Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Thirty-First

[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com. Wipe your feet before entering.]

Sign Party

Hello All, Melanie here.

Have you ever had a friend who goes about things in the most contradictory, befuddling way—ways that would make anyone else look like a fool—but for the friend, it works?

Well, X has done it again. I have to say I’m surprised at the turn things are taking for her. It sounds like she has quite a bit going on to keep her mind off writing.

Which, in the scope of the writing universe, is normal.

Without further ado…


Fw: Ball’s in your court

Begin forwarded message:

From: Tod Boadkins

Date: May 5, 2022 at 7:03 PM EDT

To: Writer X

Subject: Ball’s in your court

X,

It looks like us getting together is not in the cards. As frustrating as that is, I don’t want to reschedule only to have it cancelled again so it looks like the ball is in your court.

Something you wrote in the email titled “CANCELLING!!!! CLOSET!!!!!” has had me curious. While I feel I may regret asking, what is going on with your closet?

I need you to understand that I do need my notes back. As friends, what can we work out between us so that you can at least share the contents of my notes with me?

This is the last outstanding piece of getting my life back on track since my brother locked me in my basement and impersonated me to the world. I hope you can understand that.

Let me know when you think we can get together so I can hear your side of things.

Regards,

TB


Fw: Re: Ball’s in your court

Begin forwarded message:

From: Tod Boadkins

Date: May 5, 2022 at 8:24 PM EDT

To: Writer X

Subject: Re: Ball’s in your court

X,

Sorry to hear that your closet is giving you so much grief and for so long. It sounds like something a little more intense than your average fantasy writer’s closet.

Whenever I’m getting ready to write a new book, the closet in my house become more active, too. It’s never so disruptive that disembodied voices talk in my living room or a woman shouts to be let out. It’s just your normal fantasy writer’s closet noises.

I’ve heard that keeping your closet free of storage items can help balance the portal energies that warp when you world build. Maybe you want to clean out your closet and see if that will help. But it sounds like your closet needs something more industrial. Have you tried calling the Society?

In response to your other question: Yes. I’d be happy to stop in for your sign installation ceremony tomorrow. Maybe we can talk about sharing the notes then.

Regards,

TB


Subject: CAUTION SIGN PARTY!!!!!!!

Dear Glayds,

As you can see I really have my hands full with Tod Boadkins. It’s obvious that his love for me is only deepening and becoming more impossible to deny. I told you last minute cancellations are the surefire way to take your romantic relationships to the next level!!!!!

I can’t write for long as I have to go to the glitter shop and get more purple glitter for the sign Tryxy and I are making. Purple is #bestkittens’ third favorite color. The sign has to be done by tomorrow Gladys!!!!!!

Speaking of tomorrow, I don’t know what to tell Tod Boadkins other than he’s never going to get his notes back. I was walking through the kitchen to take the notes down to Tryxy’s new photocopier in the basement when #bestkitten meowed and I jumped and the notes slipped out of my hand and slid under the fridge before I could stop them and this is just how life is now.

ANyways, I’m writing to invite you to our “Caution: Deaf Kitten at Play” Sign Installation Ceremony and Housewarming Party for #bestkitten tomorrow. Please come out and support #bestkitten!!!!! (And Tryxy!!!! He’s just now figuring out that he didn’t make #bestkitten deaf and that she’s supposed to be that way!!!!!) The event is semi-formal and we’re asking that you bring anchovies to pass.

Don’t wear pink!!!! I don’t want Tod Boadkins to get confused!!!!!!!

xox,
X


Subject: MAUVE IS NOT YOUR COLOR!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

It was nice to see you at #bestkitten’s party last night even though you WERE wearing a very slight shade of mauve. As you were saying, yes, we DO have a lot to get caught up on. For one, it was good to have the OLD Gladys back instead of this horrible Melanie that I’ve been having to deal with for the last nine months!!!!

I am a very different writer than I was when you last lived in your own body. I have seen darkness, Gladys. And hell. And Maine. I came very close to selling my first book to Random Haus before they issued the restraining order. And, as you could tell from the way Tod Boadkins was making eyes at me last night and kept trying to change to subject to talk about his missing notes, I am very close to getting married and becoming a fantasy writer POWER COUPLE!!!!!

(If it weren’t for his adorable beard I would have to give him the silent treatment for forever after mentioning The SOCIETY!!!!!!)

That all said, the darkness has definitely changed me. I really need you to look at all the versions of the story that I’ve sent you in the last year and tell me which one you like best BUT ONLY AFTER YOU’VE READ THEM ALL!!!!

Aside from that, I’ve been temporarily on hiatus from writing to focus on #bestkitten’s vet and therapy appointments, Tryxy’s therapy appointments, and getting enough glitter for our Caution: Deaf Kitten at Play sign. You’d be surprised to know how hard it is to find a vat of glitter, Gladys. You’d think it was something that everyone would just keep stocked but NO. People have no survival instincts!!!!! I’ve even had to temporarily postpone any Fellowship meetings until next week!!!!

Btw, (that means by the way) you’re invited to the Fellowship meeting next week even though you haven’t come to any of the other meetings. It will be on Thursday at 12 in the usual place (the Velvet Room at the Library) and we will be discussing how I’m the Chosen One.

In the meanwhile I’m going to hold off working on my story until after you read all the versions I’ve sent you and tell me which one is my story. Then, I’ll work on that version even though I probably will take a little bit from each version and blend them all together. If I had the anti-horcruxes this would all be much easier!!!!

Now that our neighborhood knows that there is a deaf kitten at play and all of #bestkitten’s noisy toys have been replaced with shiny toys, I definitely have other things to think about!!!

More importantly, what do you think of this wedding dress for when Tod Boadkins and I get married???? Are there enough ruffles???? Do you think it should be more neon????

xox,
X


Fw: Putting myself out there

I told you, Gladys!!!!!!

xox,
X

P.S. He’s not getting those notes back. I told you once they’re the fridge they’re under the fridge forever!!!!

Begin forwarded message:

From: Tod Boadkins

Date: May 7, 2022 at 9:08 PM EDT

To: Writer X

Subject: Putting myself out there

X,

Alright. You got me.

I told you the ball was in your court, but I can see I might have to look like a fool on this one.

Since my ex-wife left me, I’ve tried to stay away from this kind of thing. I don’t know what it is, but I keep thinking about you. I’m not sure if I’m attracted to you, or if I’m just really confused about you staking out in my house for two to four weeks and foiling my brother’s plans while raiding my secret room. Or if I just need therapy.

It occurred to me that maybe the reason you keep finding other things to do is because I’m not putting enough on the table.

Let me take you out to dinner.

We can talk about our closets.

Best,

TB

ONE THING

ABOUT

LIVING

A HUMAN

LIFE:

YOU HAVE
TO LET GO
OF WHAT YOU
CAN’T

CONTROL.

AND YOU
CAN’T

BLAME

YOURSELF FOR
EVERYTHING.

DON’T LIKE

THAT PART.

DEMONIC

POWERS

ARE MUCH

EASIER.

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