Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Twenty-Fifth

[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com. Wipe your feet before entering.]

SPIES!

Hello All, Melanie here.

Like a number of writers, I have ADHD. While I’m not sure how brilliant it makes me, it has given me my fair share of hastily sent submissions that I later feel dumb about. Just how many? I’d prefer not to say. I like to think it builds character by way of killing any shred of dignity to which I might be clinging.

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to buy a DemonKitty t-shirt whenever they’re ready to sell them. #TakeMyMoney

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’m going to insert links into some of her emails and let you know which ones I inserted. She’s included a link in this week’s emails, and I’ve gone ahead and inserted two others to previous fits that events correspond with.

I hope you’re off to a promising week. May your days be full of sent emails that are completely free of typos, grammatical errors, and things which you realize — on fourth reading — sound insulting.

Without further ado…


Subject: Getting to the Bottom of Things

Dear Gladys,

I have come up with a list of three possible reasons that I—a perfectly sane and reasonable person who is NOT prone to delusion—sent my unfinished novel out to seventeen or so publishers last week and quit my perfectly good job selling custom tractors on commission.

1.) Sleeplessness: a caffeine IV is no substitute for the 5 or 6 nights of sleep a person can sacrifice to finish their book.

2.) Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder: apparently this is condition that affects a number of the most brilliant minds and causes writers to submit a half-finished unsolicited draft directly to the emails of the world’s best fantasy editors.

3.) My Evil Neighbor A____ has hexed me with a new hex she bought from the Mantra Shop.

OBVIOUSLY one of these possibilities stands head and shoulders above the others.

Oh, by the way, before I forget! Are you coming to the Neil Gaiman reading on Monday night????? You CAN’T MISS IT!!!!! It’s a cosplay event. R___ is coming. He’s going as the Marquis de Carabas. Tryxy is going as Cogliostro and #bestkitten is cosplaying Coraline. I’m thinking I’ll go as Death but in PINK. You should definitely come. Here is a link to the event. https://www.townofcradensburg.com/author-neil-gaiman-is-lured-to-town-green-for-a-reading

Anywidget, I’ve been very stressed sorting out this whole “sending an unfinished manuscript to seventeen publishers” thing. I’m very much looking forward to talking to Neil Gaiman at the event because I’m sure he could tell me a story about him having done the exact same thing. It seems like the kind of thing very famous authors do early in their careers and then laugh about it later.

Only I’m not laughing.

I know my evil neighbor A____ is up to something!!!!

Hang on. I have to put in my earplugs because Tryxy and #bestkitten have started band practice. Tryxy hasn’t bought a real drum kit yet and so he’s using all my pots and pans to make mad beatz right now and whenever he wallops the canning kettle with the ladle I feel my eardrums die a little.

The only positive thing I have in my life right now is that Tryxy seems to be doing a lot better. He said he’s made peace with the fact that the demonic authorities will be sure to find him and throw him back into the Void of Ashiput, but he aims to leave an artistic legacy for this world before he goes. But you know what? If they throw him into the Void of Ashiput I’ll just summon him out again!!!! I told him this and he just patted my hand and gave me a sad smile.

In the meanwhile, I’ve been too stressed to write. Random Haus has filed a restraining order against me since I drove to NYC last week and hang-glided into their conference—hang on, Gladys. It’s getting very hard for me to concentrate on my computer screen with all these police lights whirling outside my living room window!!!!! I need to go out and tell them to turn them o


Subject: THE NERVE OF THAT WOMAN!!!!1

Dear Gladys,

I’m sorry for the way my last email ended. I accidentally hit send when I was getting up to give the police squad a piece of my mind.

Anywiggle, you will never believe who was just banging on my front door!!!! The local Detective!!!!! I have never met her before but I’ll tell you what, the only thing I like about her is that she’s got ombre pink hair!!!! At least I think the ombre is pink. It was hard to tell WITH ALL THE RED WHIRLING LIGHTS!!! She spent at least ten minutes whispering at me until I remembered to take out my ear plugs and then she talked too loud and accused ME of yelling!!!!

Right now, I am FIT to be tied!!! I don’t know how I’m supposed to focus on my writing. As it is, I have had to find other activities to keep me occupied as I recover from the fiasco of last week.

