Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Fifty-Fourth

[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com. Wipe your feet before entering.]

THE MYSTERY OF RAVENHAIR SILKENWIND

Hello All, Melanie here!

Personally, I’ve never participated in NaNoWriMo. I tried once, but forgot to upload my word counts. Has anyone given it a whirl?

Without further ado…


Subject: Current NaNoMishMash Writng Progress

Dear Gladys,

I am writing you from behind the dumpster of the Ink Black Coffee Club. I just saw you go by with your cousin Blanche. I would have said hello but I’m in the middle of stalking investigating why Ravenhair Silkenwind hasn’t gotten any words written for November Novel Writing Thing!!!!

It’s November 7th and we are in the first full week of our writing competition against the Fantasy Writer’s Meetup of Brokenheap, NH!!!! These are the word count tallies as of this morning

Fantasy Writer’s Meetup of Brokenheap, NH:
61,721 total words written

Ink Black Coffee Club’s Fantasy Dream Team of Cradensburg, NH:
14,204 total words written

Bevvy Madison Hart: 0 total words written
Tod Boadkins: 14,198 total words written
Edwina Tómas: 6 total words written
Ravenhair Silkenwind: 0 total words written
Writer X: 0 total words written (THIS WILL CHANGE SOON, GLADYS!!!!!)

FORTUNATELY for our Dream Team, I’M the Team Coordinator!!!! There’s NO WAY I’m going to let those writers in Brokenheap beat us. They don’t even have their own pet store!!!!

Oh! Ravenhair is headed into the coffee club now with his laptop bag in tow. Good thing I have this handy disguise on. No one will recognize me in this hot pink 80s power suit and wig!!! I look like a hot pink wedge salad!!!!

Sending intelligence in the next email, Gladys!!!! I need your eyes on this. We all have to do our part!!!!

xox,

X

sent from my iPhone


From: Bevvy Hart

Fw: Our Numbers

Dear Gladys,

Could you please respond to Bevvy for me and let her know I’m currently hiding on top of a paper maché sculpture of the Andy Warhol banana and I don’t want to give my location away??? Thx. (That means Thanks, Gladys!!!)

xox,

X

begin forwarded message

Dear X,

Did you see the latest numbers in our NaNoWriMo competition? I’m a little worried about how few words we’re producing this year. Just checking in to see if you need any direction on how to get our team’s word count up. I find soothing affirmations really do the trick.

Don’t worry about my word count. I’ve got some writing time today and, as soon as I dust my writing space, I’ll get some writing in.

Btw, I drove by Ink Black a little while ago and thought I saw someone who looked like you in a hot pink power suit but I couldn’t make out their face past the enormous shoulder pads and tangled lavender wig.

Warmly,
Bevvy

Bevvy Madison Hart she/her
Wandering Spirit Small Press, CEO
A Vegan Owned and Operated Press


Subject: MONDAY INTELLIGENCE ON RAVENHAIR!!!!

Dear Gladys,

Here are my notes!!!!

11:37 a.m. – Ravenhair nervously sets up his laptop near the barista station on a low round coffee table surrounded by a bevy of stale couches even though it would make more sense for him to set up his laptop on the bar lining the back wall. They have outlets installed. Wonder what’s behind this choice of seating????

11:38-11:54 a.m. – Ravenhair is watching the rainbow haired barista with the chrome nose ring serve plain hot coffees to a group of three seniors who’ve never been here before and are asking a lot of questions about the giant banana. They’re going to blow my cover, Gladys!!!!!

12:30 – Ravenhair has had laptop open for almost an hour but has written nothing. Keeps staring at barista.

12:34 p.m. – He’s wiping his hands on his pants, Gladys!!! I think he’s gonna write!!!!

12:36 p.m. – Goes to barista, asks her if she went to school for this kind of thing. Barista just stares at him and asks if he wants to order something. Orders a biscotti and slinks to his poorly chosen table.

12:42 p.m. – Returns to barista and asks for drink recommendation to dip his biscotti in. Barista says “ANYTHING HOT.”

It’s getting uncomfortable on top of this banana, Gladys!!!! It takes a lot of inner thigh strength to hold on this long!!!!

1:14 p.m. – Still hasn’t written anything. Preoccupied with the barista. Wipes hands on his pants again and goes back up to the bar, clears his throat loudly and asks if he can base a character off the barista for a book he’s writing. Barista looks annoyed at first but then says that she didn’t know he was a writer, she always thought he was in IT. Ravenhair looks dejected but pushes on.

