The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest invites entries for the worst opening line to a novel. The 2024 winner is this submission from Lawrence Person of Austin, TX:
She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed from a speeding truck.
Fans know Lawrence Person as a science fiction short story writer and a Best Fanzine Hugo finalist in 1997 as editor of Nova Express.
Winners of genre interest include:
FANTASY & HORROR
Sir Arthur Pendragon, High King of the Britons, son of King Uther Pendragon, nephew of King Aurelius Ambrosius, who was in turn the son of a long list of people who weren’t kings and thus don’t matter, only slept with his sister once, but boy did it come back to bite him in the ass.
Diana Murtaugh, Baltimore, MD
SCIENCE FICTION
With the long-awaited legalization of human cloning and the availability of goodly amounts of the DNA of its founding fathers, America in 2035 found itself entering a new golden age—one in which Nathan Hale at last had more than one life to give for his country, Benjamin Franklin was on hand to get the freaking Post Office back on the rails, and Alexander Hamilton could finally play himself on Broadway eight shows a week.
G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, CA
At the link you can find more genre “Dishonorable Mentions” in each category.
Also worth pointing out are these “Dishonorable Mentions” in the Dark & Stormy category:
It was a dark and stormy night, which makes perfect sense when you realize we’re on Neptune, with a mean distance from the Sun of 4.5 billion kilometers (or 30 astronomical units), and winds that howl at 100 meters per second, composed of mostly hydrogen and helium (and only trace amounts of methane), which is way better than Uranus, which stinks to high heaven.
Jon A. Bell, Porto, Portugal
“It’s a dark and stormy night, ladies and gentlemen, just the perfect atmosphere for the Monsters’ Ball, and look, here comes Mr. and Mrs. Dracula, both looking quite debonair and mysterious, and there’s Frank, the big guy himself, his neck bolts glinting during the lightning flashes, but I do have one piece of bad news and that is we probably won’t be seeing the werewolf tonight because, after all, it is a dark and stormy night.”
Randy Blanton, Murfreesboro, TN
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This announcement has perfect timing because I’ve been following responses on Twitter. And they’re … astounding and way off the mark. I think people misunderstand the point and think this is a contest like the Razzies — and that the judges are being mean.
People love the Diana Murtaugh entry — but they are furious with the judges for declaring that it is the “worst” opening. They believe the judges have no sense of humor. facepalm
Have people forgotten the point of this contest? Is it no longer getting enough mainstream press? Do they need to start printing the yearly anthologies again so that people understand that the entries are supposed to be funny?
I thought it might be a generational thing with younger writers and readers being less familiar with the contest. But then, I saw a response from at least one author in my generation that was angry.
Anne Marble: There really is no sense of humor in social media. You’d think so, with all the stuff people point and laugh at. But even the slightest nuance or subtlety is lost on them. Even here, when we all know how UNsubtle the Bulwer-Lytton contest is.
@Mike Glyer
That’s the best explanation ever.
“How can that entry be the worst?!”
Hmm, I wonder?…
Murtaugh’s entry is close to ROFLMAO funny!
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Great worst opening lines. Made my evening!
I LOL at several of these. Or at least went snerk through my nose.
@Anne I admit I wasn’t familiar with this contest until seeing an explanation in the r/fantasy thread, but. . . well, the word “worst” is right there in the description giving people an idea (perhaps erroneous) of what to expect.
In honor of another story contest, now regrettably defunct:
A clean, well-lighted scroll
Am I strange if I want the stories to continue?
There’s a couple I would read for sure.
@Jay
I think some people thought this was something like the Razzies and got upset that a great opening sentence got what they thought was a negative award. (Another poster also mentioned the Bad Sex Award, which is given to examples from published work.)
But if you’re a fan or writer with a large following, sometimes it’s a good idea to “check your anger at the door” and at least look the contest up before posting in anger.
This tool applies to a lot of social media outrage. And not just outrage about books. (I’m still annoyed at the venture capitalist who claimed using the word “delve” was a sign that you had used AI to write your text.)
Person is not only an SF writer, but does an excellent blog .
The winner and all the others made my evening, as sit here with just one bag of ice and several places that are bruised from my fall yesterday as we walked back to our room in Aberystwyth, Wales.