[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA.]

MICROSTORY. GO!

Hello, All! Melanie here.

When last we left our heroes, Writer X was busy figuring out how to fit an entire epic fantasy story into just five hundred words for the Ink Black Coffee Club Critique Group’s Microfiction. She wasn’t the only one busy writing, Tryxy the demon has been trying to write more songs so that he and #bestkitten’s shows go longer than fifteen minutes.

Sometimes, you need less words. Sometimes, you need more. Sometimes, the story is in what you don’t say.

Without further ado…

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Subject: How many words is in an an hour????

Dear Gladys,

I am a writer. I know you don’t know a lot of writers because we are so incredibly rare, EXTREMELY RARE. How many Brandon Sandersons do you know??? SO RARE.

But anyway, I was at the town’s monthly chamber of commerce networking event and I was talking to the seventy-six other writers there pushing their latest books and we were discussing how important word count is and how you have to be extremely economical with your words!!!! Us writers don’t just throw words aroound willy nilly!!! Words aren’t spaghetti!!!!!

I would have liked for the conversation to go on longer, but then came the portion of the event when we all throw around spaghetti, thanks to that no-good local Italian restaurant that caters. The worst food!!!!!

Believe it or not, I wasn’t there to push my own writing, even though I am the next big epic fantasy writer of all time. I’m a horse of many colors!!!! I was there in my role as the manager for Demonkitty, the next big epic demon and cat led musical act of all time!!!! Particularly to confront someone about a disagreement over a bale of hay.

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writintg is going.

I’m am still working away at my completely epic story that will be all things to all people, have magic, and battles, and love triangles, and also be under five hundred words.

Bevvy Hart has informed me that I have until the end of today to get my story finished so that it can be included in the microfiction anthology that our writing group is putting out. Because I am just so incredible with my attentiveness to words and do not waste a SINGLE ONE, I have been able to write something AMAZING. Every word is perfect. It was extremely hard to pull off, but I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I am the next big epic fantasy writer of all time and of course I have been up to the task. Not wasting any words!!!!!

But that’s not why I’m writing you. I’m writing you because I need to know how many words are in an hour. Tryxy and I agreed that you would probably know. You see, he’s been having a bit of a hard time.

Last week was his show outside the tractor haul and their set only lasted nineteen minutes!!!  And that was with their two new songs, Meow! and Meow Meow!, AND with the crowd pleasing barfing rainbows act!!!! The agreed upon artist fee was two baskets of curly fries and a bale of hay but that was for A HALF HOUR SHOW!!!!!

When Demonkitty couldn’t play for the full thirty minutes, the promoter gave them two soggy baskets of unseasoned curly fries and said he wouldn’t cough up the hay bale if I stuck a fork in him!!!! IT absolutely crushed Tryxy’s self esteem. I know that he may be four thousand or so years old, but he’s an adolescent demon!!! His brain’s not even fully developed!!!!! 

THERE WAS A LOT RIDING ON THAT BALE OF HAY, GALDSY!!!!!

Tryxy and I did the math, and even if we include ALL the meows in his songs, they have 750 words and that isn’t enough to fill the hour long set I booked for them next week at the bus stop!!!!!! If they don’t play a full hour, then they won’t receive the agreed upon artist’s fee of

I apologize for my extended absence from writing this email. Usually I tell you when I have to stop writing my emails and do something else, but I got an AWFUL text message from Bevvy Hart.

SHE CUT MY WORD COUNT DOWN TO TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY WORDS!!!!!!

I had to stop writing this email WRITE AWAY and go work on my story which has now been completely mauled by Bevvy’s miserly word count allowance!!!!!!

Hang on, Gladys, the tractor haul promoter is asking me to lower him a sponge soaked with water. PEOPLE ARE SO DEMANDING!!!!

But none of this is important write now because I need you to take a look at my new version of my story. I had to cut out a couple scenes with mushrooms, but otherwise, I managed to keep everything mostly the same.

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UNTITLED EPIC MICROFICTION

by Writer X

Orphan. Village. Old grandma. Prophecy. Cabbages. Troll Invasion. Where did grandma go? With the trolls! Adventure: GO!

Orphan girl: Beautiful. Rogue boy: Hot. Fangs for some reason. Knight boy: troubled. sexy dad bod. Oh look, they’re looking for grandma. Oh look, they don’t get along!

Suddenly: THRUPPLE. Whooo yeah.

Somehow an army. Knight boy joins but to avenge his sister’s death by killing commander. SO THAT’S WHY HE’S TROUBLED. Orphan girl and rogue boy: betrayed and abandoned. But enjoying extra space in bed roll.

KIDNAPPED BY TROLLS. Oh, there you are grandma! Grandma, why is your face gone? The rage! The horror! Suddenly magic powers activate! FLASH OF LIGHT! TROLLS: DECIMATED.

Knight boy sees light from yonder valley. Misses Orphan Girl and Rogue Boy ‘cause they give good lovin’. Commander knows prophecy. GO TO THE LIGHT, MEN!

Orphan Girl: What’s wrong with me? Why did I kill all those trolls? Who am I even anyway?

Rogue BOy: You’re a monster like me. That’s why Knight boy didn’t want us.

Orphan Girl: I have to keep believing.

Rogue Boy: Don’t stop believing. It’s what I love about you.

Orphan Girl: Grandma! You’re alive? But your face!

Army closes in. Want Orphan Girl’s power! Knight boy stalks Commander. Trolls descend. Epic Battle: GO!

Grandma screaming on the mountain. The words of the prophecy! The trolls are the good guys! No one’s listening! Knight boy stabs commander. Is stabbed too! Oh no! Will he die?

Stay tuned. Part Two next anthology. Read it!

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Well?? What do you think??? I keep feeling like it’s missing something. Maybe the mushrooms. Oh well, I just have to trust the fact that everything I write is brilliant and hit send!!!

Pages next week, Gladys!!!

xox,

X

DON’T

KNOW HOW

WE’LL HAVE

ENOUGH

SONGS FOR

NEXT WEEK

SHOW. BEING

FAMOUS

IS HARD.

FORTUNATELY

HAVE THIS

BALE OF

HAY TO

HOLD.

DON’T WANT

TO DO

COVERS.

DON’T

STOP

BELIEVING.