[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA.]

THE BOXING GLOVES MYSTERY

Hello, All! Melanie here.

When we last left our heroes, Tryxy the demon and his bandmate #bestkitten were booked to play a show at Paul Revere Preschool & Craft Brewery in Boston. There were threats of Cthulhu cultists, talent abductions, misguided GPS directions, and even a ghoul attack, but DemonKitty put on a great show regardless! The band is starting to go places, which Tryxy’s always wished for. 

This gig was made possible by Arnold Rolfson, an A&R rep whose selfishness makes Writer X want to protect her BFF Tryxy’s feelings with violence.

But here’s the twist, last week Tod Boadkins, Writer X’s boyfriend, promised her a “special romantic present” if she could refrain from violence for a whole week. And guess what? She did it! A surprising success, indeed.

I didn’t think she’d make it. Since she’s been working hard to lose weight, X has been punchier than usual. I don’t blame her. Nothing fuels the temper like eating fewer carbs.

Without further ado…

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Subject: TOURIST SEASON!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

I don’t know how I’m supposed to focus on being the next big epic fantasy writer of all time when spring tourist season is already upon us!!!!

Sure, New Hampshire is a rugged and beautiful land of pristine lakes, angry sasquatches, vengeful ski slopes, and haunted antiques, but why do people from the state-south-of-us-that-shall-not-be-named insist on coming up here and MASS-ing everything up????

It all started when we got back from Boston last week. I needed to focus on next moves for getting DemonKitty out to the world. I also discovered I gained three pounds from when I accidentally drank a guzzler mug full of movie theater butter.

Nothing makes me focus like a good power walk in a new location so I started going down to Tatoskok lake to walk the new paved path on the shore line.

I was getting on some speed when I passed the cabins and that’s when I met that gosh darn kangaroo!!!!!! Don’t you hate it when Franklin Park Zoo lets its animals out on vacation???? Some of those animals are used to being in the spotlight and they have no idea how to interface with the rest of us mere mortals!!!!

Anyhoo, this kangaroo hops out of the larger cabin with a margarita in his paw and starts sucking it through a straw and watching me as I went by with a bored, amused expression on his face.

I was just a couple feet away when he says, “That’s a lot of pink for someone no one wants to look at. Spandex isn’t everyone’s friend.”

It took a second for me to understand him because of his accent and then another whole second for me to realize HE WAQS TALKING TO ME!!!!!

Now Gladys, I bet you probably think that all kangaroos have Australian accents but that’s just an example of stereotyping a species. This kangaroo definitely sounded like he was from the bronx.

I was so upset, I couldn’t concentrate, but I also couldn’t clobber him because I promised my boyfrriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, that I wouldn’t get violent for a whole week and I still had two days to go thanks to a minor setback with a loud cellphone talker in the library.

But I went the next morning hoping for some peace and quiet so that I could create a masterplan for DemonKitty and it was like that kangaroo was waiting at the door watching for me to come!!!!!

“Nice hair curlers. Goes with your huffy puffy look. In fact, that’s what I’ll call ya. Liddle miss Huffy Puffy. How ya doin Miss Huffy Puffy?”

I stopped and shook my fist at him but without the ability to follow it up, it only made him double over laughing at me. You should never get into a bare knuckle fist fight with a kangaroo for obvious reasons, everyone knows that.

Fortunately for me, my week is up!!!! And I woke up to this text message from my boyfriend.

As soon as I figure out how to get my foot out of this tub of diaper wipes, I’m going to run downstairs and open it!!!!!! Everyone knows you shouldn’t attempt going down a set of stairs with a tub of diaper wipes on your foot.

Safety first, Galdsy!!!!!!!!

xox,

X

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Subject: SWEET REVENGE!!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

Well, I know my boyfriend loves me!!!! Because when I finally got my foot free of those diaper wipes I opened up my special present and found these beauties waiting for me!!!!

How did he know I needed a pair of hot pink boxing gloves?????? It’s like he’s psychic or something, but I know he isn’t because he doesn’t have a certificate like I do.

I instantly texted him and let him know I got his gift and that I was going to put them to immediate use!!!!!

As soon as I finish lacing these up, I’m off to Tatoskok Lake. Let’s see if that bully kangaroo can back up his mouth!!!!!!

