Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Forty-Third

[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com. Wipe your feet before entering.]

MYSTERIOUS PACKAGE

Hello All, Melanie here!

LET THE GIVEAWAY COMMENCE!

I’m not sure if you saw but, last week, Tryxy told us that he was sending a present of some sort or other to…well, you.

Today I drove up to Vermont to take the kids to visit family and, when we got home, a nondescript white cardboard box was sitting on our front step. I thought perhaps Fedex had come by while we were away and left something at the wrong house. The only thing was, there was no shipping label. The box wasn’t even taped.

This is what was inside.

Somehow, some way, Tryxy has kindly sent a small assortment of stuff from Cradensburg addressed to “The Filers” from across realities. He may have a future as a courier service. With one year of Writer X under our belts, this couldn’t come at a better time.

Which is why we’re going to do a giveaway! This stuff definitely isn’t meant for me only.

Keep your eye on File 770 for more information on how to get a care package of stuff from Tryxy. Supplies will be necessarily limited and I still have to work out some of the details, but this is great stuff.

Writer X has also emailed me. She’s back to the grind, ready to fulfill her dream of becoming the next big epic fantasy writer of all time while taking an unusual way of going about it.

Without further ado…


Subject: DEMONIC AUTHORITIES RUIN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

How is Paraguay? That’s great. That’s really great.

Gladys, I need to talk you about the condition of your house, namely where your walls are in your living room. Or where they are now. I’m sure you will be nothing but a GRACIOUS HOST when we get down to the details.

But first, I’m sure you are dying to know about how everything is going WITH MY WRITING!!!!

Things would be going a lot better if it weren’t that Tryxy can’t GO TO WORK!!!! As you may know, there are demonic authorities now on the prowl through Cradensburg looking for TRYXY thanks to that huge vortex that appeared over the tractor shop!!!! This is really cramping my writing time. Since they’re looking for Tryxy, he can’t sell custom tractors and selling custom tractors is one of his main creative outlets!!!!!

His OTHER creative outlet is playing drums in his band Demonkitty, but his drum kit is in our basement and his electronic drum kit is still in his demonic yurt which we accidentally forgot in WRITERIA. As a result, Tryxy is very anxious and we are both going a little stir crazy here at your house but NOT TO WORRY GLADYS, WE’VE COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS!!!!! Tryxy has discovered that he really enjoys re-decorating houses and building post-apocalyptic forts. I think we could start a side career of designing rooms for HGTV!!!!!

Hang on, my protege R____ has been texting me with updates about the Demonic Authorities. BRB. (That means “Be Right back.”)

Okay, I’m back. Well, it’s a good thing we’re hiding out at your place Galdys!!!! Apparently there have been two demonic authorities with super long fangs, suspiciously even tans, teal flip flops, monotone bermuda shorts, and leather fanny packs knocking on our door EVERY DAY!!!!!! THEY KNOW WHERE WE LIVE!!!!! THEY’RE NOT TAKING TRYXY FROM ME!!!!!!

Anyhump, as I was saying about my WRITING. After my vacation, I am feeling MUCH better about becoming a famous fantasy writer by this Decmeber. With my first book unfinished and all Tod Boadkins’ blathering about using an OUTLINE, I was really starting to feel like I don’t know how to write and like I]]will NEVER EVER GET A BOOK FINISHED!!!!!

I was getting REALLY stuck GLADYS!!!! I couldn’t figure out what my book was about and then I went an INVENTED A WHOLE NEW GENRE called Modern City Fantasy. There was A LOT on my shoulders!!!!! You have NO idea how much work writing is, Gladys!!!!! This is fortunate for YOU!!!!

Then, I realized that my problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what my story was about or how to write a story, or what CHEKOV’S GUN IS, or what a story actually is, or what even happens next!!!! I realized that I would KNOW ALL THOSE THINGS IF I WAS WRITING THE RIGHT STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My problem was I was writing the WRONG STORY!!!!!!!

Not to mention, I made too many changes. I started it over again a bunch of times in many different genres. First, I wrote it in “General epic fantasy” then I switched to Grim Dark, then I INVENTED a whoel NEW GENRE and I restarted Fenchin’s story maybe two or ten or fifty-six times.

Hang on, Gladys, it’s gotten very noisy outside. That weird dark vortex cloud has suddenly spread over the entire Cradensburg area and there’s this unearthly wind rattling every window in this house and howling down the chimney. I have to go open the windows. It’ll help the new paint dry.

