Barkley — So Glad You (Didn’t) Ask #86, A Column of Unsolicited Opinions

Posted on May 3, 2024 by Mike Glyer

THE SECOND CIVIL WAR AND CIVIL WAR; AN ALARMING PAIR OF FILM REVIEWS (PLUS A BONUS REVIEW OF A MURDER AT THE END OF THE WORLD)

By Chris M. Barkley:

The Second Civil War (*** of 4 stars, HBO Films, 1997, 96 minutes) with Beau Bridges, Phil Hartman, James Earl Jones, Elizabeth Pena, Ron Perlman, James Coburn, Dan Heyada, Joanna Cassidy and Denis Leary. Written by Martyn Burke, Directed by Joe Dante. Bechdel Test: Fail.

Civil War (**** of four stars, A24, 2024, 109 minutes) with Kirsten Dunst, Wagner Moura, Cailee Spaeny, Stephen McKinley Henderson and Nick Offerman. Written and Directed by Alex Garland. Bechdel Test: Pass!

Although I saw writer-director Alex Garland’s highly anticipated dystopian thriller Civil War more than a week ago, I decided to hold off on reviewing it until this past week’s real life (and possibly dystopian) events played out in New York City, Washington D.C. and, surprisingly enough, Phoenix Arizona.

On Monday, April 21 In New York City, the 45th president of the United States entered the second week of a felony trial of submitting false financial documents to cover up hush money payments to two women in order to influence the outcome of the 2016 election.

At nearby Columbia University, students and faculty continued their clash with the school’s administrators, who are protesting the school’s investments with the state of Israel and that country’s questionable actions which are resulting in rising civilian casualties in the Gaza Strip. The highly publicized acts of harassment and arrests of protesters by the New York Police Department have inspired similar uprisings at many other universities across the country.

On Wednesday April 24, the nine Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States heard oral arguments on whether or not the previous president had an unlimited right of immunity from prosecution from any act, even illegal ones, while in office and afterwards as well.

Later that same day, a grand jury in Arizona indicted former White House aide Mark Meadows, disbarred attorney Rudi Giuilani and nine others in a scheme to send fraudulent electors to the January 6th verification of Electoral Votes.

You may be wondering what any of these events have anything to do with Alex Garland’s Civil War or why it is paired with HBO’s 1998 satire on political conflict, The Second Civil War.

And the answer is, in my humble opinion, everything.

For decades, alarmists and fringe political pundits have been predicting that the social, economic, cultural and political divisions plaguing the United States are leading up to an open and active civil conflict between citizens.

And it’s hard to deny that the seed of dissent and discontent were planted in the 1960’s when various factors, such as income inequality, the polarization of the political parties and election cycles, the wide dissemination of lies and disinformation and the rise the internet and social media began to percolate throughout every strata of life.

“Over the years whenever I revisit this film at festivals or retrospectives I’m always amazed how prescient it was. The issues it deals with have never dated (unfortunately). It’s usually just a matter of which ones are outstanding at the moment. And right now the TV images of Americans turning away buses full of immigrant children have their nearly exact counterpart in the movie, although there it’s the military turning “the little ragheads” around. In Europe, where it was released theatrically, TSCW has a higher profile than it has in America, as it premiered on HBO and hasn’t been revived in years. But it’s worth checking out as a movie that can inspire discussion and debate about problems that just won’t go away.”
–The Second Civil War director, Joe Dante, July 5th, 2014, Trailers From Hell.com

As I was dodging reviews of Civil War the week before, I came across a timely article from Cracked.com (“America’s Reliable Source of Snark”) about a strangely prescient film from 1998, The Second Civil War (A Very Uncivil Comedy): “The Best Movie About a Modern Civil War is a ‘90s Phil Hartman Comedy”.

Intrigued, I managed to snag a relatively inexpensive DVD online and watched it the evening before my partner Juli and I saw Civil War.

Set in an early 21st century immigrant-heavy America where the Mayor of Los Angeles speaks only in Spanish, Rhode Island is populated mostly by Chinese Americans, and Alabama has a Sikh congressman, the white governor of Idaho, Jim Farley (Beau Bridges) decides that he’s had enough. When refugee children from Pakistan are ordered to be sent there, Farley orders the National Guard to close the border, citing the move as a threat to public safety. His fervent exclamation, “We are being swamped. We are destroying our own way of life,” has been a familiar political talking point, mainly for the Republican Party, for more than two generations now.

The Second Civil War, l-r, Kevin McCarthy, Phil Hartman and James Coburn, HBO

Meanwhile at NewsNet (a sly amalgamation of CNN and the then year-old Fox News), network manager Mel Burgess (a delightfully obnoxious Dan Hedaya) is frantically trying to browbeat and manipulate his reporters, staff and producers (James Earl Jones, Joanna Cassidy, Ron Perlman, Denis Leary and Dick Miller among many others) to not only get the story but scoop their rivals by any means necessary.

But, beyond the governor’s staff, the media and the public at large don’t knows that Farley is a two-faced populist who not only loves Mexican culture, he’s also is having a passionate affair with a local NewsNet reporter, Christina (Elizabeth Pena), who is ironically enough, a naturalized citizen who was born in Mexico.

If all of this weren’t bad enough, the President, played by Saturday Night Live veteran Phil Hartman (in one of his last screen roles), is an ineffectual sap who’s ignoring the advice from his cabinet and staff and instead is relying on Jack B. Buchan (a smooth and oily James Coburn) a public relations crisis manager.

When militias from other states join Idaho in opposition to the President, things gradually and eventually go off the rails in a major and tragic way.

Watching The Second Civil War was like looking into a time portal into the late 1990’s; if you look closely, you will see characters spout some very familiar talking points on immigrants and immigration, racism, blatant sexism and high handed political grandstanding.

But what makes this twenty-seven year old film highly watchable and entertaining is the sure handed direction by Joe Dante (The Howling, Gremlins, Innerspace, The ‘Burb) and the whip smart script by Canadian screenwriter Martyn Burke, who, as it happens was also an former reporter, a novelist and a documentary filmmaker.

If you want to check out this darkly funny farce, you can watch it via streaming on YouTube, Amazon Prime and Apple+.

“There is something in the film which is trying to be protective of [journalists],” says Garland. His father was a longtime newspaper cartoonist, and you can sense an admiration for that old guard of foreign correspondents he grew up around in London. “I think serious journalism needs protecting, because it’s under attack, so I wanted to make those people ‘heroes’ to put them front and center.”

— Screenwriter and Director Alex Garland, The Guardian, March 30th, 2024.

The other end of this double feature, Civil War, has very few laughs and justifiably so.