2:47 p.m. – He’s still talking to her about his book, Gladys. The temperature in this cafe has increased by five degrees Fahrenheit from his mouth exhaust alone. I’m starting to sweat!!! I’m going to slide down my banana!!!! I’ve got to do something!!!!

Good thing I learned how to throw my voice two summers ago when I accidentally enrolled in ventriloquist camp.

Okay Gladys, I sent my voice beneath the overstuffed couch he was sitting on and shouted “Would you ask her out already and get some darn writing done?” It startled the both of them. Ravenhair turned beat red, packed up his lap top and I just heard him gunning it down the road outside.

Gotta go, Gladys!!! This banana is chafing me and I want one of those biscotti!!!!

xox,

X

sent from my iPhone


From: Bevvy Hart

Fw: Do you need my help?

Dear Gladys,

I’ll get some writing done just as soon as I figure out what’s keeping Ravenhair from writing!!!!

xox,

X

begin forwarded message

Dear X,

Here’s the latest numbers as of this morning, Nov. 8th. I hope you know what you’re doing. I’ve budgeted some time for writing today. I’ll start as soon as I finish picking out a pen with the right color vegan ink to write my notes in.

Fantasy Writer’s Meetup of Brokenheap, NH:
70,106 total words written

Ink Black Coffee Club’s Fantasy Dream Team of Cradensburg, NH:
17,068.5 total words written

Bevvy Madison Hart: 0 total words written
Tod Boadkins: 17062 total words written
Edwina Tómas: 6.5 total words written
Ravenhair Silkenwind: 0 total words written
Writer X: 0 total words written

“Warmly”,
Bevvy

Bevvy Madison Hart she/her
Wandering Spirit Small Press, CEO
A Vegan Owned and Operated Press


Subject: THANKS FOR LOANING ME YOUR LOCKPICKING KIT!!!!

Dear Gladys,

I’m off to a late start in getting to the bottom of the Ravenhair Writing Mystery. I started early this morning by dressing up in a new and totally different disguise and went back down to the Ink Black Coffee Club to climb the banana but Ravenhair never showed up. It turns out, he went to Mr. Morgan’s and did some light shopping and returned home. Unfortunately he locked his door behind him.

Fortunately for me, you have a lockpicking kit and I still have that pink ninja suit I bought last year when I was stalking my boyfriend, award-nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins. Worth every cent!!!!

Currently making up for lost time by hiding in Ravenhair’s murphy bed.

Ravenhair looks a bit shaken this morning, when I followed him into his bathroom he kept looking over his shoulder like he thinks someone’s after him. Maybe that’s why he isn’t getting any writing done???

Ravenhair is sitting at his kitchen table. Opens up laptop. Is staring at it. Picks up his phone and calls his mother. She’s on speaker phone.

Mother wants to know if he’ll consider going back to school for IT because it’s still “not too late.”

Ravenhair grumbles “I’m a writer, Ma.”

Mother says he should write a story about their family. His grandfather was a hamster salesman and his grandmother raised eggs. “I just think it would be an interesting story.”

Ravenhair looks like he might hang up. Snaps that he “has to get some writing done.” (I agree, Gladys!!!!) Starts to hang up but then decides to tell his mother that there is a lot of money in self-publishing and that as soon as he gets twenty books written he’ll make $50k a year. Adds “and unlike these other writers out here, I can actually write!”

I throw my voice so that it comes from behind his refrigerator and say, “I’m sure your mother would be REALLy impressed if you just shut up and got writing!”

Gotta go, Gladys!!!

xox,

X

sent from my iPhone


From: Bevvy Hart

Fw: Maybe I’d better step in…

Dear Gladys,

ArggghghhhhhH!!!!!!!

xox,

X

begin forwarded message

Dear X,

It’s November 9th. I can’t help but feel we did much better last year when I was the write team coordinator. Let me know if you want some tips on how to fix this. Don’t worry about my numbers. I’m about to sit down and write. I’ll start as soon as I finish reorganizing all my doc files according to mood.

Brokenheap shouldn’t win. They don’t even have a puzzle shop.

Fantasy Writer’s Meetup of Brokenheap, NH:
79,096 total words written

Ink Black Coffee Club’s Fantasy Dream Team of Cradensburg, NH:
19,014.75 total words written

Bevvy Madison Hart: 0 total words written
Tod Boadkins: 19008 total words written
Edwina Tómas: 6.75 total words written
Ravenhair Silkenwind: 0 total words written
Writer X: 0 total words written

Warmly…,
Bevvy

Bevvy Madison Hart she/her
Wandering Spirit Small Press, CEO
A Vegan Owned and Operated Press


Subject: POISON OAK POISONING!!!!

