[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com. Wipe your feet before entering.]
THE HAUNTED HILLS DEBACLE
Hello All, Melanie here!
Sometimes it’s hard to get words on the page even if you have all the free time in the world. It’s also true that sometimes you have the words, but not the time. This week it looks like Writer X is faced with that question that writers have been asking for thousands of years: Why do I have to adult?
In somewhat related news, TIL that neon pink giraffe suits do exist. You know, in case you find you ever need one, they’re one short google away.
Without further ado…
Subject: FANTASY DREAM TEAM!!!!!
I HAVE HAD A BREAKTHRUOUGH!!!! At last, I finally know the solution to writing my second novel and that is…
TO GO BACK TO MY FIRST NOVEL AND RE-WRITE IT!!!!
This time, I know it’s going to work!!!
I’m sure you’re very curious about how I have come to this GROUNDBREAKING BREAKTHOUGHR OF GROUND. Well, it all started with a little thing you may have heard about beforecalled NaNoMuMo.
NaNoMuMi is a month long writing event in which people who are not the chosen one all vie to be the chosen one of writing and by Chosen One I mean the Next Big Epic Fantasy Writer of All Time!!!!
It has become QUITE the competition in writing circles and all of the writers in town have been talking about another little arcane thing called PREPTOBER. This is when writers CHEAT and start creating OUTLINES and other such monstrosities so that they put out HIGH NOVEL NUMBERS in NOMEMBER. Basically, they are GAMING the SYSTEM so that they are really having TWO NaNoNutmegs!!!!!
Last Sunday who did I run into but Marjorie. They said that they had been working on an outline for a Solarpunk Romance Thriller and asked me IF I WOULD BE JOINING THE INK BLACK COFFEE CLUB NANOMUSKOX WRITE-IN!!!!!! They even said that the Ink Black Coffee Club Critique Group has broken up into separate factions and, since my boyfriend is award-nominated Fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, that I should think about joining to help beef up the Fantasy Team!!!!
Do you know what that means, Gladys???? That means they forgot they BANNED ME!!!!! It’s a NaNuMacrobiotic Miracle!!!!
Hang on, Gladys, that’s Tryxy calling me. He just got home and says I should come see whatever is happening on our front steps.
Okay I’m back and I am shaking mad!!! I’m too mad to finish this email!!!!
P.S. I will finish the email later when the levels of adrenalin pumping through my eyeballs significantly lessens, Galdys!!!!!!
Please call the police station right now. They are no longer taking calls from me directly. Please tell them that my front door has been vandalized by the neighbors over THIS!!!!
I’m attaching the following EVIDENCE OF VANDALISM so that you can FORWARD THESE TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.
Then I’m calling my property lawyer!!!!!
P.S. Could you please call my property lawyer??? I promised him I would never talk to him again after he confiscated my neon pink giraffe suit and I don’t want to break my streak!!!!
P.P.S. All of this is taking away from my precious writing time!!!!!
Subject: EVERYTHING THAT ISN”T WRITING IS HAPPENING AT ONCE!!!!!
Why do people have to have seasons and holidays and day jobs and “responsibilities”?????
Just when I have finally had a breakthrough on my second novel by going back and working on rewriting my first novel, and just when I finally have been selectd to be on the FANATSY DREAM TEAM, EVERYTHING that ISN’T writing is happening at once!!!
EVEN THE WEATHER IS WORKING AGAINST ME!!!!
It has gotten colder since last week and Tryxy is on a cozy kick. As the temperature drops he has decided that he wants to light a fire in the fireplace, wear autumnal turtlenecks and flannel, and drink hot cider. This would be completely fine EXCEPT that there is that evil man with the cockney accent who has been divided in two STILL CLOGGING UP MY CHIMNEY.
Now my BFFForever has been severely cozy cramped thanks to the Cockney Evil Magician and, when I told him that he had to go so that we could light a fire in our fireplace, HE HEXED THE CHIMNEY SO THAT IT RESEMBLES THE BELLY OF A LIZARD and said that I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FREE HIM UNLESS I REJOINED HIS TWO HALVES THUS ENABLING HIM TO HOLD HUMANITY CAPTIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS.
THe nerve of some people!!!
So now I have to go to the hardware store and buy up all their super glue so that my BFF can have his cozy fire and autumnal turtlenecks and stop being cockney blocked!!!!
In the meanwhile, please let me know when the police will arrive, I don’t want to miss them while I’m out picking up super glue!!!
Subject: NEGATORY ON THE POLICE PLEASE
New information has been brought to my attention. Please call the police and tell them to cancel coming to my house!!!! This is urgent!!!
From: Evil Neighbor Ashley
FW: Legal Action
I’ve decided to change my mind on decorating my house this halloween and to become a generous and benevolent person and help my neighbors win this year’s Most Haunted Hill title of my own freewill.
Tryxy and I drove by your house yesterday and noticed that you have a very thoughtful and elaborate halloween decoration display. Could we please borrow your decorations? I need them either Saturday the 29th or Sunday the 30th, you can have them back for Halloween night.
P.S. Do you know which day the town council and local 4Hers are actually going to come judge the neighborhood??? The flyers all say Saturday October 30th but Saturday is the 29th.
begin forwarded message:
begin forwarded message:
I hereby apologize for costing the Horn Hill Neighborhood the title of “Most Haunted Hill” two years in a row thanks to being a “decoration delinquent.”