Writer and director Alex Garland recently stated “I’m not planning to direct again in the foreseeable future… I do actually love film, but filmmaking doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It exists in life and also in a broader context.” He told the The Guardian newspaper in the United Kingdom that one of his main anxieties was worrying about the safety and sensibilities of his cast and crews saying that it “literally keeps me awake at night.”

This is disheartening news, coming from the creator of some of the most interesting and provocative works of recent years such as 28 Days Later, Dredd, Never Let Me Go, Ex-Machina, Sunshine and Annihilation.

Garland’s choice of subject in Civil War, the violent unraveling of the country under political and social duress, was a deliberate choice. Its release during America’s presidential election year has raised concerns, doubts and condemnation about his intentions from pundits across the entire political spectrum.

The film begins with the unnamed President of the United States (Nick Offerman) practicing a speech proclaiming a huge victory over the secessionist Western Forces of California, Texas and other state militias who are bearing down on Washington D.C.

Meanwhile, in New York City, a veteran photojournalist Lee (Kirsten Dunst) takes a neophyte, Jessie (Cailee Spaeny) under her wing after a horrific terrorist attack. Soon after, the duo teams up with two journalists, Joel from Reuters (Wagner Moura) and Sammy from the New York Times (Stephen McKinley Henderson) who scheme to travel to D.C. and scoop their rival journalists by getting an interview with the president before the inevitable fall of the administration.

Civil War, Kirsten Dunst (rear) and Cailee Spaeny (front), A24.

When they hear the more direct route south through Philadelphia has been compromised (read: destroyed) the quartet decides to take a more circuitous route through Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Maryland.

Along the way, they chronicle, and experience first-hand, the effects of the conflict; looters being strung up, random free fire zones and ambushes, refugee camps and most strangely, an entire town that has decided, by consensus, to “stay out of it.”

Throughout their arduous journey, they must confront their inner demons, hone their survival instincts and struggle to stave off the relentless feelings of dread, fear and post traumatic stress. And as they get closer to their ultimate goal, they begin to question whether their profession, under these dire circumstances, is actually worth doing at all.

One of the main criticisms leveled at Civil War, by critics, reviewers and the public, is that the political situation which caused the war are not specified and it’s hard to pin down who the good guys and the bad guys are.

Alex Garland is one of the rare filmmakers who dares to challenge the audience by not making it easy for you to exactly figure out what’s going on; he’s using the ambiguity of the actions of all of the individuals and groups involved and is leaving the final judgment about it to each individual viewer. If you look hard enough, there are clues to be found in the narrative, the biggest one being that the president is acting in a despotic manner and that he is into his third term in office. But you have to weigh that against the clearly lawless actions of the Western Forces, the militias and random vigilantes who are a major part of the narrative.

The events of Civil War clearly don’t take place in our world, but an alternative universe where the “Western Forces” of California and Texas, with the help of other state militias, could be allied in their hate of the federal government. A frightening world that is very similar to our own but with a very advanced case of divisiveness.

Garland has openly said in interviews that this story is a metaphor about democracy under attack and that he sees reporters as the heroes of this story, especially in these turbulent and contentious times. And in today’s world, a reporter’s good intentions and declarations of neutrality and fairness means nothing to the herd mentality of a lawless mob.

As Garland ably and searingly demonstrates throughout this film, once the belief in that fragile barrier holding our democracy in place is eliminated, the racists, seditionists and MAGA militia members will inevitably appear in the streets, automatic weapons in hand, ready to dispense their own personal brand of “social justice”.

And make no mistake, the most chilling part of Civil War is that the conflict won’t be regional, the chaos, fear and terror will be taking place in all fifty states and associated territories.

Civil War is a stark and ominous warning for America and its citizens. Hate speech, racial prejudice, misinformation and outright lies, generational, cultural and social differences are fueling a conflagration we may not be able to extinguish.

A Murder at the End of the World (**** of 4 stars, Hulu, 2023, seven episodes) with Emma Corrin, Brit Marling, Harris Dickinson, Alice Braga, Joan Che, Raúl Esparzan, Jermaine Fowler, Ryan J. Haddad, Pegah Ferydoni, Javed Khan, Louis Cancelmi, Edoardo Ballerini, Clive Owen and Kellan Tetlow as Zoomer. Created, Written and Directed by Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij.

And while I was wading through the week’s events, Juli and I decided to take a chance on a series I wish we had seen when it premiered last November, A Murder at the End of the World.

When I initially read the premise, a band of people under a mysterious threat in Iceland, I felt as though it was just another neo-Agatha Christie/Knives Out ripoff. Oh, how wrong I was…

A mysterious billionaire, Andy Ronson (Clive Owen) and his philanthropic wife, Lee Andersen (Brit Marling) have invited an odd assortment of entrepreneurs, artists and celebrities to their hotel/retreat in a very remote part of Iceland for a symposium on the current state of the environment.

Among the guests are memoirist and amateur internet sleuth Darby Hart (Emma Corrin) and her former partner, Bill Farrah (Harris Dickinson). Neither were expecting each to see each other again so their meeting is a shocking and bittersweet surprise.

A Murder at the End of the World, Emma Corrin (left), Harris Dickinson (right), Hulu.

But when Bill dies soon after on that first evening, Darby is reluctantly pressed into service by Ronson to investigate before the local authorities arrive. As she does, she reminisces about how she and Bill met and why they parted ways. She also confronts the other guests, a somewhat shifty group of suspects who all may have a personal grudge against Ronson and evidence of a conspiracy whose motives and objectives are as murky as they are elusive…

The reason I lament seeing this series now is because had I seen it during its initial run, I would have been on my 2024 Hugo ballot in the Long Form category. I will not reveal the sf elements that clearly qualify this drama series because I want those elements to be a surprise to you, the viewer.

I will say this; as those elements are revealed, they do not detract or distract you from getting involved, they enhance the drama and the dire circumstances this group of characters find themselves in, from nature but mostly from the physical and emotional baggage they brought with them to this deadly retreat.

So, while it is too late to bestow any glory on A Murder at the End of the World via the Hugo Awards, it’s never too late for you to enjoy this fascinating and thrilling series on Hulu.

Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Hundred & Thirteenth

Posted on April 29, 2024 by Mike Glyer

A dark forest sits beneath a starry sky. Creepy black goo drips over the scenery. White whimsical letters read: “Fit the Hundred & Thirteenth: The Candle in Your Heart.”

[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA.]

THE CANDLE IN YOUR HEART.

Hello, All! Melanie here.

