[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com (temporarily closed for update). Wipe your feet before entering.]

Writer X and the PASSIVE Character

Hello, all! Melanie here.

November is almost here and, last week, Writer X enlisted the services of a writing doula to help develop what she will write during the NaNoWriMo challenge. She didn’t get any closer to choosing or starting a writing project, but she did prep for the apocalypse (or the Alpacalypse, as she calls it) and I’m sure there are a lot of writers out there who can relate to this sentence more than you will ever know.

X is now days away from NaNoWriMo and she needs to do something NOW to make things happen.

Without further ado…

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Subject: NANABANANA IS IMMINENT!!!!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

Remember how I told you that when I tried to go back to writing my still unfinished nine book epic fantasy saga that I broke out in hives? And remember how I told you that we’re supposed to submit our writing plan for NaNoMoMo BEFORE November???? And how I told you that our writing group, the Ink Black Coffee Club Critique Group is going to face off with the Fantasy Writer’s Meetup of Brokenheap, New Hampshire and compete for Most Words Written in November??AAAND remember how I told you that I didn’t write ANY words for last year’s competition but THIS YEAR IT’S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT????

WELL MY WRITING GROUP REMEMBERS. They won’t stop emailing me to remind me that I haven’t turned in a plan yet and that if I don’t turn in words this year I’ll make them look bad!!!! ME??? I got an email from Ravenhair Silkenwind reminding me that last year a goat wrote more words than I had. OH SURE TWIST THE KNIFE, WHY DON’T YOU??? That was a very talented goat!!!!

Even my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, who is also in our writing group, sent me an email and HE LIVES WITH ME!!!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going AND I DON’T NEED PRESSURE FROM YOU, TOO< GLADYS!!!!!  

Fortunately for me I have a terrific BFF who’s also a high level demon from the Void of Asheput, the FABULOUS TRYXY. Btw, Tryxy and I have been planning our Halloween costumes for this year. We’ll be going as Scary Golden Girls. I’d invite you to join us but all the main characters are already taken. #bestkitten is going as Scary Sophia (of course,) Tryxy is going as Scary Rose because he already has a Betty White wig for some reason, my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins is going as Scary Dorothy, and I’m going as a very pink Scary Blanche!!! We’re going to be a hit at Johnny Chicken’s Boozy Halloween party!!!!

I got kind of sidetracked there. What was I telling you about Tryxy for???

OH I REMEMBER. I had Tryxy summon my main character of my epic fantasy saga into our reality and she’s sitting in my living room right now and I have a MAJOR PROBLEM!!!!

But first, I should explain to you the sheer genius of my plan. Remember a couple months ago when my boyfriend wrote such a VIVID character that it jumped out of the pages of his short story and chased us around Cradensburg trying to kill us??? Well, it turns out no one in our writing group has ever written such a good character that it literally reaches out the screen and shoots an arrow into the hood of their car!!!!! They were VERY impressed. In the meanwhile, I became a little depressed because none of my characters have ever chased us down a covered bridge in the rain!!!! What does that say about me???

And as Tryxy and I were talking and gluing sequins onto our Golden Girls get up, I SUDDENLY UNDERSTOOD WHY I BREAK INTO HIVES WHENEVER I THINK OF WRITING MY UNFINISHED EPIC FANTASY SAGA AGAIN!!!

Hang on, Gladys, I’ve become extremely itchy and have to scratch. BRB!!!

(That means “be right back” in internet.)

Okay I’m back!

I’m breaking out in hives because I don’t have good self esteem!!!!!!! Every time I think about picking up that still unfinished first novel at page one hundred and six and I think all the times I tried writing it before and I think that I have EIGHT MORE OF THESE THINGS TO WRITE and the fact that I’m still not famous and I—hang on, Gladys, the itching is REALLY BAD!!!!

Okay, I”m back.

Anyhoo, my hives are breaking out in hives so I should get to the point. Tryxy was thinking that if I could just have more self esteem then I would get over my hives and be able to write a novel for NaNoNocturnal Animals!!!!!

Tryxy sprayed glitter on to his Betty White wig and did his best Rose of the Golden Girls impression and said, “I’ve got an idea! What if you worked on your main character and made her a really vivid character so that she jumped off the page?”

I almost dropped my jar of hyper pink sequins. “Well, bless my stars, Rose. You’re a genius!” I cried in my best syrupy southern drawl. Tryxy likes it when we pretend to be the Golden Girls together. “But I have one better. How about you just summon my character to life just as she is now using your powers? THEN, I can take her to my writing group meeting and she can wow and amaze my friends and show them that I truly am the next big epic fantasy writer OF ALL TIME??? Why there’s nothing like watching their inferiority complexes do backflips to boost up my self esteem!!!”