In other news, remember all those night vision goggles and binoculars I bought when I was getting to the bottom of the Tod Boadkins mystery??? I found a new use for them!!!!

It turns out that there is nothing more soothing to a writer’s soul than spying on your neighbors. In fact, I should probably go right now and see what my evil neighbor A____ is doing since she called the cops on me!!!!

For the record, Gladys, as I already told Detective Fischer, I did NOT steal A___’s precious autographed copy of The Elfstones of Shannara from her house!!!!! Or any of the other missing autographed seminal fantasy books across town!!!! I don’t know WHY A___ would accuse me of such a thing!!!!

Anywomp, she’s usually in her dining room at this hour scrolling through facebook and I have a clear shot to seeing her from my kitchen window so I’d better go. I know she hexed me!!! I found receipts from the Mantra Shop in her trash cans!!!!

Are you coming to the Neil Gaiman reading???? I wonder if he’ll recognize me.

xox,
X


Subject: SPIES!!!!!

Gladys!!!!

Remember when you were an Operations Officer for the CIA??? Can I borrow your parabolic dish??? I’m in urgent need of it right now. I need to do more than just watch people, certain situations have arisen that make it clear to me that my sending my unfinished draft to seventeen publishers last week (seven before I emailed you and ten after just to make sure my email was working) is the work of a grand conspiracy!!!!

Let me tell you what I just saw.

1.) I looked in my evil neighbor A___’s dining room window and she wasn’t there!!!! Instead, she was looking in my living room window from her upstairs bathroom window with her own set of binoculars!!!!!

2.) While looking for other locations to spy on evil neighbor A___, I looked out my front window and happened to find Tod Boadkins (the real Tod Boadkins) parked in a car about a quarter mile up the road watching me with his own set of binoculars!!!!

3.) Ms. B___ (my annoying neighbor up the street) is resurrecting the up cycled wine bottle water fountain that I demolished with my car last Hogswatch. That was probably the best favor I’ve ever did for her!!! I warned her about that water fountain in my palm reading. Now our neighborhood will die in a swath of flames thanks to her outdoor decorative choices.

4.) Even FURTHER up the road behind Tod Boadkins I spied BRIAN FROM THE SOCIETY with a new STUPID HAT exactly like the old one and a set of long range binoculars pointed DIRECTLY AT ME!!!! When he saw me watching him, he ran away.

Gladys, I’m going to need your parabolic dish and possibly a long range microphone. I need to know what my evil neighbor A____ is planning—Hang on.

That’s Tod Boadkins texting me.

He says he knows I spotted him but before I call the cops, he’s got an offer for me that will change my writing life forever.

Call the cops??? I was going to knife his tires!!!!

xox,
X

P.S. Please text me and let me know if you’re coming to the Neil Gaiman reading!!! I want to read you my pages!!!! KEEP IN MIND THAT THEY ARE UNFINISHED, GLADYS!!!!!

P.P.S. Despite the fact that my story is unfinished, don’t you think the publishers should have been much more excited about what I sent them? I haven’t heard from anybody except for the Random Haus server who gave me the restraining order.

COLLABORATING

WITH

#BESTKITTEN

ON FIRST

DEMONKITTY

SINGLE

“NINEVAH BURNS

IN MY SOUL”

FIRST VERSE:

WAS A FRIDAY NIGHT *MEW*

I WAS FEELING RIGHT

IT WAS 3509 BC *MEW*

HOW WAS I TO KNOW

THAT A LITTLE SMOKE

WOULD LIGHT A FIRE AND

CHANGE *MEW* THE COURSE *MEW*

OF *MEW* HISTORY?

CHORUS:

AND NOW NINEVAH

(YEAH, NINEVAH) *MEOOW*

BURNS IN MY SOUL

*MRRROW?*

YES, NINEVAH

(YOU HEARD IT, NINEVAH) *MEW*

BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNNNNNSSSSS

IN MY *BRRRRR?* SOUUUUUUUUL

*MEW!*

2 thoughts on “Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Twenty-Fifth

  1. After serious consideration, I do believe that every demonic death-metal band should collaborate with a kitten.

    Mew.

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