Last week, Cradensburg hosted a Procrastinate-a-thon to raise money for an extra-large wall calendar for the town council. Fortunately, nothing prepares you for procrastination like being a writer. In fact, writers are really professional procrastinators who write on the side. Writer X participated in the fundraiser with a brilliant move: she waited until after the procrastinate-a-thon had already concluded before she began soliciting pledges!

Well, it’s spring in Cradensburg, and that means the weather is finally slightly above freezing. People will want to get outdoors! That is get outdoors for something that isn’t ice fishing or throwing yourself down a mountain while strapped to two waxed slabs of fiberglass!

Without further ado…

Subject: MYSTERIOUS NEIGHBORHOOD CAT MIGHT ALSO BE A

Dear Gladys,

I need a list of monsters that can also take the shape of a yowling ring-tailed cat with glowing yellow eyes and teeth made of fire because I think that’s the precise situation we have on our hands.

Anyhoo. This morning started out very differently from the way the evening ended.

We were all very stressed out. Tryxy was disgruntled and became particularly slammy. Slammy is when you slam the fridge and the silverware drawers as an expression to the universe of just how stressed you are but really you have only yourself to blame. Tryxy’s been stressed because he’s getting to the end of his semester at Miskatonic Online University and apparently he never planned for his final project and has to do all of his research in one week instead of four.

I was very stressed because, as you know, the town’s Procrastinate-a-thon was a smashing success. The town was able to raise the $76.42 needed to purchase an extra large wall calendar so that they can have a sense of what they’re supposed to be doing rather than prioritizing things based on whichever crisis had caught on fire.

Once they got the new wall calendar filled in, they discovered they were already late for hosting the first “Evening Author Reading in the Town Green.”

They usually book a local author to read a short story or a selection from a novel. OF COURSE what they SHOULD have done is requested me to come read from my novel-in-progress that I haven’t worked on in at least two years because I’m the next big epic fantasy writer of all time.

But they didn’t. Instead they booked a man who calls himself “Arthur Willingsby” who was nominated for a Push a wagon or Push a wheelbarrow award or something like that.

My meta fiancé, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, was stressed because of the weird noise his car is making lately and he keeps asking me VERY POINTED QUESTIONS about the last time I drove it. He hasn’t made any open accusations yet, but you drive ONE LITTLE CAR off a bridge TWO OR THREE TIMES and people never get over it, Gladys!!!!!

#bestkitten has been the most stressed out of all of us. Firstly there’s the fact that the birds are all coming back to New Hampshire and a family of robins made a nest in the bush outside our front living room window and no matter how much #bestkitten does her best chirping noises, none of the birds so far have climbed into her mouth!!!!!

And then there’s the new cat slinking around our neighborhood. It’s terrorized the squirrels, who have in turn terrorized a sasquatch nest, who have in turn started sasquatch season early and have begun tearing off people’s siding before we’ve even had the chance to repair the siding damage they did last fall!!!!! THIS CAT IS DISRUPTING THE NATURAL CYCLES OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I have tried everything to get this cat to leave. I’ve taken up playing the tuba (everyone knows there’s nothing a cat likes least than someone playing “When the Saints Go Marching in” on tuba except for if you play “When the Saints Go Marching in” on the vacuum cleaner!!!!!) I’ve put out a cat nip trap. I’ve offered the cat an all-expense paid vacation to Sandals, Jamaica, but NOTHING IS WORKING, GALDYS!!!!!

After a day of playing tuba and sending angry emails to the town, we all decided that we’ve gotten a little stir crazy being in the house all week. We begrudgingly chose to go down to the burnt down gazebo in the town green and grit our teeth and listen to the obviously inferior work of the so-called local author “Arthur Willingsby.”

It was a packed house. There were a lot of people who brought lawn chairs and blankets and there was a hot dog cart and a man selling maple sugar floss. Everyone seemed a little disgruntled. Maybe they were also stressed from whatever they have going on in their lives or from the fact that our weather has been yo-yoing, or from the fact that they weren’t going to hear the next big epic fantasy writer of all time. Or maybe they were all annoyed that the town had announced YET ANOTHER event paid for by taxpayers at the last possible moment.

Fortunately, no one brought any candles like they did for the Neil Gaiman reading.

“Arthur Willingsby” turned out to be a bald man with a strong, beak-like nose and a charming smile. He began his authorial chat with an obviously egotistical comment about how he had been asked at the last possible minute by the town to do this reading and he thought about turning them down because the last author reading hosted by the town ended up in a massive fire. And he has asthma.

Everyone in the audience tittered stiffly, but someone in the crowd, and I’m not saying I know who it was, shouted, “Maybe you should have said no seeing that you’re not the next big epic fantasy writer of all time” and some people are saying it was me BUT if you hear that it was me who said it, Gladys, I need you to correct that rumor right away!!!!!1!

But then, “Arthur Willingsby” took out a story he had published a few years ago and began to read and as he began to read, the audience grew quieter and quieter and their eyes grew wider and wider so that each of the faces in the crowd looked more childlike.

The story was called “Wishes.” It’s about an older woman who had recently buried her adult daughter on the morning she discovers that her house had been put into lien. The older woman starts thinking she would lose her house for sure and how hard it would be to start life in a little apartment at her age with so many memories already built into the house she has.

The older woman finds an injured fairy in the butterfly garden her daughter built in the back yard and she nurses the fairy back to health with all the care she had showed her daughter while her daughter was in hospice. The fairy then gives the old woman three wishes with a warning that wishing someone back from the grave never works the way one wants.

And Galdsy, I can’t tell you how it all happened or how it all made sense the way it did, but somehow “Arthur Willingsby” wrote this story so that when the woman decides instead to take up all the things her daughter never got to finish and the fairy disappears into the fairy world for ever, it made it so that a tiny, glowing candle was lit in each of our hearts.

Which is good that it was a candle in our hearts because of what happened the last time we had so many candles at the town green.

Anyhoo, when “Arthur Willingsby” finished his story, we all sat in silence for several seconds before bursting into tearful applause. But it was like the quiet never left us. Sitting under those stars on a chilly spring night with blankets wrapped around our shoulders as the cry of a lone sasquatch tearing the siding off a barn echoed into the night.

It’s funny what a story does to us, isn’t it Gladys? How you start a story as one person, and you end the story as a slightly different person?

But I must get back to my tuba!!! This cat isn’t going to catch itself!!!!

