[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA.]

THE FRESH FISH OF ROCK AND ROLL

Hello, All! Melanie here.

When last we left Writer X, she was trying to lose weight to help her meet her writing goals. She also was trying to get her demon BFF Tryxy’s band booked at the grand opening of a grocery store sushi counter. If she succeeds, this would go a long way in fulfilling Tryxy’s dream of playing at a sushi restaurant.

Without further ado…

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Subject: Can you bail me out of jail in five minutes or so???

Dear Gladys,

Every time one of my stabilizer balls explodes, I get this obnoxious ringing in my ears!!!! I can’t remember if you told me your new phone number ended with a seven or an eleven so I’m sending you this email instead.

My boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, just sent me these screenshots of his conversation with Mr. Morgan and I think I’m finally making some headway in getting him to book Demonkitty for the grand opening of his new sushi counter!!!!

Either that, or I’m going to jail, so stand by!!!!!!

Here’s the screenshots from my boyfriend!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. Well, I’m in the third week of working with my Internalized Fat Phobia Coach and I still haven’t lost ANY WEIGHT!!!!! This was a significant set back in my writing-related weight loss goals and provoked a lot of stress eating. If my Fat Phobia Coach just spent a little less time talking about me loving my body unconditionally, we could do a lot more conditioning of my core!!!!

Hang on, Gladys, I accidentally bounced into the fish case and now there’s farm-raised salmon and ice chips everywhere. I filled this ball up with extra air so that it’s SUPER BOUNCY. MORE BOUNCE MEANS MORE CALORIES!!!!!!

BUT my boyfriend’s not much help with my weight loss goals. He keeps telling me that he’s attracted to me just as I am and that maybe I should start writing characters that look more like me as an exercise in self-love but I can love myself WAAAAAAAYyYYYYYY better when I’m thirty pounds smaller!!!!!

I’ve had to take things into my own hands. I replaced my daily writing time with keeping a strict calorie counting journal. But it’s calories in, calories out, Galsdy!!!! I have to burn as many calories as I eat, so I needed new ways to get in some extra exercise. Cars are a road block to burning calories so when I drove mine off the bridge again last week, I took it as a sign from the universe!!!!!

Then, I ordered a truck load of these beautiful hot pink stabilizer balls. I got rid of ALLL the chairs in my house and I’ve just been bouncing on these balls everywhere and so far there hasn’t been any downsidddddddthnspei

Hang on, Gladys, I got a little of that ice underneath me and just careened fifty feet across the store and collided with a display of mixed nuts.

As you know, I’ve been working on Mr. Morgan to book Demonkitty for the grand opening of the sushi counter and Tryxy and #bestkitten have been practicing nonstop since I told them that I absolutely have the gig in the bag and hung up posters promoting the show!!!!

So I stopped in to see if Mr. Morgan’s come to his senses yet and you know what I found out???? He’s opening the sushi counter TOMORROW!!!! This is fantastic!!!! Tryxy has off of work AND school tomorrow!!!!

Hang on. I think I have a honey-roasted cashew in my ear.

But Mr. Morgan doesn’t seem to see the logic. He says it’s “too late” the “health inspector’s coming tonight” and “cat around fresh fish” and “scromboid poisoning.” He was in the middle of hanging a giant squid shaped paper lantern over the fresh fish case when I accidentally bounced his ladder out from underneath him. Then he had to “go to the back” and “get first aid” and “check on his lawyer” and the fish counter person told me that “check on his lawyer” is either code for “call the police” or “take three or four lorazepam and a bottle of red wine.”

Which is why I’ve decided to write you!!!! Because I am SO close to making this happen. 

Hey Gladys, have you ever noticed that when you bounce over something ppointy your stabilizer ball makes this weird “peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen” sound??? Or it goes “peen! peen! peen!” with every bounce!!! Fortunately I brought my bicycle pump with me in case I lost any bounciness!!!! I even know how to pump and bounce in tandem!!! One calorie burned per bounce when you work both your arms and your core!!!!!!

I have to say that Mr. Morgan has done a really good job setting up this new sushi counter!!! The paper squid lantern is a nice touch. And the torii gate!! And the delicate little ceramic fish hanging everywhere. And the grand opening sign with the shiny gold leaf Japanese characters that probably say “Year of the Goat” or something!!!!! And the counter staff in fresh white aprons and hats looking nervously at me as I bounce towrad that

[hinb’sEb’uEO{GTO:WEL””BGNT:LNG”WLSGBNU psengto

sent from my iPhone

X KEEPS

CALLING

AND

HANGING

UP BECAUSE

SHE CAN’T

HEAR ME.

MANAGED

TO MAKE

OUT THAT

SUSHI

COUNTER

IS OPENING

AS SOON AS

IT’S

REBUILT

AND

DEMONKITTY

IS OFFICIALLY

PLAYING!

SO EXCITED!

SO NERVOUS!

WHAT IF

I MESS UP?