[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA. Find her in her virtual home at coldwildeyes.com. Wipe your feet before entering.]

PRE-STOLEN IDEAS

Hello All! Melanie here.

Last week, writing homeostasis was achieved, and Writer X began working on an entirely new epic fantasy series! Her latest yet unfinished novel features elves in spaceships. [[[ NEW GENRE UNLOCKED ]]] This is an exciting development.

There’s just one problem: a new television show called Plight of Stars also happens to feature a spaceship-traveling elf whose adventuring party flies from planet to planet searching for survivors from a mysterious, planet-consuming force called The Blight.

Don’t you hate it when other people become famous for your idea just when you are getting started with it?

Tryxy continues to be secretive about what he’s up to, running around with angels, and the Traveling Carnival that’s come to Cradensburg is experiencing weather delays. Cradensburg seems to be getting as much rain as the New Hampshire of our reality. Well, slightly more.

The process of writing a single book is arduous and full of uncertainty. Thinking that you have an idea that is so original as to guarantee the book’s success can be a Dumbo’s Magic Feather approach that gets you through the draft.

But seeing other people with similar magic systems or technologies doesn’t have to slow you down. When I was a teen, I remember reading a book of writing advice, and someone said: “One idea doth not a novel make.” You can take a shared idea and make it a unique read thanks to various elements of fiction: plot, character, dialogue, setting, conflict, theme…and the list goes on.

OR…you can do what Writer X is doing.

Without further ado…

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Subject: NON PROFIT CONTRIBUTIONS

Dear Gladys,

How are you holding up in the flooding rains???? I thought I saw your car float by in the currents outside Mr. Morgan’s Food Emporium and Things Nicely Priced, I waved and honked my horn but I don’t think you heard me.

In other great news, I think our little angel situation has completely dried up!!! Which is good, because my boyfriend and I were worried about an angel being a bad influence on Tryxy.

AFter my letter last week, I’m sure you are shaken to the core about the way some people can proactively steal my ideas before I really get the chance to think of it. But there is now something you can do to help bring an end to things like this.

I have started a small non-profit organization consisting of like minded individuals who are against Writers Stealing Other Writer’s Ideas Before They Get To Be Famous For Them First.

We’re called IAWSOWIBTGTBFFTF but please don’t say it out loud because I showed the name to Tryxy and he says he’s pretty sure that’s the name of a demon who, when summoned, either gives the summoner a kind of flesh-eating bacteria or irritable bowel syndrome, he couldn’t remember which.

Our membership is set to DOUBLE as soon as you join. There’s a lot of work to be done to stop this nefarious activity that is thwarting up-and-coming writers’ careers so don’t delay in signing up!!!

This week, I’ve done LOADS of research on this little known epidemic. For example, did you know that Strider from LOTR had his name STOLEN FROM A HORSE?????? I’m as big a fan of J.R.R. Tolkien as the next person, but you’d think that since he’s invented a genre and achieved immortality and now has lived for the last 50 or so years at a very nice fishing cottage in Moseley Bog, he could have at least sent the horse a thank you card!!!

Oh, it doesn’t stop there. I have to be careful, Gladys, or I may rob you of all your heroes. But did you know that in THE DRAGONBONE CHAIR, Tad Williams STOLE THE IDEA of a red headed hero from a boy he went to Junior High with? STOLE THE VERY RED OFF HIS HEAD. That’s not all. By the end of the trilogy, a perfectly good junior high schooler was rendered COMPLETELY BALD by MEMORY, SORROW, AND THORN.

As president of IAWSOWIBTGTBFFTF, I have take the liberty of writing to Mr. Tad Williams about this very infraction with the following demands.

1.) That he give his former classmate his hair back

2.) That he signs all my dogeared copies of Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn and goes on an extended all-expenses-paid vacation with me to Moseley Bog. HE’S MY HALL PASS, GALDSY!!!!

Look. Look at this face. Can you believe those dreamy eyes are the ones that conceived To Green Angel Tower????????

Remember that time in high school when I carried around all of his books in my bookbag for three or four years???? Fortunately that chiropractor in Bleakwood was able to correct the damage or else the sciatica would have completely ended my hobby of competitive hot air ballooning.

GLADYS!!!!!!! I just noticed. Tad Williams is BALD!!!! Do you think he shaved all his hair off because he secretly felt guilty for STEALING THE HAIR OFF SOMEONE ELSE’S HEAD?????

This only makes me love him more. You know I’m a sucker for an anti-hero!!!! He reminds me of my other hall pass: award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins!!!!!

But it gets WORSE. Gladys, I’m not sure you’re going to recover from what I’m about to tell you. This might be too much.

STEPHANIE MEYER, THE CREATOR OF TWILIGHT, stole the whole scene where Bella and Ewadiddle get married and have sex on the beach????? It’s true.

Now, I know I told you that I was going to hire a Juju person to fix this whole thing, but with all the floods, the local carnival has been on pause. But that’s okay because my work with IAWSOWWIBBTGTBFFFFFTF has given me LOTS to do!!!!

Gladys, do you think you could build me a website??

I also have taken the initiative of writing a letter to Congress to inform them of this awful epidemic affecting writers and junior high schoolers everywhere. I haven’t finished it yet. The first fourteen pages simply detail the STRUGGLE I’ve experienced as a writer as a result of PLIGHT OF STARS.

Whatever you do Gladys, DON’T WATCH PLIGHT OF STARS. THis is BARELY safe for me to do!!! You can’t have both of us sending their ratings through the roof!!!

In fact, I’m so busy gathering information on all the ideas Plight of Stars has PRE-STOLEN from me, that I need you to pause in building that website and come and take me to my gastroenterology appointment. I accidentally said IAWSOWIBTGTBFFTF out loud three times and now the cheese pizza I inhaled is OUT TO KILL ME!!!!!

Paddle over!!! I’ll wait on my roof for you to pick me up!!!!

Juju next week, Gladys!!!!!

xox,

X

NO VISIT

FROM MY

ANGEL

FRIEND

THIS WEEK.

HE’S

ALLERGIC

TO RAIN.