By Danny Sichel [Reprinted from WARP 102, the zine of the Montreal Science Fiction / Fantasy Association]
Q: Why did Vernor Vinge cross the road?
A: I’m sorry, I could never explain it to you. You only have human-level intelligence.
Q: Why did H. P. Lovecraft cross the road?
A: I must not tell you, for the knowledge itself would drive you mad. Mad, I tell you. MAD.
Q: Why did C.S. Lewis cr–
A: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!
ahem
Q: Why did C. S. Lewis cross the road?
A: It’s part of an elaborate allegory in which C. S. Lewis represents mankind, the road represents life, and the act of crossing represents embracing Christianity.
Q: Why did Harry Turtledove cross the road?
A: There’s an infinite number of answers for this question – one per timeline.
Q: Why did Isaac Asimov cross the road?
A: That’s actually a very interesting question, and I’m going to use it as the basis for this 30-page essay on the history of humor.
Q: Why did Philip K. Dick cross the road?
A: Are you sure he did? Are you sure there was ever a road here? Are you sure there was ever any such person as “Philip K. Dick” ?
Q: Why did Gene Wolfe cross the road?
A: Although it might seem as if I’ve left this question unanswered, if you carefully examine the previous five issues of WARP you will discover a series of subtle clues.
Q: Why did George R. R. Martin cross the road?
A: I’ve got a really great answer for this one. It’ll be ready by the end of next year. Well, two years. Three at the most, I swear.
Q: Why did Douglas Adams cross the road?
A: 42
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Why did Larry Niven cross the road?
Crossing the road is the obvious answer. A protector will know instantly that the road must be crossed. There is very little free will for a protector.
Q: Why did George R. R. Martin cross the road?
A: To kill a lot of characters over there,too
And Schroedinger’s cat is an indeterminate wave-form that could be on this side, not on this side, on the other side, not on the other side, or at an infinite number of locations on the road – that is, until you open a tin of cat-food.
Q: Why did Donald Kingsbury cross the road?
A: Who? [burp]
Roads? Where I’m scrolling we don’t need roads.
Why did Robert A. Heinlein cross the road?
To get to the faster lane.
Why did Ian McEwan cross the road?
Because no-one had thought of doing it before.
Why did Jack Vance cross the road?
To get to the thousand-year-old tavern, a low structure of dark timber beams, redolent of age and spilled beer, surrounded by massive willow trees…
Q: Why does a bozo cross the road?
A: Because there’s a bozo on the other side.
“Why did the Pixel cross the Scroll?”
Because he thought no-one had thought of doing it before.
Why did Pat Rothfuss cross the road?
I’ll tell you. It’s a brief ten chapter story.
– Why did the midget zombie take a hot bath?
– He was a little stiff!
– Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
– He had no guts.
– Why did Seanan McGuire cross the road?
– There are cornfields on both sides of the road. There is no escape…