[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com (temporarily closed for update). Wipe your feet before entering.]

THE PREPPERS

Hello, all! Melanie here.

When last we left our heroes, Writer X had fallen into a vibes-chasm. A vibes-chasm is when a writer creates fantastic, atmospheric moods on the page but nothing much happens otherwise. Tryxy the demon has been watching eighties sitcoms while he studies for his degree at Miskatonic Online University; he also attended his first open mic poetry night and loved it.

NaNoWriMo is approaching and the writers at Ink Black Coffee Club’s Critique Group are making plans for what they’ll work on this year. To sweeten the deal, there’s a yearly word count competition between the writers of Cradensburg and those of the town of Brokenheap.

Meanwhile, the town of Cradensburg has had a rough fall. There’s been the fact that sasquatch season came early this year, but now there’s also a sudden call for a quarantine.

Without further ado…

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Subject: QUARANTINE!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

You couldn’t have left Cradensburg to go shark riding in Patagonia at a better time!!!! I’m not sure your cousin Blanche has given you the news yet, but your house is one of the houses infected with the Bloody Mary epidemic. Fortunately, I’m still borrowing your fridge so that has been spared a haunting. There’s nothing worse than a huanted fridge GLADYS!!!! You may want to pick up a Patagonian exorcist at the duty-free on your return trip!!!!

Hang on Gladys, I have to yodel out the window. There are two or three young sasquatches on my lawn and nothing scares them off like a good yodel!!!! My love for the Sound of Music is really paying off!!!!

Okay, I”m back.

And NO, despite what you’re thinking, this whole Bloody Mary situation has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!!!!! Regardless of my anonymously egging their houses last night, the town council has refused my pressure campaign NOT to enforce quarantine tonight and now the WHOLE TOWN is going to be quarantined FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS or until Bloody Mary stops predicting people’s future husbands!!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. As you know November is right around the corner and that means the Ink Black Coffee Club Critique Group is preparing for our annual NanoMixalot competition against the Fantasy Writers’ Meetup of Brokenheap, New Hampshire!!!! Last year I was CRITICAL to the success of our competition, however I got no actual words written myself. That’s going to be different this year, GALSDY!!!!

Of course this means I have to make some changes. As you know, I’ve been mostly writing short fiction lately, but NanoLastOfTheMohicans requires that writers work on a NOVEL!!! Well, I haven’t written a novel since I gave up on my nine book epic fantasy saga!! Last week, when we turned in our novel plans at our writing meeting, I declared I would return to my long awaited epic fantasy saga. Little did I know that would have drastic consequences!!!!!

I instantly broke out in hives, including my fingers. When I tried to type, my hives rubbed together and became even more itchy!!!! Of course, I immediately went to the pharmacy only to discover that Cradensburg is suffering from a mysterious shortage of canning jars, cortisone cream, and toilet paper!!!!!

Fortunately for me, we have two new writers in our local critique group, Mark and Thomasina Prepper. They both write New Hampshire based near-future dystopian science fictions stories and are BOTH amaznon bestsellers in their category!!!!! We’re moving up in the world, Galdsy. Our writing group has the Preppers AND me and my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins!!!

Anyhoo, Thomasina also has a side business as a writing doula and she offered her therapeutic services to help me uncover what kind of writing won’t break me out in hives.

In fact, I’m heading to her house for my first session right now!!! But don’t tell anyone!!!! There’s an enforced curfew but no one’s caught me in my pink ninja suit yet!!!! I given Tryxy a blowgun and enough spitballs to blow into the face of any potential spies that might rat me out to the gestapo!!!!

Btw, Tryxy says “Hai!!!” and so does #bestkitten. Tryxy’s bummed about Bloody Mary because they’ve canceled open mic night and he has a new poem he had been very excited about sharing and now he has to wait until quaratnine is over. 