Pages next week, Galdsy!!!!

xox,

IF I

WERE

OFFERED

THREE

WISHES,

I WOULD

WISH THAT

PAST ME

HAD BEEN

KINDER

TO FUTURE

ME AND

DID THEIR

RESEARCH

WHEN THEY

WERE

SUPPOSED

TO. :-/

Robert Tilendis Review: Bissinger’s Carmelized Blood Orange Chocolate Candy

Posted on April 28, 2024 by Mike Glyer

Review by Robert Tilendis: Founded in France in the 17th century, Bissinger’s chocolates were favored by the luminaries of 18th and 19th century Europe, such as Napoleon Bonaparte and the Rothschilds. The company was granted the title of “Confectioner of the Empire” by King Louis XIV. Bissinger’s relocated to the United States in 1845.

The example of their products that crossed my desk (well, landed on it) is the Caramelized Blood Orange, covered in dark (60%) chocolate, with hazelnuts. Being somewhat of a chocolate purist, I’m often dubious about additives, but since orange and chocolate are one of the classic combinations, I decided to give it a try.

It’s a 3-ounce bar, scored into eight squares, and rather flat. The hazelnuts seem to be mostly on the bottom. The chocolate surrounds a thin layer of blood orange caramel. The texture at room temperature is fairly firm, and a bite rapidly softens in the mouth, due probably to the caramel core. It’s a bit sweet, but the blend of flavors is good — the balance between orange and chocolate is just about perfect, and a reminder of why this has become a classic combination. The nuts add just a little bit of crunch, which accents the rather buttery texture of the chocolate/caramel combination.

I wound up liking this rather more than I expected. Bissinger’s website offers a chance to survey their offerings and purchase them directly. There is also a list of retailers.

Cat Eldridge Review: Body Knocker Groot

Posted on April 23, 2024 by Mike Glyer

NECA Marvel Guardians of the Galaxy 2: Body Knocker Groot

Review by Cat Eldridge: Unlike the first film with its very adult Groot, Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume II features a much smaller Groot, say about a foot in height. Whereas the adult Groot came across, at least to me, as a bit somber, this one’s a hyperkinetic creature about as disciplined as a kitten in what it should do and not do. And that’s why I decided I wanted an action figure of him that I’d be placing – naturally — among my houseplants.

There are lots of baby Groots on the market, no surprise there, with a very nice life-sized one from Hot Toys that’ll set you back just under two hundred dollars. Errr… no thanks as even if I could afford it playing in the houseplants simply wouldn’t do.

Mine was a mere seventeen dollars and does just fine even if I’ll never use the shake and shimmy feature. Yeah the one I like and purchased at Newbury Comics is called NECA Marvel Guardians of the Galaxy 2: Body Knocker Groot.

He’s not big, I’d say just about four inches on a boom box as you can see from the image here. He’s cute, very much a plant creature sitting among my house plants. Theoretically he’s solar powered but I’m betting he’s not waterproof so that’ll short out if you put him where I have.

He’s got the right face as even the eyes are superb for such a small figure, and the smile is just right. Even the Boom Box that he’s sitting on is nicely detailed and looks like it could actually play music. On the other hand adult Groot looks too much like an Ent in Peter Jackson’s Lord of The Rings movies, but this looks utterly original. Did I say he’s cute? Well he is. Utterly cute.

Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Hundred & Twelfth

Posted on April 22, 2024 by Mike Glyer

A dark forest sits under a starry sky. Creepy black goo drips over the scene. White whimsical letters read: “Fit the Hundred & Twelfth: The Procrastinate-a-thon”

THE PROCRASTINATE-A-THON

Hello, All! Melanie here.

Last week, Writer X was met with some strange behavior from her boyfriend and fellow writer, Tod Boadkins. In previous weeks, Tod had promised X a “romantic gift” if she could refrain from defending her BFF’s feelings with violence.

Surprise, surprise! X did this. She was rewarded with a gift and a comment that the gift had been made possible by the money Tod had saved on bail money. It was a pair of hot pink boxing gloves.

X immediately put these to use in settling the score between her and an unpleasant visitor from Massachusetts. That’s when Tod started acting strangely anxious. It turns out the pair of boxing gloves weren’t the present, but served as a sort of “wrapper” for the real present…

Which was a ring.

In the meanwhile, Tryxy the Demon and #bestkitten were flush with excitement from their latest gig. They’re supposed to be writing music and launching a website for their band, but sometimes we don’t do what we’re supposed to do.

Without further ado…

Subject: PROCRASTINATE-A-THON

Dear Gladys,

As you know, the town has announced at the very last possible minute that it’s holding a procrastinate-a-thon to raise money to purchase an extra large wall calendar for the town council so that they can see what they should be working on and when it should be done by.

Previously the town would prioritize tasks by rushing off to whatever thing had caught on fire at the moment, but after the grease fire in the kitchen of the parks department, it was clear that new approaches had to be put in place!!!

The extra large wall calendar should fix this, but they have a stretch goal that would allow them to get a large monkey to periodically set fire to the extra large wall calendar as a means of encouraging them to not ignore the calendar in the ways that calendars are obviously designed to be ignored.

I have come up with an incredibly genius plan to beat EVERYONE and raise the MOST money!!!!

The way it works is that participants select a task that they’re going to procrastinate about and get pledges from friends and family. For every hour the participant procrastinates on their task, the pledgers agree to pay whatever amount to the Extra Large Wall Calendar Fund. There are also bonus pledges allowed if the task that is being procrastinated is something you really have no business procrastinating about.

Now Gladys, you can bet that most participants are going to be uncreative. They’re going to procrastinate on all the usual things. Things like cleaning your gutters, or exercising, or doing your taxes, or seeing your doctor about the peculiar smell of pickled mangos that keeps wafting from your feet after you go running which is why you keep putting off exercising. BUT MY PLAN IS AMAZING!!!!!

Oh, and all of my friends at the Ink Black Coffee Club Critique Group have decided that since we’ve all been procrastinating about our latest writing projects, that it made sense to keep doing it for a good cause. Every single one of them has filled out their pledge sheet with the name of their latest work-in-progress. And they’re ALL gloating because everyone knows that writers are professional procrastinators so CLEARLY NO ONE IN TOWN KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE IN FOR!!!!!!!

Taxes??? They’re procrastinating on something as easy as taxes???? No one wants to do their taxes, it’s EASY to procrastinate on doing your taxes. BUT WRITING. Oh, YES, WRITING!!!!! Writing is something literally no one cares if you do and may suddenly get a glazed over expression if you bring it up at parties so the only reason to write IS BECAUSE YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE IT!!!!!!

And who procrastinates doing stuff they really really love????? WRITERS!!!!!!1

We’re AMAZING.

BUT WITH THIS PLAN I’M GOING TO BEAT ALL THE WRITERS, TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just need to borrow your dishwasher. If you could just throw it in your car and bring it to me now, that’d be perfect.