Anyhornch, I’m not going to be able to send you a very long email with this otherworldly gale FILLING THE HOUSE!!!! Something just shattered. Don’t worry, it was just the photo from when you went on that date with Kevin Costner. It wasn’t your best side.

Oh, Tryxy says that he sent you a care package across realities. He said he won’t be able to send you a note today because he shouldn’t use his demonic wifi with the authorities out looking for him. They are REALLY cramping our style, Gladys!!!!

But let’s talk about my NEW STORY!!!!! I’m so excited to send you some new pages!!!!!!

As soon as I write them!!!!! This is gong to be amzing. You will ABSOLUTELY love it. I don’t have any idea what’s it’s about but I DO know what everyone is wearing and that it’ll be like the PRincess Bride.

Hang on, that’s Tod Boadkins’ calling me. He’s coming over with takeout from Fish! Fish! Fish! and I’m going to talk to him about my new story even though he wants to play some D & D in order to plot his next story.

Whewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My laptop just flew off my lap with all these unearthly winds!!!!!!!

I just have one small problem with my new story. I need it to be done right away. Tod Boadkins has come home and started writing a sequel to his book, Broken Tides, and I can’t have him write TWO BOOKS WHEN I STILL HAVEN’T WRITTEN ONE!!!!!!

And now I’m starting to panic because if I stop to learn about writing or what writing is or how to write a novel, THEN I WON’T BE WRITING A NOVEL AND I WON’T BE FABMOUS BY DECEMBET. Plus, I won’t feel like a protege!!!!!

I HAVE TO BEAT HIM, GLADYS!!!!! WRITING IS A COMPETITION!!!!!!

BTW Gladys, your living room walls have now been incorporated into an outdoor fortification that Tryxy and I built to keep out the Demonic Authorities. So is your satellite dish, bidet, and that giant movie theatre screen you keep in your basement entertainment area. #bestkitten has taken over your refrigerator. She likes to be high up and look down on everyone. I think it’s her royal blood.

Anyhiccup, this story is going to be amazing as soon as I know what it’s about!! This time, instead of getting stuck, I know I’m going to be able to write this straight to the end!!!!! It’s probably not going to be nine books. It’ll probably only be five, but I think I’ll just keep writing books int he series like it’s the Dresden Files or something because people are going to LOSE THEIR MINDS OVER THIS SERIES!!!!!!! I can already imagine the artwork hanging in BAM! And I can even sort of see the title if I squint with my mind!!!! It’s a little blurry.

Looks kinda like it says Cattle King.

Maybe that’s not it. I must have imagined someone else’s fantasy artwork and title.

Oh.

Your TV just came on. And the movie theatre that’s now permanently part of our anti-demon fortifications just came on, too. So did your computer.

There’s a big loudspeaker voice broadcasting from all the screens and speakers in your house, but I can hear it outside and down the hill, too!!!! It must be all across Cradensburg right now!!!!

It’s saying

Huh. That’s interesting. EHPKTRYX. That’s almost like Tryxy’s real name.

This is ridiculously loud. How am I supposed to talk to you about my new story??????? I’m supposed to get a good three hours of staring at the wall in this evening in preparation to write my new book!!!!!

Anyhibble, Gotta go, Gladys!!!!! Tryxy’s phone is ringing, which is incredible since its battery was dead. Also, he’s looking very pale. Even for a nearly invisible demon.

More on my new book next week!!!!!

xox,

X

P.S. You’re still sworn to secrecy about MODERN CITY FANTASY GLADSY!!!! JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT WORKING ON IT RIGHT NOW DOESN’T MEAN IT ISN”T MY IDEA!!!!!!

P.P.S. Your insurance adjusters came by this morning re: the anti-demon fortifications we built outside. They’re saying that you’re liable for any person that gets crushed while walking in the vicinity of the anti-demon wall. I TOLD THEM IT’S SUPPOSED TO CRUSH DEMONS, GLADYS!!!!! IT’S A CRUSHING WALL.

P.P.P.S. I wonder how the demonic authorities use that broadcast system. I need that for when Tod Boadkins’ ignores my calls.

3 thoughts on “Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Forty-Third

  1. That’s a really good question, Cassy. I was wondering similarly. I thought he was somewhere between four and five thousand years old which, according to him, puts him in the adolescent “puberty” bracket age for demons.

  2. You know you are in trouble when your middle name(s) get used. I’m not sure if I’m charmed or worried to find this rule holds true for demons as well.

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