How To Score A Hat Trick on File 770

magic_hat-512By Steve Davidson: I’ve scored a fair number of Pixel Scroll titles over the past several months and I was originally going to reveal my secret methods for constructing the same, but then I decided “Nah”.

Instead, I’ll propose how Filers can go about scoring what I’m calling a “Hat Trick”, because the Stanley Cup Finals are being played and I like hockey.  (Especially old school hockey that we’ll never see again…).  Anyway.

A Hat Trick in hockey is earned when a player scores three goals in the same game.  A Gordie Howe Hat Trick (Gordie was one of the greats – Mr. Hockey – and recently passed away) was scoring a goal, an assist (second to last player to touch the puck before the goal) and has a fight in a single game.

It’s not possible to have three titles in one Pixel Scroll (unless Mike decides to do that), so we’d have to go with a version of the Howe Hat Trick.  Here’s my proposal:

  1. You score the assistant editor slot by contributing the title for that day’s scroll.
  2. You/your work/activities are mentioned in a numbered scroll item.
  3. You score the Fifth comment slot in the comments

We’ll have to trust that Mike won’t try to kick the goal off its mounts – but I’m sure no one has a problem with doing that.

There are alternative iterations:  We could substitute a “disagreement In the comments” for #3.

We could do a weekly and award the Hat Trick for three titles in one week.

Or we could chuck the whole thing and just watch hockey, when it’s in season.

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31 thoughts on “How To Score A Hat Trick on File 770

  1. I feel like one of the three should be “Hero Proofreader of the Day with all rights and privileges appuertaining thereto!” for spotting Pixel Scroll typo/mistakes but given it’s harder to achieve than “Fifth comment” would make the hat-trick even rarer.

  2. Soon Lee: Which is really rarer, a typo in a Scroll or a fifth comment?

    When it comes to my copyediting, the odds are ever in your favor!

  3. I have a woeful track record on point 1 but maybe I’m not trying hard enough. However, I like Soon Lee’s suggested addition* – maybe 3 out of 4 with a bonus level achievement for 4 out of 4 🙂

    *[my track record here is even worse]

  4. We are now competing on file 770? It’s all about the winning huh? I expect to see a fair amount of discussion over rules and what’s fair.

    1. How do apologies count?

    2. Can arguing with trolls negate other points?

    3. Can namecalling other filers negate other points?

  5. Tasha Turner: Whew! That was a close call, people were almost having fun with this idea.

  6. @Sunhawk

    Pretty much anyone moderately familiar with soccer or (somewhat less so) cricket would probably be asking the same question

  7. It’s worth noting that Gordie Howe himself only scored three Gordie Howe Hat Tricks over the course of his entire career.

    This is probably because over the first part of his career, he was bigger than any two other players, so no one wanted to fight him; and in the latter part of his career, he was freaking GORDIE HOWE, and who on earth would dare? Plus, he was, like, fifty years old, and no one wants to go beating up on someone older than their parents.

  8. Ray,

    what’s that expression? age and treachery will beat youth and enthusiasm every time? or some such?

    Having been an “elder athlete” competing with young snots on a regular basis, I am positive – Positive! – that Gordie recognized those dynamics you refer to and used them fully to his own advantage.

    @Tasha – of course, this was all meant in fun. Some people like to have goals (Gordie did) and, quite frankly, about the only other “sport” I can think of that is further removed from fandom than hockey would be ferret legging (a sport I was introduced to in the mid 80’s and gave serious consideration to participating in as, verified by my long paintball career, I have a high tolerance for pain and can get into that positive feedback mode or zone where pain increases adrenaline, which increases the pain tolerance…(makes me meaner too, lol).
    But, alas, I would have had to travel to England to compete (no Ferret Legging Leagues in the US so far as I know) and there are, apparently, no TAFLF orgs to help with expenses.
    (For those who don’t want to look it up: Competitors don special pants that are tied at the ankle; a wild ferret (ETA: TWO wild ferrets) is placed inside those pants. The objective is to endure the ferret’s ministrations for the longest time frame. The world record stands at over 5 hours now.

    Reg Mellor, the “king of ferret legging,” paced across his tiny Yorkshire miner’s cottage as he explained the rules of the English sport that he has come to dominate rather late in life. “Ay lad,” said the 72-year-old champion, “no jockstraps allowed. No underpants—nothin’ whatever. And it’s no good with tight trousers, mind ye. Little bah-stards have to be able to move around inside there from ankle to ankle.”

  9. “Ferret legging”?

    I… “ferret legging”?

    This is somebody’s YouTube video gone viral all over the internet and Wikiedia, right? I mean… I can’t even…

    “Ferret legging”!?

  10. I also had never heard of ferret-legging but seeing as it is a British/Scottish passtime which probably involved a lot of booze, it somehow makes sense. I think if I tried it, my problem wouldn’t be pain, or JUST pain, but I am really ticklish and when it gets to a certain level I feel like I’m gonna stroke out, it gets too overwhelming it’s kinda like special kind of agony lol There is no way having a ferret up each pant leg wouldn’t be a horribly ticklish experience at best.

    @snowcrash – I would ask you what counts as a hat trick in cricket but I barely understand cricket itself so I don’t think the answer would mean anything to me lol

  11. @Sunhawk

    Nobody understands cricket. It’s just a convenient excuse to go out and get drunk for 5 days straight.