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my love life is going.

The ring that my meta fiancé, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins gave me FITS PERFECTLY!!!!!! And of course I said yes to whatever it was he was asking. Which it turns out is to be meta-engaged!!!!! I’m META ENGAGED, GLAYDS!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to be married eventually!!!!!

Of course you probably don’t know what meta engaged means because you’re behind the times and we’re very progressive so I guess I’ll explain. My meta fiancé has had several long talks with his therapist who’s pointed out that he’s afraid to “seriously commit to anything else but writing” and “why does he have such a hard time trusting others enough to express commitment” and “isn’t it time he face this tendency head on?”

That’s when he had the brilliant idea of proposing because we already mostly live together and, according to him, the thought of me marrying him makes him “incredibly happy” about sixty percent of the time and “incredibly panicked” the other forty percent.

And that when he came up with the idea of a meta-engagement. This means that it is probably going to take years for us to actually get married because our engagement is more “abstract” than “concrete.” A meta-engagement is to engagements what metaphilosophy is to philosophy which basically means that you can’t earn a college degree on the topic but you can use it to make people feel like you MIGHT be smarter than them.

In the meanwhile, Tryxy and #bestkitten are in a slump. They were so giddy last week about making a website and writing new music, but now they have what Tryxy is calling the No Upcoming Gig Blues. They SHOULD be working on planning their website and writing new music, but neither of them has the motivation since their festival gig isn’t until late May when New England can be very-nearly-but-not-quite safe from having four feet of snow suddenly dumped on us.

Instead, Tryxy is trudging around the house in his favorite velour tracksuit and matching house slippers, doomscrolling, and drinking coffeemate directly from the bottle with no chaser. The more he drinks, the more sluggish he gets because apparently he needs the stimulation of a weekly gig to plan websites and work on new songs. And #bestkitten is a cat.

Anyhoo, what else was I saying???? Oh yes!!!!

This is how I’m going to win the Procrastinate-a-thon.

I’m not just procrastinating on writing my latest work-in-progress, I’M PROCRASTINATING EVEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT MY LATEST WORK IN PROGReSS WILL Be!!!!!!!

But that’s not all.

The most ingenius part of what I’m doing to win is that the Procrastinate-a-thon OFFICIALLY ENDeD thIS MORNING!!!!!

Yes, Gladys, you’ve read that right. I’m TURNING IN MY PLEDGE SHEET AFTER THE EVENT HAS ENDED!!!!!

I just need you to loan me your dishwasher. It has nothing to do with the Procrastinate-a-thon. It’s just that there’s been a pile of dishes in our kitchen sink that has been there so long, no one can remember who’s turn it was to do the dishes and I’m pretty sure it was Tryxy’s so I need to give him YOUR dishwasher so he can stop putting it off. I DON’t NEED ANY MORE COMPETITION IN THE PROCRASTINATE-A-THON.

As I think of it Gladys, WHAT IF EVERYONE IN MY HOUSE IS COMPETING AGAINST ME??? WHAT IF META-ENGAGEMENT IS Just a way to procrastinate about marriage????

We could be engaged for years!!!! Possibly Even FOREVER!!!!1 This man is truly a genius. And what about Tryxy and #bestkitten putting off making website plans?????

Gladys, do you think they’re participating in the fundraiser too???? I don’t know who to trust!!!! Don’t tell anybody my secret!!!!! And also please don’t put off bringing me your dishwasher, I don’t need YET ANOTHER COMPETITOR!!!!

Pages next week, Gladys!

xox,

P.S. Please sign up and pledge to support me as I procrastinate. I’m accepting contributions of $20 an hour or more. THANDK YOU!!!!!

TURNS OUT

I DON’T

HAVE THE

NO

UPCOMING

GIG

BLUES.

THIS IS

MY FOURTH

GALLON OF

COFFEEMATE.

MY DOCTOR

SAYS

I HAVE

TOO MUCH

SUGAR

BLUES.

Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Hundred & Eleventh

Posted on April 15, 2024 by Mike Glyer

A dark forest sits beneath a starry sky. Creepy black goo drips over the scene. White whimsical letters read: “Fit the Hundred & Eleventh: The Boxing Gloves Mystery.”

THE BOXING GLOVES MYSTERY

Hello, All! Melanie here.

When we last left our heroes, Tryxy the demon and his bandmate #bestkitten were booked to play a show at Paul Revere Preschool & Craft Brewery in Boston. There were threats of Cthulhu cultists, talent abductions, misguided GPS directions, and even a ghoul attack, but DemonKitty put on a great show regardless! The band is starting to go places, which Tryxy’s always wished for.

This gig was made possible by Arnold Rolfson, an A&R rep whose selfishness makes Writer X want to protect her BFF Tryxy’s feelings with violence.

But here’s the twist, last week Tod Boadkins, Writer X’s boyfriend, promised her a “special romantic present” if she could refrain from violence for a whole week. And guess what? She did it! A surprising success, indeed.

I didn’t think she’d make it. Since she’s been working hard to lose weight, X has been punchier than usual. I don’t blame her. Nothing fuels the temper like eating fewer carbs.

Without further ado…

Subject: TOURIST SEASON!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

I don’t know how I’m supposed to focus on being the next big epic fantasy writer of all time when spring tourist season is already upon us!!!!

Sure, New Hampshire is a rugged and beautiful land of pristine lakes, angry sasquatches, vengeful ski slopes, and haunted antiques, but why do people from the state-south-of-us-that-shall-not-be-named insist on coming up here and MASS-ing everything up????

It all started when we got back from Boston last week. I needed to focus on next moves for getting DemonKitty out to the world. I also discovered I gained three pounds from when I accidentally drank a guzzler mug full of movie theater butter.

Nothing makes me focus like a good power walk in a new location so I started going down to Tatoskok lake to walk the new paved path on the shore line.

I was getting on some speed when I passed the cabins and that’s when I met that gosh darn kangaroo!!!!!! Don’t you hate it when Franklin Park Zoo lets its animals out on vacation???? Some of those animals are used to being in the spotlight and they have no idea how to interface with the rest of us mere mortals!!!!

Anyhoo, this kangaroo hops out of the larger cabin with a margarita in his paw and starts sucking it through a straw and watching me as I went by with a bored, amused expression on his face.

I was just a couple feet away when he says, “That’s a lot of pink for someone no one wants to look at. Spandex isn’t everyone’s friend.”

It took a second for me to understand him because of his accent and then another whole second for me to realize HE WAQS TALKING TO ME!!!!!