And besides, why should I be scared of catching Blood Mary????

xox,

X

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Subject: The Alpacalypse

Dear Gladys,

Things in Cradensburg are getting much worse!!!! First of all, the Bloody Mary quarantine has continued, but now the mayor has also banned use of candles, mirrors, and ouija boards as they are SUPER SPREADERS. Bloody Mary has predicted at least seven divorces, outed three adults by revealing the gender identity of future spouses, and exposed twelve affairs. But what am I supposed to do with all my writing affirmation candles and mirrors????? But the most horrible thing has been THE MASS TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE!!!!!!

Hang on, Gladys, I have to spitball a sasquatch whose sticking cranberries in my tailpipe.

Okay, I’m back!!!

Btw, I had to raid your house for rolls of toilet paper because there’s no way you need them while you’re in Patagonia with the sharks and exorcists. I may have had to break a window or three.

Our house has thankfully been spared a visitation of Bloody Mary although I’m pretty sure I heard her scratching on one of the neighbor’s door the other night. Fortunately, I have made extra spitballs just in case we do see her!!!!!

Which brings me to my next update. As you know, I started to use Thomasina Prepper’s writing doula services. It turns out she lives right up the street!!! At first I couldn’t find their house because I didn’t realize that they live in that old fallout shelter next to the graveyard at the top of the hill. AFter my first session we decided that working on my epic fantasy saga wouldn’t be good for my health. However, we haven’t really figured out what I SHOULD be writing for NanoMoxy Soft Drink because we spend most of the time talking about the Alpacalypse and color-coding Thomasina’s collection of econo bottles of ibuprofen and scavenged antibiotics.

Gladys, I have something VERY IMPROTANT to tell you. According to Thomasina, we are in the beginning of the Alpacalypse. Despite the town’s quarantine, she and Mark Prepper predict that the Bloody Mary epidemic will only get worse!!!!! They say that Bloody Mary is just one of the four signs of the Alpacalypse. Those are war, famine, pestilence, and those annoying recipe blog posts that start with a short story about berry picking and a hundred pictures of the author in a sunhat.

THAT’S WHEN I REALIZED THAT THEY ARE RIGHT!!!!!! Gladys, you know how we’ve been having all the problems with sasquatch???? THAT’S PESTILENCE!!!!!   

Then there’s the toilet paper shortage. FAMINE!!!!!

And we’re always at war with the town of Brokenheap.

I forget where Bloody Mary fits into all of this BUT SHE DOES!!! She’s the thing that will bring about the NEW WORLD ORDER and meta-fascism!!!!!

This may all sound extreme to you, Gasdly, but you know that I am a very level headed person and I wouldn’t just fall for any crazy conspiracy theory. I only fall for the best ones!!!!!

Thomasina and Mark really are amazing. They’ve been preparing for this time for the last thirty one years. Mark even showed me a half finished bottle of clindamycin he saved from 1992!!! They’re so wise, gladys!!!! It’s an honor to be their friend. They’ve explained to me that I’m not like other people in the town whom they call “goatles.” That’s their name for people who stick their heads in the sand and eat tin cans. They’ve said that when I’m ready they might even show me their super secret bunker beneath their secret secret bunker!!!! Mark doesn’t show the bunker to everyone, he has to conserve his energy as he’s been fighting a sinus infection that just won’t go away since 1992. 

I’ve been thinking about the alpacalypse SO MUCH that I haven’t been able to think about writing at all. Instead, I’ve been canning things, strengthening my immune system, and whittling stakes. Today I canned some eggs, some water, and a can. I’ve also been trying to get to the bottom of the toilet paper shortage. I just know that the New World Order is behind the toilet paper supply!!!!!

I even saw Bloody Mary on my way back from the Preppers the other night. Or at least I think it was Bloody Mary. She had long, claw like hands, and her face was blanched and sweaty and she kept going up to people’s houses and knocking but no one answered the door. I was able to get away before she could break up me and my boyfriend’s relationship by revealing we’d marry other people!!!!

But what I’m really concerned about is my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer TOd Boadkins. He and I don’t exactly see eye to eye about the Preppers. He doesn’t think they’re wise at all and that Bloody Mary is just something that comes around every hundred years or so and it’ll pass. I told him he wouldn’t know an Alpacalypse if it kissed him!!! He said Alpacalypses are on Alpacafaces.