Tryxy’s eyes slid my way apprehensively and he fit his Betty White wig onto his head. “Oh, I don’t know about that, Blanche. I’m not sure that’s quite the same thing.”

“It’s not the same thing, Rose! It’s better!”

Tryxy chewed his lips and thought for a few moments. “Well, if you say so.”

Next thing you know, he snaps his fingers and summons my Fenchin exactly as I had written her into our craft area!!!!!

You can imagine how I felt suddenly seeing my own beloved character—a character I spent YEARS daydreaming about—right before my eyes!!!!

I felt neither one way or the other. I thought I should love her but her hair was three different lengths because I couldn’t make up my mind was style she has and she really was just kind of blah.

SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH HER GLADSY!!!!!!!

I don’t know how to describe it but…SHE DOESN’T DOOOOO ANYTHING!!!!

She just showed up and stood there, staring out at nothing. I asked her if she was excited to finally meet her creator and she said, “I guess.” Then, I asked her if she could show me her magic and she said, “What magic?” and then I remembered that she hasn’t actually activated the hummindaal yet so she doesn’t know she can do magic yet. So then I said, “Don’t you want to do magic?”

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID? SHE SAID—AND I QUOTE: “I guess? If I have to.”

Then she just stood there, not doing anything. Tryxy and I went back to working on our costumes thinking that maybe she needed time to acclimate to her new surroundings but she just stood there, staring at the wallpaper.

It didn’t take too long for my face to start burning with anger. How am I supposed to bring her to my writing critique group??? I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole group!!!! A character that doesn’t do anything and doesn’t want anything!!!! I said so to Tryxy.

He said, “Well, does she do anything in your story?”

I said, “Yes, of course she does!!! For instance in the beginning she’s picking herbs in the forest when the Riders of Moohoomoominboochuckalucks—I’ll change the name later—ride into town and tell her that’s she’s arrested. Then they arrest her.”

Tryxy said, “What does she do?”

“Well, she can’t do anything; she’s arrested!!!!”

“What happens after she’s arrested?”

“She’s thrown into the dungeon OF COURSE.”

“What does she do then?”

“She has to wait until she has to talk to the person in charge, her evil uncle!!!”

“Okay, she waits. But what does she want?”

“What do you mean what does she want? What does ANYONE want if they’re throne into prison??? To get out.” I couldn’t believe Tryxy was asking me such silly questions!!!!

“Nevermind,” said Tryxy. “I’m not a writer, so I don’t know what I’m asking.”

“I know, it’s a mystery,” I said. “Only I understand my character.”

“So then what do you think she wants? Like in the story. Like what is her story goal?”

“I don’t know what she wants!! IT doesn’t work that way!! Whenever I get stuck I just have something bad happen to her. It got me this far!!!”

And that’s when Tryxy and I launched our next plan. We decided that’s exactly what we needed to do to make this stupid character of mine DO SOMETHING. So we got in our Golden Girls garb and chased her through town with sticks. She ran into the Grim Hill area and you remember that guy who raises pit bulls??? Well, a bunch of his pit bulls got out and joined us chasing her. THEN, Tryxy, the pit bulls, and I chased her back into the Horn Hill neighborhood and went running past JOhnny Chicken’s house and you know how he has that old, cantankerous yellow rooster he calls Napoleon? Napoleon got out and next thing I know, he’s nipping at me and Tryxy’s heels so now we’re running from the rooster who’s chasing the dogs, who are chasing my character Fenchin!!!!

IT’S EXHAUSTING making things happen for a character who doesn’t want anything GLADYS!!!!

Then, we all ended up running circles around the town green until someone called animal control but it was too many animals so the officer threw me and Tryxy in the van instead and THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN GALDSY.

First, I need you to get me and Tryxy out of the shelter at animal control.

Then, I need you and your cousins to HUNT DOWN MY ABSOLUTELY BLAND CHARACTER and hold her hostage until my writing group meets tomorrow night and then chase her over to Ink Black Coffee Club since the only way you can get her to do anything is to make something HAPPEN to her!!! Then, my writing group will see her in action, suddenly feel inferior to my obviously superior writing skills and that will make my self esteem go up and I will then writing my epic fantasy novel for NaNoMishegas and go on to be instantly famous as the next big fantasy writer of all time because even if all my character wants is to get away from her writer, THAT’S WHAT I WANT.

TRUST THE PLAN, GALDSY!!!!!

Pages next week!!! I think.

xox,

X

P.S. WATCH OUT FOR NAPOLEON. HE’S STILL AT LARGE.

sent from my iPhone

HELLO

FROM

ANIMAL

JAIL, FILERS.

MY WIG

IS SWEATY

AND I

THINK

I’M

GETTING

FLEAS.

I SUDDENLY

HAVE

THE DESIRE

TO SING

ABOUT

TRAMPS

OVER AN

A CAPELLA

JAZZ TRIO.