Now Gladys, I bet you probably think that all kangaroos have Australian accents but that’s just an example of stereotyping a species. This kangaroo definitely sounded like he was from the bronx.

I was so upset, I couldn’t concentrate, but I also couldn’t clobber him because I promised my boyfrriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, that I wouldn’t get violent for a whole week and I still had two days to go thanks to a minor setback with a loud cellphone talker in the library.

But I went the next morning hoping for some peace and quiet so that I could create a masterplan for DemonKitty and it was like that kangaroo was waiting at the door watching for me to come!!!!!

“Nice hair curlers. Goes with your huffy puffy look. In fact, that’s what I’ll call ya. Liddle miss Huffy Puffy. How ya doin Miss Huffy Puffy?”

I stopped and shook my fist at him but without the ability to follow it up, it only made him double over laughing at me. You should never get into a bare knuckle fist fight with a kangaroo for obvious reasons, everyone knows that.

Fortunately for me, my week is up!!!! And I woke up to this text message from my boyfriend.

As soon as I figure out how to get my foot out of this tub of diaper wipes, I’m going to run downstairs and open it!!!!!! Everyone knows you shouldn’t attempt going down a set of stairs with a tub of diaper wipes on your foot.

Safety first, Galdsy!!!!!!!!

xox,

Subject: SWEET REVENGE!!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

Well, I know my boyfriend loves me!!!! Because when I finally got my foot free of those diaper wipes I opened up my special present and found these beauties waiting for me!!!!

How did he know I needed a pair of hot pink boxing gloves?????? It’s like he’s psychic or something, but I know he isn’t because he doesn’t have a certificate like I do.

I instantly texted him and let him know I got his gift and that I was going to put them to immediate use!!!!!

As soon as I finish lacing these up, I’m off to Tatoskok Lake. Let’s see if that bully kangaroo can back up his mouth!!!!!!

This will get me all fired up for our DemonKitty band meeting this evening!!!

xox,

Subject: THaT sliPpPEry KAGNAROO!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

it’s been several days since I’ve got my brand new boxing gloves and I haven’t even been able to use them!!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. I’ll have you know I’ve been writing haiku. I’m a well rounded writer. Not everyone can write haiku, you need five syllables, then seven syllables, then five syllables. Even I came to the art accidentally. My first one I wrote this morning when I discovered a haiku hidden in my shopping list. Most of my haiku are “found poetry.” Here’s the one I wrote this morning.

Fat Free Half And Half
Low Calorie Rice Cakes
Vat of Rocky Road

We have had a few productive meetings about DemonKitty’s future. They’ve been booked for a music festival, but what Tryxy and #bestkitten want to do is figure out how we can get more gigs both in and out of New Hampshire using the music festival booking as a way of proving they’re an in-demand band.

First, we decided we needed a way of letting people know that they’re even playing the music festival. Or any show at all. Other than flyers.

Then, we realized that probably we should focus on making people know that the band exists. We came to the conclusion that we need an OFFICIAL DEMONKITTY WEBSITE. After all, this isn’t just a hobby anymore. DemonKitty are professionals!!!!!!!

The only problem is the webdesigner costs real money and so far DemonKitty has only been paid in t-shirts and soggy, unseasoned curly fries so we’re working with a very low budget.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS STUPID KANGAROO!!!!!

Whenever I have my boxing gloves on, I can’t find him!!!!! The first time I went with my gloves, he came out, sucked on his margarita and watched me coming toward him.

“Would you look who’s here? It’s liddle miss huffy puffy. How you doing liddle miss huffy puffy?” And then I got close enough and he saw I was laced and ready to go with a boxing glove on each fist!!!!

“Ah shit,” he said. And then he hopped into his cabin and locked the door!!!!!

No matter what I do, if I don’t have my boxing gloves on, he’s picks on me. If I do have my boxing gloves on, he runs into his house!!!!!

I’ve taken to stashing the gloves in a few different locations so that I can whip them out real fast and lay some hurtin’ on that kanga!!!!!!

In the meanwhile, my boyfriend has been acting very strange since I opened my present. He keeps asking me what my answer is and if the present he gave me gives me any thoughts about us. ???? I keep telling him that I’m very thankful for the present but I am completely focused on the kangaroo right now!!!!!!

I don’t know why he’s upset, I use them every day!!!!!!

xox,

Subject: WEBSITE DESIGN!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

We figured out what to do about the website budget!!!!! I found a free webbuilder service called crappy.web!!!!! At crappy.web, you can design your own professional looking website without having to pay someone who actually knows what they’re doing!!!!!!! I’m going to build demonkitty’s website!!!!!!

Also: i snuck out to the lake last night and while that evil kangaroo was busy partying on his back deck with a couple of sloths and an extremely loud life coach, I slid my boxing gloves into his bushes!!!!!

Just wait til morning!!!!!!

xox,

Subject: WHY IS MY BOYFRIEND SO MAD?????

Dear Gladys,

I can’t believe I’m writing you this email from Lake Tatoskok in the middle of the night. My boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, got SUPER upset tonight when I came home without my boxing gloves.

At first I thought he was angry that I’m planning to fight that kangaroo, but when he found out the kangaroo calls me Liddle Miss Huffy Puffy, he completely agreed that that kangaroo needs to get clocked!!!!

But he was angry that I left them in the bushes especially since the boxing gloves were “so expensive.” I told him that I would replace the boxing gloves if they went missing and that didn’t console him AT ALL.

So now I’m out here at the lake and the lake monster is making super loud growly noises that keeps creeping me out and I’m digging around in the bushes looking for my gloves because my boyfriend said, “It’s not the gloves, it’s what’s inside the gloves!”

I’m pretty sure I just stepped in wet poison ivy.

Okay I’ve got ‘em!!!! I’m just going to dig one hand around inside and…

oh, there’s something in there.

it’s kinda small and hard.

and cirvular.

It’s a ring. With a white metal band and a pink stone.

Gladys, why would there be a ring with a pink stone in my boxing gloves. Why would my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, give me a ring???

…OH MY GOD!!!!!

xox,

sent from my iPhone

DON’T

WORRY. THAT

KANGAROO

WON’T

GET AWAY

WITH

BULLYING

MY BEST

FRIEND. YOU

KNOW HOW

EMBARRASSING

IT IS

WHEN YOU

HAVE A

PAIR OF

SNEAKERS

AND THEY

MAKE NOISES?

PERMA-HEXED HIS

LEFT FOOT.

NOW WHEN

HE PUTS

HIS PAW

DOWN, HIS

FOOT

SQUEAKS

LIKE A

DYING

DOG TOY.

