Telepathic? Telekinetic?
We’re Hiring!

Illo by Teddy Harvia and Brad Foster. Reprinted from Corflu publications courtesy of the artists.

By Daniel Dern: If you’ve got mutant, meta-, super, magic, fae or other powers and abilities, be sure you’ve listed them at the top of your resume (and LinkedIn page, under SKILLS)… because, fueled by the responses to COVID-19, healthcare, education, and other industries are hot! hot! hot! to hire you!

* Telekinetics! — There’s never been a better job opportunity window for people who can move things without touching them. Class 5 rating for size, weight and distance who can help move infected patients with beds and respirators — but even Class 1s and 2s will find lots of opportunities for contactless handoffs and deliveries for food, packages and other deliveries, not to mention the health care and medical potential. (But act quick! The drone and mobile robot mobilization will soon snap up many of these positions!)

* Telepaths! — Help medical professionals put the “tele” in telemedicine. Provide remote-work and group conferencing, particularly in areas short on mobile and wired broadband. Help support virtual classrooms! Provide contactless day care management! Be sure to include specialties like meta-language understanding, physiological empathy, and communication with animals, plants and inanimate objects.

* Force-fielders! Depending on how far you can project yours, check out those telekinetic jobs. Also opportunities for isolation zones, first responder and other protection, and more. Persisters (free-standing fields) a plus!

* Healers! — ‘Nuff said! (But be sure to be tested first to determine whether you heal by absorbing illnesses… nobody wants that.)

* Strongers! Speedsters! Teleporters! Fliers! Delivery services want you!

* Glamourers — work with AR/VR to help remote workers, quarantined and stay-in-placers feel less hemmed in. Experience with claustrophia and agoraphobia a plus!

* Shapechangers, weres and size-changers — have we got odd jobs for you! And if your otherself is a non-carrier, or, even better, resistant, additional options (check the Telekinetics and Force-fielder listings for ideas).

* Time control and sleep-makers — help speed up or slow down metabolisms for curve-flattening and for infection testing. Can you put a building or village to sleep or other very-low-energy hibernation? Classified and unclassified opportunities!

* Teleporters, Portalers… help bring stranded travellers hope, and provide mission-critical transport where regular travel has been banned.

* Finders – Can you find lost things? Spot that last can of beans? Suss out caches of toilet paper and sanitizer? Find your dream job now!

* Pyrotics, Freezers and other Energy-Movers! Help cook! Help heat-clean! Provide cryo-food service! Put patients into cryo-suspension! And more!

* Vamps, Zombs, Weres and Other Bite/Contact Spread Conditions! Is your Other Self immune or high-healing for COVID — and is your condition (sorry, “Alternative Identity”) spreadable (in a deliberate, controlled way)? Healthcare providers and researchers want to talk with (and test) you! Help be part of the solution! (And maybe you and we can learn more about management of your Alternate Selfness.)

Don’t see your power, ability or specialty above? Contact 1-pi-aleph-sub-null-planck-I-GOT-PWRS or WeReHiringMetas to talk to our agents! (Telepaths, you can reach us directly at $^%(@*%&#@)

2 thoughts on “Telepathic? Telekinetic?
We’re Hiring!

  1. If you’re good enough at TK, how about this: scan a sample of the viral RNA, then reach out across the world, find every bit of that RNA…and shred it. (As long as we’re fantasizing, why think small?)

  2. @Daniel Dern: ROFL, that was great, thanks! 😀 The last bit in parens made me want to giggle. 😉

    @Mike Glyer: Thanks, as always, OGH!

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