[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com. Wipe your feet before entering.]

The Neutral Ninja

Hello, All! Melanie here.

I could mention that I spent last week passing a kidney stone (fun fun fun) or that it’s my anniversary (yay!) But instead, I’m going to leave this here for your convenience. You may need it later.

Without further ado…

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Subject: I need new friends

Dear Gladys,

As a courtesy of our friendship, I am sending you an update on all the various developments in our happy household which YOU don’t live in.

Things are REALY looking up for Demonkitty!!!! Last night the UPS machine dropped off Tryxy’s REAL TRUE DRUM KIT!!!! Now we can use our pots and pans for making apple macaroni and cheese instead of as percussion kits like NORMAL PEOPLE. Tryxy has immediately gotten to work, you should see him. It’s like he’s on a musical honeymoon, rattling off drum fills, banging on the high hatty thing, and just GLOWING although I’ve asked him to please turn down his personal wattage because I was getting tan lines.

Also you may be pleased to discover that I had a vision the other night and, as a result of my incredible creative clairvoyance, I took a sharpie and designed Demonkitty’s BAND LOGO!!!!! Tryxy loves it!!!! Here it is

Isn’t it AMAZING??????? I took #bestkitten’s face and Tryxy’s teeth and PUT THEM TOGETHER!!!!!! And while R____ is now an official member of Demonkitty and I will be an official member sometime soon I’m sure, but the ORIGINAL members are Tryxy and #bestkitten. This is something that all the REAL fans of Demonkitty will know in the future.

Hang on. Tod Boadkins just texted me to ask if he’s seeing me tonight. I have to go last minute cancel our date again!!! Have to keep this man guessing!!!!!

xox,
X

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Subject: Re: I need new friends

Okay Gladys, I’m back.

While I’m very excited for Tryxy and #bestkitten, it has become apparent to me that I need new friends. I know that I am very mature and have very subtle emotions, Glayds, but I have not been happy with the way my current friends have handled the Fellowship I invited them to. Fellowships are supposed to work out perfectly. NO ONE HAS OFFICIALLY OFFERED THEIR SWORD OR THEIR AXE, GLADYS!!!!!1!

Even worse, I held another meeting at the Velvet Room in the library YESTERDAY and NO ONE CAME. Of course I sent out all the invitations by ESP five minutes before I called the meeting but you would think that someone would have made the effort!!!!!

I have taken some time and reflected on this and have come to realize the crux of the problem. My friends are all wrong. I’m not trying to get rid of them. They can’t help it that they aren’t as visionary as I had generously assumed them to be, but I definitely need some new ones. Tryxy’s amazing as always but I get the feeling he doesn’t really want to be in the fellowship and I guess that’s okay.

Remember that little black book you had when you were a famous hollywood producer??? I need you to send me ten or twenty names and numbers of new friends and I need you to do it NOW. I’ve already lost an entire TWO WEEKS wasting my time. I am the Chosen One Gladys!!! Dream Gaiman came to ME!!! And my friends don’t even realize what’s right in front of them.

I’m not picky. Some famous actors and models will do. Especially if they look like elves.

In the meanwhile, things are heating up fast in the romance department!!! I have last minute canceled on Tod Boadkins three times so far so things are moving right along. I’ve also spent plenty of time practicing changing my Facebook profile from single to “in a relationship with Tod Boadkins.” Once I accidentally changed it to married and tagged him just to see if it worked, but since he didn’t add me as his spouse I think Facebook must have been having tech issues.

My story pages are not moving. I ordered all these pencils and I still don’t have anything new. My robes and cloaks are helping me feel more like a fantasy writer (too many fantasy writers look like ordinary people, Gladys!!!!) but I am having a small problem with all the whiplash.

Have to go, Gladys! I have an appointment at the chiropractor since I threw my neck out after my ultralong pink Galadriel robes got caught in Mr. Morgan’s automatic doors when I was grocery shopping last week!!! Me and Mr. Morgan are in a heated legal battle again!!!!!

xox,
X

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Subject: My my my

Dear Gladys,

Well would you look at this???? Silverfox is finally coming to his senses. I know he SAYS he wants to talk to #bestkitten but I’m pretty sure that’s a typo.

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Fw: I’ve been thinking

Oops!!!! Forgot to forward!!!!

xox,
X

Begin forwarded message:

From: Silverfox Firepaw
Date: April 27, 2022 at 11:08 AM EDT
To: Writer X
Subject: I’ve been thinking

X,

I am still considering your little offer although I don’t think you will care for my answer.

Mind if I pop by tomorrow? I need to talk to #bestkitten before I share my thoughts.

in friendship,

fox

“writing is weaving real worlds from invisible threads”

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Subject: BUGRLAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

I’m shaking. Something terrible has happened.

The book burglar BORKE INTO MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!

Also, just because Silverfox is coming over to apologize tomorrow, it doesn’t mean I don’t want those actors and models!!!! Please send immediately.

If it weren’t for #bestkitten coming up for her midnight wedge of ham the burglar would have gotten in without a hitch!!!! Fortunately #bestkitten wants her ham wedge when she wants her ham wedge and apparently when she saw the burglar, he failed to pet her so she meowed the loudest meow that she has ever meowed and all of the glass in the kitchen shattered!!!!!