I hereby promise to participate in the next Haunted Hills of Cradensburg Contest with the understanding that my participation means the neighborhood will collectively forgo suing me over the property damage that may or may not have accumulated from the thing that happened with the two pelicans, the box of chewable laxatives, the cans of Campbell’s Tomato Soup, and the anonymous person dressed in the neon pink giraffe suit that was definitely not me.
I also understand that if I do not participate in the coming year’s Haunted Hills contest, and cause the neighborhood to be collectively disqualified from the contest, that my neighbors will resume legal action over the aforementioned incident.
Subject: I’m writing again, Gladys!!!!
I never thought it would happen, but I”m writing again!!!! Fenchin is back!!!!!
It all started when I was supposed to be decorating my lawn for Halloween but was waiting for you to bring over your decorations since we only need them for two nights at MOST. Tryxy suggested that I drive over to Mr. Morgan’s and see what I could dig up from the dredges of the Last Minute Halloween Decorations for Decoration Delinquent’s Bargain Bins and I was going to go…but then I found myself opening up my old story file and reading the pages and I was SWEPT AWAY!!!!
Somehow, even though the tock is clicking and the neighbors are unjustly threatening legal action, I was caught up in the world of Fenchin and it was SO good that time got away from me. Next thing I knew, I looked up and it was definitely too late in the afternoon for Mr. Morgan’s to be open (besides, he’s never open when you think he isn’t) and I knew that the best use of my time was to get started on my new draft RIGHT AWAY!!!!!
The only problem that I’m having right now is that it’s not yet NaNoNominalAphasia and I don’t want my stopry progress to be disqualified from the Fantasy Dream Team!!!!
It feels so good to be writing words again!!! This time I know that I’m going to be a famous writer by December and everything is lining up for INSTANT NOTORIETY!!!
As for the Haunted Hills decorations, it isn’t saturday until tomorrow and I’ve decided that I can at least wait another day before putting up the decorations because SURELY they must mean that the judges and the local 4H Club will be coming on SUNDAY because the flyer says October 30th and that is DEFINITELY SUNDAY and I have zero reasons to worry.
By the way, Gladys, would you happen to know of any other way to reassemble a man that has been magically sawed in half by The Society in 1823 in order to keep him from enslaving humanity??? I threw some super glue down the lizard chimney’s gullet and he said it didn’t work. This situation is getting kind of urgent because the chimney lizard has begun to molt it’s skin and Tryxy’s just bought us matching autumnal turtlenecks and the molting chimney will DEFINITELY cramp his cozy vibes!!!!
Will send pages tomorrow!!!!
Subject: What time will you be by with those decorations?
I can hardly hear myself type above the growing unrestful sounds of my neighbors protesting my undecorated lawn outside. Was just wondering when you’d be by with those decorations? I told them that they’re getting upset for nothing. After all, today is SATURDAY the 29th and there’s no way the contest judges and local 4H Club will be by this evening when the flyer CLEARLY says they’ll be coming on Saturday OCTOBER 30th!!!
Random question: could I be sued for the FLYER’S error????
Anyways Gladys, I would send you my latest pages, but right now I don’t want to distract you from bringing over those decorations even though I know you’re DYING to hear my new story!!! Good things come to those who wait!!!!
When you get here I’ll be on the roof plunging my chimney brush down the chimney lizard’s gullet!!!
See you soon!!!
sent from my iPhone
Subject: URGENT SITUATION HAS EVOLVED!!!!!
I HOPE YOU ARE ON THE WAY WITH MY DECORATIONS!!!
I am up hear on my roof battling the chimney lizard (he’s very toothsome and not too crazy about having a broom shoved down his gob) and I see the contest judges and the local 4Hers coming up the hill!!!!!
Hang on, Gladys!!! The lizard has lassoed my leg with his tongue!!!!
sent from my iPhone
Subject: LOCAL HERO!!!!!!!
The light of destiny is definitely shining upon me. I am back to writing my Fenchin story. I’ve been invited to join the Ink Black Coffee Club’s Fantasy Dream Team for NaNoMixALot. Tryxy and I had the coziest evening that has ever been recorded in cozy history and we even had my boyfriend award-nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins over and he even wore the most adorable autumnal turtleneck and plaid shirt with me, Tryxy, and #bestkitten.
To top it all off, as I’m sure you’ve heard, MY NEIGHBOR’S ARE SINGING MY PRAISES!!!!! I bet when you got my emails yesterday you thought that I was doomed to yet again cause Horn Hill to be disqualified from the Haunted Hills of Cradensburg Contest but now THANKS TO MY GENIUS, my neighbors will have the honor of coughing up $500 to pay for a 4H scholarship so that the local 4H club can purchase a pig and they will also have the honor of coughing up another $5000 to cover the local 4H club’s group therapy sessions!!!!
Sometimes you doubt yourself and spend an entire month NOT WRITING and then, all of a sudden, everything changes and life shows you how you are princess of the UNIVERSE.
One moment you’ve got your chimney brush down the left nostril of a raging chimney dragon while your neighbors chant “WRITER X MOVE! WRITER X MOVE!” and the town judges close in on your undecorated lawn. The next minute, the chimney lizard sneezes and expels the two ends of an undead evil early 19th century wizard out its yap and the half with the legs plummet into the astonished crowd. The very next minute, the bloody legs are running away from the top half of the evil wizard while the torso and head of his body sails through the air and lands smack dab in the middle of the 4Hers who scream and go running for the hills as the evil wizard claws his way over the streets of Cradensburg in pursuit of his escaping legs.
Needless to say, the neighbors are ASTONISHED!!!!
Gotta go write, Gladys! Next week it’s Nano…nonny… You know what I mean!!