Tryxy is somewhere in the middle. He says that, being over 4000 years old, he’s aware of at least eleven alpacalacalypses—one of them he accidentally caused—and there’s no reason why another one couldn’t happen although he doesn’t think the Bloody Mary epidemic is THE ONE. When I asked #bestkitten what she thinks about the Preppers, she said “MEOW.”

Fortunately, the Preppers have invited us over to eat some of their expired MREs tonight so my boyfriend will be able to get to known them better!!! UNFORTUNATELY, we’ve been out of toilet paper for the last three days and I’m afraid that if I don’t keep a close eye on my boyfriend he’ll raid the Prepper’s bathroom and that’ll be the end of a very advantageous friendship!!! Where else are we supposed to stay when Bloody Mary eventually gets to us all????

Yes, NanoMangoTango is inching closer and closer, but how can I think about writing when IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD???? At least me and my boyfriend and my bff and #bestkitten will get through it together.   

Anyhoo, I should get going. Thomasina Prepper’s informed me that the dinner dress code is tactical casual and I have to sew extra pink pockets onto my glitter leggings.

xox,

X

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Subject: QUARANTINE OVER!!!!

Dear Gladys,

Well, Bloody Mary has left our town and quarantine is over and we all have my boyfriend, award winning epidemic ending fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, to thank!!!!!

It all began when he and I went to the Preppers for a dinner of expired MREs. I thought I saw the neighbors watching us and had the sinking feeling that they were going to report that we had broken curfew to the authorities. But then it turns out that everyone in our neighborhood had been invited to the expired MRE dinner.

My boyfriend had been acting shifty all night, but he became especially shifty when he saw that the Prepper’s bathroom had a fresh roll of toilet paper!!!! Next thing I know, he’s poking around, sticking his nose in closets, unlocking pelican cases, and inspecting cupboards. I caught him just as he found a hidden stairwell. I would have shouted at him but then that would have given him away to the Preppers and caused a scene, so instead I followed him. He went down three floors and discovered the Prepper’s super secret bunker!!!! Lo and behold, the place was packed with canning jars, cortisone cream, camping equipment, AND ALL THE TOWN’S TOILET PAPER!!!!!

As soon as I saw this, I knew what we had to do. WE HAD TO SMUGGLE IT OUT!!!! So my boyfriend and I took turns stuffing our cargo pockets and pants with rolls of toilet paper, and sneaking out of the house and up the street where we stashed the toilet paper at our house for later dispersement!!!! On one of my surreptitious sallies I happened to run into that lady with the claw hands. Before she could predict that I’d die alone or that my boyfriend and I would marry parakeets, I asked her what she wanted. And you know what she asked for???? TOILET PAPER!!!! So I gave her a few rolls and she disappeared with a happy smile on her sharp-toothed face. IT’S WHAT SHE WANTED ALL ALONG.

Gladys, remember how we used to summon Bloody Mary at sleepovers???? Where would we usually summon her?? IN THE BATHROOM!!!!! It turns out that all these years, Bloody Mary has been showing up in people’s bathrooms because she’s been looking for toilet paper and they just want her to tell them who they’ll marry. In fact, you could even say that the Prepper’s toilet paper hoarding has caused this whole mess in the first place because if we had toilet paper, we could have headed this off!!!

Actually, not really. What initially caused the whole Bloody Mary problem was that the Cradensburg Skeptics Association were doing one of their debunking events the other week and their theme was “Debunking Urban Myths Like Bloody Mary” and I’m sure you can figure out the rest!!!!

Ah well, it was fun canning things and feeling like my stockpile made me slightly better than the goatles. Actually, it wasn’t fun and I still don’t know what I’ll write for NanoNincompoop!!!!

Pages next week, Gladsy!!

xox,

X

X LEFT

ME WITH

A BUCKET

OF HER

SPECIAL

HOMEMADE

SPITBALLS.

BARF EMOJI.

BARF EMOJI.

BARF EMOJI.