    In USian terms, I think it roughly equates to a pitcher striking out 3 batters in a row, which I *think* is harder in cricket that it is in baseball. Take this with a large grain of salt, as I probably understand as much baseball as you do cricket

  12. Something I’ve been wanting to ask . . ..

    What’s the deal with being fifth? I’ve lurked for a while, and participated a little, but have never seen an explanation.

  13. Bill, it has to do with Vox Day’s epic rant, SJWs Always Lie, which he slated onto the Hugo ballot in Best Related Works. In its original web publication, it had two chapter fives. (If memory serves, it was chapter four that was mislabeled as the extra five.) This was noted by the File770 commentariat, who collectively found it hysterically funny, especially given the fact that Vox Day was promoting himself for Best Editor, and has indeed also slated himself in that category. (The version of SJWs Always Lie in the Hugo packet only has one chapter five, much to the disappointment of many regulars here.)

    As a direct consequence, the number five has acquired an intrinsically comical property. Especially the second (or third, or fourth) number five…

    Hope this clarifies.

  14. The original cricket sense of hat-trick is bowling three batsmen out with consecutive deliveries – this must be incredibly rare, much more so than the football or hockey sense of three goals in a game (and apparently other people are allowed to score goals in between).

  15. @snowcrash – that’s an interesting comparison, as in baseball that’s usually called a strikeout rather than a hat trick, but apparently it’s appropriate to call it that too, according to wikipedia. The last time I heard the term used in baseball was when one of the Bluejays hit three home runs in one game last year, and fans threw their hats on the field much like you do in hockey when someone gets a hat trick. It was a funny moment, not a usual one for baseball.

    I am pretty sure most sports were invented as an excuse to drink lol But five days straight is pretty epic, even for Brits, who impressed me with their drinking ability the last time I was in the UK, mostly volume than say hardness but given the sheer amount of the first quality, that’s probably for the best lol Do they still have those temporary tent-infirmaries in the UK (or was it just London? I can’t remember now) on some nights to deal with all the overly-drunk and injured, to keep them from clogging up the ER? I remember someone telling me about that a few years ago, sounded like a good idea but implied a considerable problem as well lol

  16. @SunHawk: mighty impressive indeed. I went to school over there for a while and it wasn’t too long before I was drinking 4 pints a weeknight, on average (EVERYONE went to the pub after supper) – and I was a piker.

    There’s another couple of “rustic English Sports” I’ve heard passing reference to – something involving throwing small rocks at each other, some variation on “trading hits” (punching thighs?) or some such.

    What they all seem to have in common is endurance through pain….

  17. Mike, here’s the first example I could find, a proto-Fifth comment if you will.

    Ray Radlein on August 30, 2015 at 10:35 pm said:
    Chapter Fifth!

    (The great thing about this is that, really, almost any post can be the fifth, using the Beale precedent)

    And on the next day:

    Mark on August 31, 2015 at 12:55 am said:
    If David Lang unsubscribes, then Mike’s at 99 and once someone signs up he can celebrate 100 all over again tomorrow.
    It’s Chapters 5 all over again!

    (I’m also an RSSer. I suspect email updates aren’t a very popular method of following nowadays)

    But it wasn’t until this thread that it fully caught fire:

    MickyFinn on August 31, 2015 at 10:49 pm said:
    Chapter Five!

    snowcrash on August 31, 2015 at 10:50 pm said:
    Actual Chapter Five!

    David Goldfarb on August 31, 2015 at 10:50 pm said:
    Third chapter five!

    The other Nigel on August 31, 2015 at 10:50 pm said:
    Chapter 5: In all modesty, I am the best chapter 5 so far

    So counting from August 27 to August 31, it took… wait for it… FIVE days for the meme to evolve, which is an era in internet chronology.

  18. @steve davidson – yeah what I remember striking me most was how religiously everyone, from what appeared to be all classes and types, stopped at the pub after work to drink at least one glass of beer/ale, it might have also been the fact that they stood on the sidewalks in neat little groups of four or so to do it, some still in their work suits and all 🙂

    lol did they happen to call the thigh punching game “Charley horse”?

  19. @Sunhawk:

    Yes – and a bit problematic for me: I mostly drank my way through high school but had stopped a few years before (entirely – still a teetotaler) but the social pressure to “have a pint” could not be avoided (especially when its your professor in English Lit or History or Shakesperian Studies or the…)

    The school was at a very small town (Wroxton-near-Banbury), thatched roofed houses and all, maybe 250 residents. The school added a significant population when in session.

    The place had two pubs, but the school favored the White Horse, a short walk out the front gates of the North Estate (where the school is located). (North presided over the peace treaty during the revolutionary war.)

    We’d eat dinner, do maybe an hour or so of study and then head for the pub, pretty much till closing.

    Odd cultural tidbits: men drink pints, women half pints. (My fellow female students said “screw that! get me a pint!”. The publican refused, so the guys got pints for the ladies and everyone pretended not to notice.)

    The pub was also divided into two sections – one with bar, darts and a couple of tables for dominoes and a snooker table; the other with chairs and booths. (The bar opened on both sides). Guess where the women went?

    American girls are SO forward – they played darts and snooker while drinking from pint mugs! What a scandal! Should have sent those yanks packing in the 40s!

    It wasn’t long before the few younger women in town were joining us on the “wrong” side of the bar.

    All in all, a great pub – very friendly, very accommodating and not too many sideways glances at our stepping all over their cultural sensibilities (as americans going anywhere are wont to do…)

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