Denise Dutton Review: Ghirardelli Intense Dark – Hazlenut Heaven

Posted on April 13, 2024 by Mike Glyer

Review by Denise Kitashima Dutton: I’m always game for dark chocolate. Plus, I’m a sucker for hazelnuts (aka filbert, a name I absolutely love) in any form. So hello, combination of the two! Ghirardelli blends their premium chocolate with nicely minced nuts to create a bar that’s going onto my list of favorite candies.

This chocolate is chewy at room temperature. It’s a nice chewiness, without the waxy feel some lesser chocolate bars have. Substantial scattering of diced hazelnuts give each bite a bit of crunch to go along with that chew. (Note: putting the bar in the fridge gives it a snap that makes it easy to parse out equal squares, and gives the nuts extra crispness.) Ghirardelli makes no mention of the percentage of cacao in this bar, but as it’s in their “Intense Dark” line and the chocolate has a lovely deep color, I’d guess it’s over 70%. Could be wrong in that, though.

Each bar gives you eight 1×1″ squares, which makes parceling out individual nibbles very easy. Y’know, if you’re the kind that can stop at one square. The website says this bar is perfect for sharing, but screw that. It’s too yummy; before you know it, it’s gone.

Pairs well with wine, coffee, a nice oolong, or champagne. If you can stand to share, add squares of this bar to a charcuterie board. It’d make incredible s’mores, especially if you swap your graham crackers with shortbread or solid slices of angel food cake. What? With chocolate this good, you’ll want to head for the good stuff just to keep up.

Denise Kitashima Dutton has been a reviewer since 2003, and hopes to get the hang of things any moment now. She believes that bluegrass is not hell in music form, and that beer is better when it’s a nitro pour. Besides GMR, you can find her at Atomic Fan Girl, Movie-Blogger.com, or at that end seat at the bar, multi-tasking with her Kindle.

Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Hundred & Tenth

Posted on April 8, 2024 by Mike Glyer

A dark forest sits beneath a starry sky. Creepy black goo drips over the scene. Whimsical white letters read: “Fit the Hundred & Tenth: Paul Revere Preschool & Craft brewery.”

PAUL REVERE PRESCHOOL & CRAFT BREWERY

Hello, All! Melanie here.

In previous weeks, our friend Writer X has thrown herself into boosting the music career of her BFF and high-ranking teenage demon Tryxy. When last we heard from them, the band DemonKitty (a band consisting of Tryxy and his adorable cat #bestkitten) had the opportunity to travel to Boston to perform for an A & R rep at a music label.

This is an exciting opportunity for any band, but the music industry is a lot like the publishing industry; it delivers highs and lows, sometimes simultaneously.

Tryxy and #bestkitten’s hopes were dashed when they learned that Arnold Rolfson had no interest in their band but was looking for talented musicians to play his original music.

It wasn’t all bad. Arnold Rolfson later extended the opportunity for DemonKitty to come back to Boston and play for a local preschool. My old music mentor used to tell me, “No matter what happens, always play the gig.”

Without further ado…

Subject: DemonKitty is Shipping up to Boston!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

No one was expecting the ghoul attack. In fact, we spent most of the day worried about how DemonKitty’s show at Paul Revere Preschool & Craft Brewery in Boston was going to go. No matter what we were worried about, it turns out we were worried about the wrong thing.

It all started two weeks ago when I got an unexpected text from Arnold Rolfson, the A & R rep for the Yankee’s Suck Label, asking if DemonKitty would be up for opening for local Boston band The Womp Rats at a preschool.

I don’t trust that Arnold Rolfson, Gladys. Not as far as I can throw him. And I’ve been power-walking with weights so I’m pretty sure that’s at least three or four feet. Not that my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, will let me test that theory!!!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. Lately, I haven’t been writing much fiction, but I have been writing in my journal a lot and doing this thing I call Word Vomit. Basically, I set my timer for twenty minutes and I write EVERYTHING that comes to my mind whether or not it makes sense. So basically it’s like an email.

Back to the Preschool show!!!

So Tryxy was really excited that Arnold Rolfson invited DemonKitty to open up for The Womp Rats. After all, it would be DemonKitty’s very first show NOT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE!!! And when we were in Boston two weeks ago, we drove by a methadone clinic where we saw an elder god administering medication to someone wearing a Womp Rats t-shirt, so this band is FAMOUS!!!!!!

Personally, I was worried about the venue. Arnold Rolfson stressed me out talking about how DemonKitty has to bring their A game.

He said: “These are very discerning three-year olds. They’re tired of Baby Shark. They want something even more distilled. I just so happen to have written a song that I know would kill it for DemonKitty and, if you ask nicely, I’ll let them play one of my originals.”

I was very stressed out. How was I going to keep from sporking Arnold Rolfson in the ear if he keeps trying to bogart DemonKitty for his own stupid music?? And how was DemonKitty supposed to play for a bunch of discerning preschoolers??? DemonKitty’s music isn’t for everyone. It’s only for the most sophisticated and artistic of listeners like myself.

But Tryxy wasn’t worried. “Half of our songs are just meowing, and we have a cat in the band, and we vomit rainbows at the end. If that doesn’t win preschoolers over, nothing will.”

It turns out, I was entirely worried about the wrong thing, and I’m not talking about the Cthulhu Cultist Parade that was all over the news that morning because Boston officials issued a Cthulhu Manifestation Advisory.

We drove down to Boston and dropped my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, off at the John Quincy Adams High School & Cannabis Dispensary because he was asked to host a writing workshop for teens this week. Then, we set off to Paul Revere Preschool & Craft Brewery but GPS accidentally rerouted us to Abigail Adams Middle School & Vape Supply Warehouse.

Tryxy was clutching his knees with anxiety. We had lost an ENTIRE hour with the GPS accident and he was sure we were going to get to the school late and make a very bad impression on the Womp Rats. He had bought a Womp Rats t-shirt for them to sign. Then, to make matters worse, we couldn’t find parking ANYWHERE NEAR THE SCHOOL.

It turns out, there was nothing we could do about the Womp Rats. The second I drove through the gym doors and parked on the indoor play gym, Arnold Rolfson came up to us and told us that the Womp Rats were threatening not to play because they were unhappy he had booked DemonKitty as their opening act.

It turns out The Womp Rats had requested a band called “Lieger Tiger” to open for them. Apparently Lieger Tiger is a high brow free form jazz act that uses only bear horns and fingernails on chalkboards for all their sounds. The Womp Rats thought that if a “bunch of nobodies like a demon and a cat” opened for them, that they’ll stop pulling in better venues.

