[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA.]

ALL MY CHARACTERS ARE THIN, LITHE, AND HAVE LIMPID EYES

Hello, All! Melanie here.

Last week, Writer X and friends started their New Year with a bang, a boom, and then a lot of smoke. Most of this occurred when X accidentally torched Gladys’s house with fireworks.

X is in crisis. While visiting the new department store in town, X saw herself in the dressing room mirrors and realized her weight was the real thing wrong with her writing. She and her new friend, Leonard Biggleton, have started seeing a wellness coach specializing in Internalized Fat Phobia.

Meanwhile, the demon Tryxy wished on New Year’s Eve that his band Demonkitty (a band consisting of one demon on drums and one adorable, deaf kitten on the microphone) would become famous. Wonder of wonders, it seems things are starting to happen. Just last week, the college radio station played their song “Ninevah Burns In My Soul.”

Or maybe it’s a coincidence.

Without further ado…

---

Subject: I can only be a great writer if I’m THIN, GLADYS!!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

I went power-walking past your house this morning with my new friend Leonard Biggleton and we noticed that your place was still a heap of blackened posts and rubble. Any idea when you’ll get around to rebuilding??? You can’t live in a tent forever!!! Especially in the middle of January!!!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. Remember that Internalized Fat Phobia Coach I was telling you about?? If I could just get her to help me lose weight instead of except my weight as it is, my writing would be on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL!!!!! But for some reason, my Internalized Fat Phobia Coach seems to be the LAST person to understand how this works!!!

I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to write this email, but I’m typing with one hand. With the other hand, I’m pumping serious iron.

Hang on, Galdsy, that’s Mr. Morgan calling me. BRB!!! (That means “be right back.”)

Okay, I’m back!!! It seems like every time I turn around, Mr. Morgan is under the delusion that he has a chance of WINNING ANYTHING WITH ME!!!!

Just the other day I was at Mr. Morgan’s Food Emporium and Things Nicely Priced and you know what I heard???? Demonkitty’s song “Ninevah Burns In My Soul” was playing in the canned soup aisle!!!!!! I immediately texted Tryxy and let him know and of course he lost his mind and came running over.

I may have also told Tryxy that Mr. Morgan was a huge fan of his and wanted Demonkitty to come play at the grand opening of his new sushi counter. I have no idea why I said it, Gladys, I just want Tryxy to be happy!!!!!

Then, when Tryxy got to Mr. Morgan’s, Mr. Morgan had the nerve to act like he had no idea what Tryxy was talking about and started saying that he wasn’t sure he had “insurance” that would let a musical act perform next to a food prep counter loaded with sharp knives, raw fish, and a risk of Scromboid Poisoning. When I told him that the MUSICIANS weren’t at ANY risk of Scromboid Poisoning, he too failed to see the point.

Don’t you worry, though, Gladys. I’m going to get Mr. Morgan to book Demonkitty for their sushi counter grand opening if it’s the last thing I do!!!!!

Hang on, Gladys, I dropped my dumbbell on my boyfriend’s laptop. Sweat is slippery!!! I need some weight lifting gloves!!!!

What was I saying??

Oh, I was telling you how the key to me becoming the next big epic fantasy writer of all time is for me to become as thin and impossibly beautiful as my characters!!!!! My new friend, Leonard Biggleton, is also seeing the same Internalized Fat Phobia Coach and he’s experiencing similar results. NO WEIGHT LOSS AT ALL!!!!!

He told me that he started feeling bad about his weight when he was little and it made him depressed and being depressed made him eat and then he gained more weight and no matter how happy his love life is, or how magnificent his Deck Building Business is doing, he still feels like a massive failure in life because he doesn’t have a 32” waist.

Gladys, isn’t that RIDICULOUS????? Leonard Biggleton is handsome, kind, passionate about decks AND fireworks, and he’s got a mean power-walking pace!!!!

I told him so and he smiled softly at me and said, “That’s very kind of you, but it’s not how I feel. I just feel like if I lost all my fat, it would go a long way to getting rid of my internalized fat phobia.”

I comforted him by explaining how my situation is FAR WORSE!!!!! I’m supposed to be the next big epic fantasy writer of all time and while my life looks perfect with my pink wardrobe, fantastic collection of disguises, my faberge egg display, AND I’m in a power couple with none other than my boyfriend, award-nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins who is ADORABLE, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to win awards or write my nine book epic fantasy saga if my thighs jiggle!!!!

Leonard said, “I’m not sure how your weight is connected to your writing?”

FORGIVE HIM, GLADYS, HE DOESN’T KNOW.

I said, “How am I supposed to write with confidence if I’m worried about having a double chin shadow in my author photo, Leonard????”

Then HE said, “What about all the amazing, fat, beautiful SFF writers out there?”

I said, “THIS IS ABOUT ME, LEONARD!!!”

I can’t believe this isn’t obvious to him!!!! It’s not about authors, it’s about CHARACTERS THAT AUTHORS CREATE!!!!!! OUR CHARACTERS ARE HOW WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! I channel my internal loathing into creating impossibly perfect versions of me!!!!! My characters are supposed to be tall, waif like, with purple eyes. WHO ISN’T BETTER WHEN THEY’RE TALL, WAIF LIKE, WITH PURPLE EYES?????

Was Bombur not the fattest and laziest of all the dwarves??? Who idolizes Bombur???

Is there a single scene in all of the Hunger Games trilogy in which Katniss dons her mockingjay pin after wrestling into her favorite pair of Spanx?????

Galdsy, I saw you at the theatre watching Endgame with your cousin Blanche. Was Fat Thor called Sexy As Hell even once???? Okay. I’ll give you that. But by anyone BUT me????

Not to worry. I’m going to give my new and naive Internalized Fat Phobia coach a couple more weeks to come around and see the Writing on the Wall. And in the Books. And in the subtext. After that, I should have lost at least ten pounds and should be feeling a lot more like the Next Big Epic Fantasy Writer of All Time!!!!

Okay, Gladys, I’ve written you an email and completed 40 reps with my 2 lb weights. I’m going to be super strong!!!!! I feel thinner already!!!! I have to see what the scale says!!!!!! BRB!!!! (That means “be right back”.)

I’m sorry. You may have been wondering why I disappeared from writing this email for three and a half hours instead of hitting send.

Well, I weighed myself and saw that I had GAINED four pounds since this morning. Then, I lost my mind and fell into a rotisserie chicken and a whole whoopie pie!!!! Then when my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, found me licking whoopie pie crumbs off a chicken carcass, he said that I had left my dumbells on the scale and that was the reason behind my four pound weight gain. So I got on the scale again but I was now one chicken and a whoopie pie heavier!!!!!

Then he asked “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LAPTOP???”

Gotta go!!!! Pages next week, Gladys!!!!

xox,

X

ALWAYS

WANTED

TO PLAY

A SUSHI

COUNTER

GRAND

OPENING.

IT’S THE

PERFECT,

UNLIKELY

PAIRING:

ROCK

AND…

ROLL.

GET IT?