Dear Gladys,

Please drop everything and bring me some chamomiline lotaion!!!!! I’m currently swelling up like a blimp. I sent Tryxy to the store, but I don’t think he knows what chamomiline lotaion is because he hasn’t gotten back yet!!!!

I have made some critical progress in unravelling the mystery of why Ravenhari hasn’t gotten any wrtiogns dones (soerry Gladys mny fingers are swelling from all the scrat ching.)

Following Ravenhair was especially hard today. He seems to think he’s being followed and he kept nervously looking over his shoulder and turning his car around to see if someone was after him. He went to the park on Farm Hill Road and found an empty pavilion. Sat down at the table and opened his laptop but then just watched people go by with their dogs.

Fortunately I had Tryxy with me and we disguised ourselves as a local Frisbee Golf team.

After about twenty-eight minutes in our unseasonably warm fall weather, Ravenhair looked like he was going to finally get some writing done and then THE DOG WALKER HAPPENED.

This man with a dreadlocked dog went walking by and stopped to pick up his dog’s enormous dollop by Ravenhair’s pavilion and Ravenhair’s eyes lit up and he SPRUNG on him. With conversation. Started asking the guy about the dog breed. Dog Walker says its Hungarian. Dog Walker asked Ravenhair why he had his laptop in the park, was he in IT. (I think Ravenhair gets very sensitive about the “I” question, Galdys!!!!) Ravenhair got very upset and explained that he’s a writer. Dog Walker apologized and asked what sort of thing Ravenhair was writing and Ravenhair THEN LAUNCHED INTO A ONE HOUR DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD THAT HE’S BUILDING.

When he got to the currency of the dark dwarves of Nomdorkin, I knew I had to act!!!! I should have done more ventriloquism but I was all hyped up on Tryxy and I’s game of Frolf and I whipped the frisbee Ravenhair’s way. It coasted, made a wide arc, and hit Ravenhair square in the ear. Ravenhair and the Dog Walker shouted and, to conceal my identity, I had to dive into the nearest bush.

Which was unfortunately poison oak. Now I have rashes all over everything that wasn’t covered by safety pads!!!!

I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO GLADYS!!!!! As soon as you bring me some chamomiline loation, I’m heading down to that potion maker on Dead Mist Hill who’s fallen on hard times!!!!

WITH TRYXY AS MY WITNESS, RAVENHAIR SILVERWIND WILL WRITE AGAIN!!!!!

Well, Tryxy will witness it as soon as he gets back from shopping for my chamomiline lotions.

xox,

X


Subject: CASE CLOSED!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

It’s November 12th and I may not have gotten any words written in my epic fantasy saga this week, but I have definitely done my part in whipping the Fantasy Dream Team into ShapE!!!!!!

Check out these numbers!!!!

Fantasy Writer’s Meetup of Brokenheap, NH:
79,096 total words written

Ink Black Coffee Club’s Fantasy Dream Team of Cradensburg, NH:
25,289.25 total words written

Bevvy Madison Hart: 0 total words written
Tod Boadkins: 22,936 total words written
Edwina Tómas: 6.25 total words written
Ravenhair Silkenwind: 2347 total words written
Writer X: 0 total words written

And to think, all it took was slipping a couple drops of laryngitis potion into Ravenhair’s mouth while he was sleeping. Things would have been great if it weren’t that I tripped over that forsynthia bush when I was making my escape.

BTW, can you please come and bail me out???? I have writing to catch up on!!!!

Case closed! One down, two to go, GLADYS!!!!!

xox,

X

P.S. Please bring enough bond money to cover your standard breaking and entering charges. Please and thank you.

All correspondences sent from this device are subject to review by law enforcement and can be used as evidence in a court of law.

HAVE HOPPED

THROUGH

666

DIFFERENT

PHARMACY

REALITIES

AND STILL

CAN’T FIND

CHAMOMILINE

LOATION.

2 thoughts on “Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Fifty-Fourth

  1. Perhaps it is Brokenheap’s lack of commerce, culture, or entertainment establishments that allows their writers to be so productive.

  2. I write in New Hampshire and I can definitely tell you that having nothing else to do has drastically increased my output.

    That and being too lazy to drive the hour and a half to the “nice” movie theatre.

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