This will get me all fired up for our DemonKitty band meeting this evening!!!

xox,

X

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Subject: THaT sliPpPEry KAGNAROO!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

it’s been several days since I’ve got my brand new boxing gloves and I haven’t even been able to use them!!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. I’ll have you know I’ve been writing haiku. I’m a well rounded writer. Not everyone can write haiku, you need five syllables, then seven syllables, then five syllables. Even I came to the art accidentally. My first one I wrote this morning when I discovered a haiku hidden in my shopping list. Most of my haiku are “found poetry.” Here’s the one I wrote this morning.

Fat Free Half And Half
Low Calorie Rice Cakes
Vat of Rocky Road

We have had a few productive meetings about DemonKitty’s future. They’ve been booked for a music festival, but what Tryxy and #bestkitten want to do is figure out how we can get more gigs both in and out of New Hampshire using the music festival booking as a way of proving they’re an in-demand band.

First, we decided we needed a way of letting people know that they’re even playing the music festival. Or any show at all. Other than flyers.

Then, we realized that probably we should focus on making people know that the band exists. We came to the conclusion that we need an OFFICIAL DEMONKITTY WEBSITE. After all, this isn’t just a hobby anymore. DemonKitty are professionals!!!!!!!

The only problem is the webdesigner costs real money and so far DemonKitty has only been paid in t-shirts and soggy, unseasoned curly fries so we’re working with a very low budget.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS STUPID KANGAROO!!!!!

Whenever I have my boxing gloves on, I can’t find him!!!!! The first time I went with my gloves, he came out, sucked on his margarita and watched me coming toward him.

“Would you look who’s here? It’s liddle miss huffy puffy. How you doing liddle miss huffy puffy?” And then I got close enough and he saw I was laced and ready to go with a boxing glove on each fist!!!!

“Ah shit,” he said. And then he hopped into his cabin and locked the door!!!!!

No matter what I do, if I don’t have my boxing gloves on, he’s picks on me. If I do have my boxing gloves on, he runs into his house!!!!!

I’ve taken to stashing the gloves in a few different locations so that I can whip them out real fast and lay some hurtin’ on that kanga!!!!!!

In the meanwhile, my boyfriend has been acting very strange since I opened my present. He keeps asking me what my answer is and if the present he gave me gives me any thoughts about us. ???? I keep telling him that I’m very thankful for the present but I am completely focused on the kangaroo right now!!!!!!

I don’t know why he’s upset, I use them every day!!!!!!

xox,

X

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Subject: WEBSITE DESIGN!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

We figured out what to do about the website budget!!!!! I found a free webbuilder service called crappy.web!!!!! At crappy.web, you can design your own professional looking website without having to pay someone who actually knows what they’re doing!!!!!!! I’m going to build demonkitty’s website!!!!!!

Also: i snuck out to the lake last night and while that evil kangaroo was busy partying on his back deck with a couple of sloths and an extremely loud life coach, I slid my boxing gloves into his bushes!!!!!

Just wait til morning!!!!!!

xox,

X

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Subject: WHY IS MY BOYFRIEND SO MAD?????

Dear Gladys,

I can’t believe I’m writing you this email from Lake Tatoskok in the middle of the night. My boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, got SUPER upset tonight when I came home without my boxing gloves.

At first I thought he was angry that I’m planning to fight that kangaroo, but when he found out the kangaroo calls me Liddle Miss Huffy Puffy, he completely agreed that that kangaroo needs to get clocked!!!!

But he was angry that I left them in the bushes especially since the boxing gloves were “so expensive.” I told him that I would replace the boxing gloves if they went missing and that didn’t console him AT ALL.

So now I’m out here at the lake and the lake monster is making super loud growly noises that keeps creeping me out and I’m digging around in the bushes looking for my gloves because my boyfriend said, “It’s not the gloves, it’s what’s inside the gloves!”

I’m pretty sure I just stepped in wet poison ivy.

Okay I’ve got ‘em!!!! I’m just going to dig one hand around inside and…

oh, there’s something in there.

it’s kinda small and hard.

and cirvular.

It’s a ring. With a white metal band and a pink stone.

Gladys, why would there be a ring with a pink stone in my boxing gloves. Why would my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, give me a ring???

…OH MY GOD!!!!!

xox,

X

sent from my iPhone

DON’T

WORRY. THAT

KANGAROO

WON’T

GET AWAY

WITH

BULLYING

MY BEST

FRIEND. YOU

KNOW HOW

EMBARRASSING

IT IS

WHEN YOU

HAVE A

PAIR OF

SNEAKERS

AND THEY

MAKE NOISES?

PERMA-HEXED HIS

LEFT FOOT.

NOW WHEN

HE PUTS

HIS PAW

DOWN, HIS

FOOT

SQUEAKS

LIKE A

DYING

DOG TOY.