsy? What about Barbara? We know that’s what you go by in the magazines!”

Barbara walked up to the microphone. “Hello, all. My name is Barbara Dimatis, I am the proprietor of the Coffee Emporium and I have arranged this Poetry Slam, with some help from my predecessor and good fried, Coraline.”

It was at this point that the proceedings were interrupted by someone rapidly standing up and running out of the Emporium, shouting “Ooooh! Oooooooooh! I can’t believe I believed ven Fengsler!”

We Can Do This Thing

By John Hertz: (reprinted from Vanamonde 1286; January 31, 2017)  Today is National Gorilla-Suit Day (Don Martin Bounces Back, 1963).

I’ve just come to the passage in Scott Kelly’s Endurance (2017) where his twin brother Mark announces sending a gorilla suit to Scott at the International Space Station.

“Of course you need a gorilla suit,” Mark says (p. 219, in the large-print edition, which is what I could get).

Its launching rocket explodes, but – this is ahead of where I am in the book – another is sent, upon arrival captured with a robot arm (p. 498) by Kjell (pronounced “chell”) Lindgren, who also while at the Station 22 Jul – 11 Dec 15 was a long-distance Guest of Honor of Sasquan, the 73rd World Science Fiction Convention, presenting the Hugo Award for Best Novel by video.

Indeed Scott Kelly gorillas up, as he puts it (p. 529), of which a video got onto the Internet 23 Feb 16.