Oldest Niece’s Live Commentary on Raiders of the Lost Ark

Aunt Carol’s Oldest Niece is my daughter. When they get together to watch a movie, Aunt Carol captures her Oldest Niece’s wisecracks in a Facebook post. I am privileged to present their latest opus. (A little like Mystery Theater 2018…)

Aunt Carol identifies her own comments as “Me.” Oldest Niece’s comments are either in quotes, or preceded by ON.

Me: My Oldest Niece (who turns 16 next week) will be watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail followed by Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade for her party. So I figured we should watch Raiders of the Lost Ark first.

“The donkey looks offended.”

“Ah! Spiders!

Me: (After Indy tells Alfred Molina to stay there)
ON: “Oh sure, I’ll get right on that.”

ON: Oh, it’s one of those museum switches!
Me: Huh?
ON: With the sand!
Me: Yeah, this is where the trope came from.

“How is the boulder so perfect?”

“He looks so offended!”

Sings along with the music
“I like how I know the music.”

“Oh, a snek!”

“Giant spiders? Fine. One snake? NOPE!”

“That is a GREAT sweater vest.”

ON: That’s so weird.
Me: What, the plane?
ON: Yeah, that there’s no security.

“Why is he so sweaty?”

“The place is going to burn down with the medallion inside?”

ON: Does it burn the hands of those that aren’t worthy?
Me: No it’s just sitting in fire.
ON: I like my version better.

“She stole a pan. And then climbed into a basket.”

“The monkey is not your friend.”

“Tasty poison!”

“Oh yeah, the monkey’s gonna die.”

“Yay, the monkey died. I did not like him.”

ON: Is Marian really dead?
Me: Do you want me to tell you?
ON: No.

Me: I’m just standing here…
ON: Next to a hole with the map room where we’re not supposed to go…
Me: Like ya do.

(After seeing the snakes)
“I am not a fan of that. That is about a hundred snakes too many for me.”

Me: Why is there gasoline down there?
ON: Let it live.

“He made a hanger! A portable hanger! That’s funny. I love him, he’s dumb.”

“So much gasoline…”

“Who is this bald guy? He is so pink he’s either sweaty or sunburnt.”

“He’s got little goggles!”

“Smiles at German dude, throws him out of window.”

“Not the pots!”

“Motorcycle sidecar! Weapon of true destruction!”

“Attack of the palm trees.”

“He’s going to have aggressive road burn on his ankles.”

“It’s a Mercedes!”

“Oh, He is not having a good day. His butt must be hurting so bad!”

“That’s not how physics works!”

(Regarding the locals)

“If I was these guys, I would hate them so much.”

Me: Indy does not deserve a friend like Sallah.
ON: He does NOT. Honestly, neither does Marian.

ON: Did the Ark just…?
Me: It doesn’t like Nazis.
ON: It’s sentient?
Me: shrugs

“He’s gonna bazooka them!”

“Ew. I love burning off my flesh.”

“I would not want to hug someone that sweaty.”

“I love the researcher named ‘Top Men.’”

“She’s gonna out-drink ya, Buddy.”

“Ah yes, ‘top men’ studying it. In a warehouse.”

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