[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA.

NEW YEAR, NEW ME!!!

Hello, All! Melanie here.

I hope your New Year is off to a great start. My love and I visited friends in what was one of the best New Year’s we’ve had in a long time.

In true Writer X fashion, it seems she and her friends also celebrated with similar camaraderie and her New Year’s Resolutions started off with a bang.

Without further ado…

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Subject: The Biggletons & SOME LIGHT AUGURY

Dear Gladys,

I hope you are off to a productive and prosperous New Year, particularly with regard to decoding the arcane mysteries of your home owner’s insurance policy!!!! I drove by your neck of the woods today and noticed that the smokey tinge hanging over your neighborhood like a funeral pall had mostly, but not quite fully, dissolved.

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going and I have to say, I have been thinking a LOT about me and how amazing it is to be the next big epic fantasy writer of all time but, to be truthful Gladys, there are some things deep down inside that I feel I want to change.

FOrtunately for me, those changes will be on the way thanks to our New Year’s Eve celebration at your next door neighbors, the Biggletons. Do you know the Biggletons??? John and Leonard and their pet emu Terrence??? I suggest bringing them a little housewarming gift as soon as enough of the wreckage is cleared. Don’t be a bad neighbor, Galdsy!!!!!!

I have to tell you about the Biggletons and the New Year’s Eve ritual that is about to change EVERYTHING!!!!

It all started when I was checking out the new independent department store in town, Humperdink’s. They had a very nice selection of the highest quality New Hampshire designer clothes, all the haute couture you could possibly dream of in all of New England!!!! They have everything a high-fashion girl like me could want: insulated overalls in at least four shades of camouflage, patent leather-look waders, a full selection of fashionable fishing vests, bright orange lingerie to wear under your hunting gear so that you can be sexy while searching for baers, ubiquitous t-shirts that growl at you about freedom and/or motorcycles.

BUT I DIGRESS!!!! I was trying on a pair of patent leather-look waders in the dressing room and glimpsed myself in the mirror and was alarmed at what I saw. I could have sworn I was taller, thinner, and better looking!!!!! How could the next big epic fantasy writer of all time look like that in the mirror???? That’s when I knew the mirrors at Humperdink’s were broken and I marched out to speak to the manager!!!

Leonard Biggleton had beaten me to the punch!! There he was, standing with a pile of fireworks for his New Year’s Eve celebration, giving the manager a piece of his mind while brandishing a roman candle and saying, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS OF MICROWAVED LEAN CUISINES I HAVE ENDURED ONLY FOR YOUR MIRRORS TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY???!!!!”

To which the manager offered a wonderful brochure for a Body Acceptance Coach specializing in dismantling internalized fat-phobia with a fifteen percent off coupon tucked inside.

Long story short, Leonard invited me, #bestkitten, Tryxy, and my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, to their New Year’s Eve extravaganza. They have a fantastic tradition in which everyone lights a firework and makes a wish. The bigger the explosion, the more likely your wish at coming true!!!!

Tryxy wished that his band Demonkitty would take off and get a record deal without compromising his college career at Miskatonic Online University. We all wished together with him.

Then, he lit a Super Sizzler Fast Cracker and shot it into the night. It gave off a brilliant green burst but then went a little weird and slid across the sky and into the lake. All in all, we felt like it was a mostly positive omen.

My boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, made an undisclosed wish and lit a Whooper Whomper. It gave the best explosion of them all—if you’re content with a cascade of your ordinary fire works spray of blue and gold and red.

But Gladys, I’m am proud to tell you that, when I lit a WHO’S YOUR DADDY and wished to change in any way that made me the next big epic fantasy writer of all time FASTER, not only were the initial sparks promising, but when the firework got stuck in that old knob and tube wiring on your roof, the electrical fire that ensued and burned your house to cinders TOLD ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW!!!!

Big things are in store this year, Galdsy!! Big things indeed!!!

Gotta go!! I’m going to be late for my appointment at the Body Acceptance Coach. Fifteen percent off!!

Pages next week, Gladys. Happy New Year!!!

xox,

X

CAN’T BELIEVE

THIS, BUT

#BESTKITTEN

JUST TOLD

ME OUR

SONG

“NINEVAH

BURNS IN

MY SOUL”

IS PLAYING

ON THE

LOCAL COLLEGE

RADIO

STATION!