[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com. Wipe your feet before entering.]

SPACE ELVES

Hello All! Melanie here.

When last we left our heroes, Writer X and her boyfriend, fellow fantasy writer Tod, were reunited following a month long mishap that involved gnomes, a brain-stunning device, and a general failure to ask people questions.

While this has resolved nicely with the appropriate people returning to their appropriate cocoons of romantic contentedness, new mysteries gather on the horizon. Tryxy—a demon—has been tiptoeing around with angels—specifically one angel—nursing a secret that he’s afraid X will uncover before he can find the words to break it to her.

With X and Tod back together and discussions of moving in underway, I wonder what writing plans X is formulating. The road of every writer is different from the next, but if one is to be the “next big epic fantasy writer of all time,” you do have to actually write something now and then.

This brings to mind something the former editor of The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, C.C. Finlay, once told me. He said: “The apprenticeship for becoming a writer is such a long and difficult one…it can be frequently interrupted by other aspects of life.”

I wonder if Charlie would include a mysterious angel and a traveling carnival in that list of “other aspects.”

Without further ado…

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Subject: SOMETHING NEW!!!!

Dear Gladys,

I found another one of those angel feathers. This time it wasn’t in my backyard, it was in the MUDROOM. Do you think an angel has been breaking into my house??? Or is it possibly just using it as a shortcut??? So far I haven’t heard any word of complaint from Tryxy, but if this keeps up, I’m going to have to call an exterminator. Once you get a case of the angels, they get into EVERYTHING.

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. Things are going WONDERFFULLY. First, we got satellite television. But also, my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, has been spending several nights a week at our humble abode here with Tryxy, #bestkitten, and me. And the malevolent purple leopard. Seeing as he owns his home and isn’t quite ready to sell it, we’re splitting our time between the two houses. This means I’ve written at least three days this week and the pages I’m about to send you are going to BLOW. YOU. AWAY.

This is LIKE NOTHING ELSE I”VE WRITTEN GLADYS!!!!

I am in the very early stages of writing AN ENTIRELY NEW EPIC FANTASY SAGA. This one is special, I can feel it in my writerly bones!!!! This NEW epic fantasy saga is going to be the one that establishes me as the next big epic fantasy writer of all time.

Now Gladys, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking HOW could I possibly publish this new saga before I publish my epic fantasy saga led by my AMAZING character Fenchin in search of the Humingdaal? But I won a flash fiction contest, I’m a PRO, and I think about things very differently than you or someone else might think.

I’m COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE with getting paid millions of dollars for this epic fantasy saga before I get paid millions of dollars for my masterpiece. Each of my sagas will reveal a DIFFERENT aspect of my writerly brilliance.

THe Fenchin story will have EVERYTHING—love, betrayal, adventure, magic, and square-dancing orcs. But this NEW saga has SUCH an original idea that it’s going to quickly establish me as a groundbreaking fantasy writer that creates something EXTREMELY NEW!!!!

If you’re a new writer, it’s helpful to attract new readers by doing something they’ve NEVER seen before, and while some fantasy writers out here plunder through other people’s cultures for unique material, SOME OF US ARE NATURALS AT NEWNESS!!!!!

Because you are my biggest fan, I feel I should prepare you for the pages I will send you at some point next week. You are going to be KNOCKED OFF YOUR FEET with the power of this new FANTASY IDEA!!!!!

Are you ready??

This story has—hang on, Gladys, I have to check and make sure no one’s looking over my shoulder.

This story has…SPACE. ELVES.

Right now, fantasy is experiencing a revival. People are making fantasy movies every which way, but you know what NO ONE is doing???? SPACESHIPS!!!! That’s why this is going to be such a hit!!!!

Anyhoo, I have to go. I’m waiting on a call from my life coach and then my boyfriend and I are going to binge watch the SCI-PHY channel!!!!!

xox,

X

P.S. Btw, (that means “by the way” Gladys) did you see the carnival is coming to town??? They’re still setting it up in the parking lot of that haunted Spirit of Halloween store, but I could’ve sworn I saw them erecting a Tilt-a-Hurl!!!! I can’t wait to bring Tryxy to the carnival!!!!!!

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Subject: COUPON BOOK!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

Whatever you are up to, I need you to STOP EVERYTHING, come over here, and help me find my Cradensburg Big Book of Savings. Nothing less than my ENTIRE WRITING CAREER is on the line!!!! AND CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO THE SCI-PHY CHANNEL ASAP!!!!!

Just when I’m ready to take the fantasy world by STORM, people have to come along and steal my ideas before I’m even finished with them!!!!!

Have you seen the new Sci-Phy show “Plight of Stars????” Well, some writer had the nerve to have a spaceship traveling between planets that have been consumed by a mysterious force called “The Blight” looking for survivors. They have a captain, a meat shield, a thief, AND AN ELF on the ship. AND THE ELF IS A MAGIC USER!!!!!

MY ELVES ARE MAGIC USERS!!!! Who is going to read my crummy story when they already have ELVES IN SPACE SHIPS????

I’m very upset Galdsy!!!! My boyfriend says that it’s hard when you think yuou’re writing something original and then you see that hollywood has already beat you to the punch but I’m not going to take this lying down!!!!!

There’s only one thing that can fix this and that’s THE CRADENSBURG BIG BOOK OF SAVINGS!!!!! I could have sworn—

Hang on, Gladys, an angel just flew past my window. Nahhhh, maybe it was a duck.

Anyhoo, what was I saying??? If I don’t stop people from putting elves in spaceships, other people will be famous for MY ideas and I won’t be considered groundbreaking at all!!! I talked to my life coach and there is only ONE THING that can be done to address this situation and that is some good ole juju. I need to make the Sci-Phy writer completely change the show!!!!! Why can’t they just stick to plundering someone else’s culture for material????

Good thing that the carnival has come to town!!!! There’s always a good Juju person at the carnvia—

Hang on, Gladys, I think an angel just tried to throw a baseball through my window and cracked my siding instead!!!! I need to find my nailbat. I can only hope I cleaned off the feathers from the last angel that tried to chuck a baseball through my window!!!!

Do you have an extra copy of that coupon book laying around??? I think I lost mine when I threw it at the mailman. Wasn’t there a coupon for 25% off juju??? Or am I misremembering???

Got my nailbat!!!

xox,

X

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Subject: FOUND IT!!!!

Dear Gladys,

Well that angel gave me the slip, but it definitely left a dent in my siding!!! I called my boyfriend and he said that maybe I should think about calling an exterminator. Do you know a good angel exterminator??? Didn’t your cousin Maude used to have something to do with angel extermination after the whole “Angel of the Lord” incident?

Anyhoo, things with my story are back on track!!!! I looked online and found that coupon and it’s for 40% off. Which is comforting because juju can be expensive!!! It’s a good thing I can do a solid Jamaican accent!!!!

Would you mind printing this out for me? My printer has a lil’ nailbat dent in it.

Off to the carnival next week, Gladys! Tomorrow, the stars!!!!!

xox,

X

I KNOW

I SHOULDN’T

KEEP THIS

A SECRET,

THAT’S NO

WAY TO

TREAT A

FRIEND. BUT

I’M NERVOUS

ABOUT

INTRODUCING

HIM TO

X. HE’S A

LITTLE

FLIGHTY.