Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Hundred & Tenth

A dark forest sits beneath a starry sky. Creepy black goo drips over the scene. Whimsical white letters read: “Fit the Hundred & Tenth: Paul Revere Preschool & Craft brewery.”

[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA.]


Hello, All! Melanie here.

In previous weeks, our friend Writer X has thrown herself into boosting the music career of her BFF and high-ranking teenage demon Tryxy. When last we heard from them, the band DemonKitty (a band consisting of Tryxy and his adorable cat #bestkitten) had the opportunity to travel to Boston to perform for an A & R rep at a music label.

This is an exciting opportunity for any band, but the music industry is a lot like the publishing industry; it delivers highs and lows, sometimes simultaneously.

Tryxy and #bestkitten’s hopes were dashed when they learned that Arnold Rolfson had no interest in their band but was looking for talented musicians to play his original music.

It wasn’t all bad. Arnold Rolfson later extended the opportunity for DemonKitty to come back to Boston and play for a local preschool. My old music mentor used to tell me, “No matter what happens, always play the gig.”

Without further ado…

Subject: DemonKitty is Shipping up to Boston!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

No one was expecting the ghoul attack. In fact, we spent most of the day worried about how DemonKitty’s show at Paul Revere Preschool & Craft Brewery in Boston was going to go. No matter what we were worried about, it turns out we were worried about the wrong thing.

It all started two weeks ago when I got an unexpected text from Arnold Rolfson, the A & R rep for the Yankee’s Suck Label, asking if DemonKitty would be up for opening for local Boston band The Womp Rats at a preschool.

I don’t trust that Arnold Rolfson, Gladys. Not as far as I can throw him. And I’ve been power-walking with weights so I’m pretty sure that’s at least three or four feet. Not that my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, will let me test that theory!!!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. Lately, I haven’t been writing much fiction, but I have been writing in my journal a lot and doing this thing I call Word Vomit. Basically, I set my timer for twenty minutes and I write EVERYTHING that comes to my mind whether or not it makes sense. So basically it’s like an email.

Back to the Preschool show!!!

So Tryxy was really excited that Arnold Rolfson invited DemonKitty to open up for The Womp Rats. After all, it would be DemonKitty’s very first show NOT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE!!! And when we were in Boston two weeks ago, we drove by a methadone clinic where we saw an elder god administering medication to someone wearing a Womp Rats t-shirt, so this band is FAMOUS!!!!!!

Personally, I was worried about the venue. Arnold Rolfson stressed me out talking about how DemonKitty has to bring their A game.

He said: “These are very discerning three-year olds. They’re tired of Baby Shark. They want something even more distilled. I just so happen to have written a song that I know would kill it for DemonKitty and, if you ask nicely, I’ll let them play one of my originals.”

I was very stressed out. How was I going to keep from sporking Arnold Rolfson in the ear if he keeps trying to bogart DemonKitty for his own stupid music?? And how was DemonKitty supposed to play for a bunch of discerning preschoolers??? DemonKitty’s music isn’t for everyone. It’s only for the most sophisticated and artistic of listeners like myself.

But Tryxy wasn’t worried. “Half of our songs are just meowing, and we have a cat in the band, and we vomit rainbows at the end. If that doesn’t win preschoolers over, nothing will.”

It turns out, I was entirely worried about the wrong thing, and I’m not talking about the Cthulhu Cultist Parade that was all over the news that morning because Boston officials issued a Cthulhu Manifestation Advisory.

We drove down to Boston and dropped my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, off at the John Quincy Adams High School & Cannabis Dispensary because he was asked to host a writing workshop for teens this week. Then, we set off to Paul Revere Preschool & Craft Brewery but GPS accidentally rerouted us to Abigail Adams Middle School & Vape Supply Warehouse.

Tryxy was clutching his knees with anxiety. We had lost an ENTIRE hour with the GPS accident and he was sure we were going to get to the school late and make a very bad impression on the Womp Rats. He had bought a Womp Rats t-shirt for them to sign. Then, to make matters worse, we couldn’t find parking ANYWHERE NEAR THE SCHOOL.

It turns out, there was nothing we could do about the Womp Rats. The second I drove through the gym doors and parked on the indoor play gym, Arnold Rolfson came up to us and told us that the Womp Rats were threatening not to play because they were unhappy he had booked DemonKitty as their opening act.

It turns out The Womp Rats had requested a band called “Lieger Tiger” to open for them. Apparently Lieger Tiger is a high brow free form jazz act that uses only bear horns and fingernails on chalkboards for all their sounds. The Womp Rats thought that if a “bunch of nobodies like a demon and a cat” opened for them, that they’ll stop pulling in better venues.

That was CRUSHING. And when I saw the look on Tryxy’s face, I very nearly kidnapped all three members of the Womp Rats and tied them up in an industrial trash compactor where they  could be crushed for crushing my BFF, but my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, promised me that if I refrain from hurting anyone for a full week, he’s got a romantic surprise for me!!!!

Anyhoo, we muscled through the situation and started setting up Tryxy’s drum kit when the preschool administrator came running into the gym saying that students were being kept in their classes until the Cthulhu Cultist Parade passed by and we could be reasonably assured that the kids wouldn’t be eaten by a god-monster before the busses came.

I don’t know why Boston gets so up in arms about Cthulhu. Everyone knows that Cthulhu rarely attacks Suffolk County. IT’S ESSEX THAT HAS TO WATCH OUT!!!!!

THEN, it turns out the school had to delay the show even more because, after the Cthulhu cultists passed, it was time for the children to attend some special Touch and See craft activity called “How to Grow a Callous on Your Liver and a Chip on Your Shoulder For Young Bostonians.”

So the show was delayed by a whole HOUR. Every single minute, Tryxy got more anxious that the Womp Rats would make good on their threat not to play at all, and he even began to doubt himself!!!!

Sure enough, the clock struck three and about one hundred preschoolers were released into the play gym like a pack of Juicy-Juice fueled piranhas. That’s when Tryxy began to crash his cymbals and beat his drums like he’d never play again.

The CROWD WENT WILD!!!! They sang their hits “Ninevah Burns In My Soul,” “Meow,” and “Meow Meow” TWICE because the kids ate it up. You should’ve seen the little preschooler’s faces light up when Tryxy worked his magic and he and #bestkitten opened up their mouths like they were going to throw up and rainbows of light streamed out of their mouths over the gym!!!!!

There was NO WAY the Womp Rats could follow that.

And luckily for them, they didn’t have to. Because everyone knows that Boston’s problem isn’t with Cthulhu. Boston’s problem is with Ghouls. Ghouls are always taking over the North End and the T. And it just so happens that Paul Revere Preschool and Craft Brewery is near the North End and that’s when about thirty ghouls barreled through the broken gym doors I’d driven through and carried off the Womp Rats and about sixty growlers of Belgian White.

All’s well that ends well, Gladys!!!

Pages next week!!!!



















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One thought on “Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Hundred & Tenth

  1. My recollection of Lovecraftian ghouls is that they’re pretty decent sorts, as long as you’re not overly fastidious and know the right things to say.

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