That’s what drew my attention to the fact that there was a burglar in our kitchen!!!!!! Fortunately my closet has been acting up more than usual and I couldn’t sleep. I was only in the next room over but the burglar didn’t know I was in the next room because you see I had already shot out all the lights for the evening. I had made my way down to make my midnight kettle corn and buffalo chicken chunky dunkers and had gotten as far as the dining room when I was knocked on my coccyx from #bestkitten’s extra loud alarm meow.

I scrambled to my feet and ran after the burglar shouting for Tryxy (who had fallen asleep in his abyss listening to Lil Nas X in his head phones so didn’t hear me.) We both skidded all over the kitchen glass and several times his feet got all tripped up in my robes. I ALMOST HAD HIM GLADYS!!!!! But the slippery bugger kept appearing and disappearing!!!!! He wore this confounded beige and off-white ninja suit so he matched with EVERYTHING!!!!!!! He’s like the Yacht Rock of Thieves!!!!!! Every time I tried to see him I just heard the blue-eyed soul sounds of Spandau Ballet!!!!!

I chased him all the way out into my backyard but then he completely disappeared against all the neutral tones of my evil neighbor A____’s new pop up gazebo and he was gone!!!!!

Oh look! Tod Boadkins just texted me asking me why I listed that we were married on Facebook. I knew he couldn’t resist!!!!

ANyways Gladys, when I went back in my house and checked my safe, my award-winning autographed copy of Robin McKinley’s The Hero and the Crown was GONE!!!!!!!!

The book burglar is now one step closer to unlocking the MAP that locates all the anti-horcruxes and my friends haven’t even formalized our FELLOWSHIP!!!!!!!!

To make matters worse, when Tryxy DID wake up he called DETECTIVE FISCHER AND NOW SHE’S ON THE WAY TO INVESTIGATE. This is bad, bad, bad!!!!!

Oh. There are all the red and blue lights.

I have to go gladys.

This is awful.

xox,
X

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Subject: YET ANOTHER BETRAYAL

Dear Gladys,

As you know from my midnight email last night, the Neutral Ninja has stolen my award-winning autographed copy of The Hero and the Crown.

He is now one critical step closer to beating me to all the anti-horcruxes and becoming the most famous and powerful fantasy writer in all of time and I haven’t even gotten ten new words written in my epic fantasy saga in spite of all the branded pencils I now own.

But fate has taken up her cruel baseball bat and banged on the lids of all my metal trashcans YET AGAIN.

The fellowship has betrayed me.

Silverfox came to talk to #bestkitten today and then he very quietly and respectfully came to see me and told me that he had spoken with Marjorie and also now with #bestkitten and they all agree that they will help me but not in the way I was asking. They are willing to combine our powers to locate the Neutral Ninja and return all the stolen autographed copies of the Pillars of Fantasy to their rightful owners. But they aren’t yet sold on helping with the anti-horcruxes especially since they may have deadly guardians, or not exist, OR finding them will give all of the power of writing fantasy to just one person, and putting a stop to the crime wave SEEMS MORE IMPORTANT.

SURE. GREAT!!!! JUST GET YOUR PRIORITIES OUT OF WACK WHY DON’T YOU?????

THIS ISN’T HOW FELLOWSHIPS WORK. WHAT DO THEY THINK THIS IS, A DEMOCRACY?

He then asked me very quietly and respectfully what my thoughts and feelings were on the matter and I couldn’t help it, Gladys. I had to tell him about how Dream Gaiman has come to me and has been helping me and that means that I’m the Chosen ONe and you know what he said?

He said, “Oh. Yeah, Dream Gaiman always comes to writers and helps them. It’s just how he is.”

DREAM GAIMAN HAS BEEN VISITING ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE’S DREAMS?????? He’s only supposed to visit mine!!!!! How else am I supposed to muster an inflated feeling of superiority that helps me battle through the hardship that is writing the NEXT BIG EPIC FANTASY SAGA OF ALL TIME!!!!!

And now I’m completely out of popcorn kernels because my kettle corn needs have gone THROUGH THE ROOF since last night!!!!

Oh would you look at that? My copy of The Hero and the Crown was behind the bottles of popcorn oil. I forgot I put it there!!!!!

I’ve foiled the Neutral Ninja this time, Gladys!!!!!! I can do this!!!!

And Tod Boadkins just texted me about our hot date tonight (although he keeps calling it a “meeting”, he’ll wake up, Gadys!!!!)

Oh, the wheels are turning yet again!!! Another email from Silverfox just came in. The Fellowship is gonna be ONNNNN!!!!!!

BRB. (That means be right back.)

xox,
X

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Fw: Meant to ask

OH NO GLADYS!!!!! WHAT DO I TELL TRYXY??????

I have to cancel with Tod Boadkins and take her to the vet IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!

Begin forwarded message:

From: Silverfox Firepaw

Date: April 28, 2022 at 2:17 PM EDT

To: Writer X

Subject: Meant to ask

X,

I meant to ask you when I was there earlier. Were you aware that #bestkitten is deaf? That may be why she has such a powerful set of lungs.

Have you given any thought to our proposal?

in friendship,

fox

“writing is weaving real worlds from invisible threads”

NOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOO

FIRST I BURNED

DOWN NINEVAH

AND NOW MY

DRUMMING HAS

MADE MY BEST

KITTEN DEAF