That was CRUSHING. And when I saw the look on Tryxy’s face, I very nearly kidnapped all three members of the Womp Rats and tied them up in an industrial trash compactor where they could be crushed for crushing my BFF, but my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, promised me that if I refrain from hurting anyone for a full week, he’s got a romantic surprise for me!!!!

Anyhoo, we muscled through the situation and started setting up Tryxy’s drum kit when the preschool administrator came running into the gym saying that students were being kept in their classes until the Cthulhu Cultist Parade passed by and we could be reasonably assured that the kids wouldn’t be eaten by a god-monster before the busses came.

I don’t know why Boston gets so up in arms about Cthulhu. Everyone knows that Cthulhu rarely attacks Suffolk County. IT’S ESSEX THAT HAS TO WATCH OUT!!!!!

THEN, it turns out the school had to delay the show even more because, after the Cthulhu cultists passed, it was time for the children to attend some special Touch and See craft activity called “How to Grow a Callous on Your Liver and a Chip on Your Shoulder For Young Bostonians.”

So the show was delayed by a whole HOUR. Every single minute, Tryxy got more anxious that the Womp Rats would make good on their threat not to play at all, and he even began to doubt himself!!!!

Sure enough, the clock struck three and about one hundred preschoolers were released into the play gym like a pack of Juicy-Juice fueled piranhas. That’s when Tryxy began to crash his cymbals and beat his drums like he’d never play again.

The CROWD WENT WILD!!!! They sang their hits “Ninevah Burns In My Soul,” “Meow,” and “Meow Meow” TWICE because the kids ate it up. You should’ve seen the little preschooler’s faces light up when Tryxy worked his magic and he and #bestkitten opened up their mouths like they were going to throw up and rainbows of light streamed out of their mouths over the gym!!!!!

There was NO WAY the Womp Rats could follow that.

And luckily for them, they didn’t have to. Because everyone knows that Boston’s problem isn’t with Cthulhu. Boston’s problem is with Ghouls. Ghouls are always taking over the North End and the T. And it just so happens that Paul Revere Preschool and Craft Brewery is near the North End and that’s when about thirty ghouls barreled through the broken gym doors I’d driven through and carried off the Womp Rats and about sixty growlers of Belgian White.

All’s well that ends well, Gladys!!!

Pages next week!!!!

xox,

CAN’T

BELIEVE THIS

BUT ONE

OF THE

GHOULS

WAS A

PROMOTER

FOR A

LOCAL

MUSIC FEST.

DEMONKITTY

HAS BEEN

INVITED

TO PLAY

OUR FIRST

FESTIVAL!

Barkley — So Glad You (Didn’t) Ask #85

Posted on April 7, 2024 by Mike Glyer

A REPORTER’S NOTEBOOK: A FEW THOUGHTS ON SOME OF THE 2024 HUGO AWARD FINALISTS

By Chris M. Barkley: I, like many of you reading this, were absolutely riveted around 11:00 a.m. (Eastern Detested Time, as far as I’m concerned) on March 29th when the 2024 Glasgow World Science Fiction Convention Committee announced the Finalists for the Hugo Awards.

Having (possibly) won a Hugo Award in the Fan Writing category a mere five months and a week ago, I have a vested interest in the proceedings. As many of you may remember, I did recuse myself from future consideration in the category in my (somewhat surprising) acceptance speech on the stage of the 2023 Hugo Awards Ceremony in Chengdu, China. I’ll say more on this later on.

From the safety of our kitchen nook, my partner Juli and I watched the YouTube video presentation of the Finalists:

Naturally, having been associated with the awards for a full quarter century (WHERE did the time go?), I have a few thoughts about this year’s Finalists:

— The very first thing that jumps out at me is that there are numerous nominees from China. After the debacle over explosive revelations regarding the 2023 Hugo Awards and the numerous calls for accountability and transparency over the past few months, it is heartening to know that despite the fact some of them were legitimately denied their voting rights, fans in China showed that they are still willing, at least for the time being, to being part of this process. I hope you are as excited as I am about this encouraging sign.

Before last year, the Hugo Awards had a reputation for being transparent in their processes and publication of voting results, something other prestigious literary awards (the National Book Awards, the Pulitzer, Booker and Nobel Prizes) notoriously do not divulge.

And, I argue, it is because that tradition was egregiously transgressed and the corruption was thankfully exposed.

Needless to say, I can hardly wait for this year’s Hugo Nominee packet and read entries they chose.

— But, on the other hand, I am disheartened to read that several people, most prominently Bigolas Dickolas Wolfwood (in Best Related Works), Natasha Bardon (Best Editor-Long Form) and Camestros Felapton (Best Fan Writer), Hai Ya (Best Novelette, The Far North), Martha Wells (Best Novel, System Collapse) turned down their nominations. Each had their own reasons; while I don’t know why Wolfwood and Hai Ya declined, Martha Wells has previously stated she would not accept any more nominations for her Murderbot stories or novels. On his blog page, Felapton stated that:

“2023 looms large here and there were definitely people I would rather see on the Hugo ballot for Best Fan Writer this year than myself. One was obviously Paul Weimer but I was certain he’d be top of most people’s ballots anyway but I was hoping some Chinese fans would make it onto the category. That didn’t happen but it is a decent list of finalists and there is nobody there that I would have wanted to replace.

Closely related to this was also the sense that I was likely to have gathered additional votes from things that I had written in 2024, specifically on the 2023 Hugo Award stats. Even if that wasn’t the case it would have felt like it was the case to me. So, I thought I’d feel happier skipping this year and putting my hat into the ring for next year.

I hope that makes sense. Thank you to everybody who voted for me and apologies for not publicly asking people not to vote for me before the deadline. 2023 stuff sort of got in the way of thinking about 2024 stuff.

I must state for the record that I have the utmost respect for Mr. Felapton and his works, and if I had not totally screwed up my timing on getting my ballot in, his name would have occupied one of my slots. It will definitely happen next year.

You can read his full statement here: “Why I Declined a Hugo Spot”.

The biggest news from last Friday was Ms. Bardon’s statement. On Instagram she explained:

“I’d like to thank everyone who nominated me for Best Editor, Long Form for the #HugoAwards2024.

I’m honoured to have made the final list.

Unfortunately, given the censorship in 2023, and as a professional working within a field that often feels closed off by gatekeepers, I feel unable to accept the nomination. Though I applaud the transparency of this year’s organisers, I do not feel there has been enough to safeguard this from happening again, nor right the wrongs of 2023.

Congratulations to all finalists.”

It should be noted that Ms. Bardon is R.F. Kuang’s editor. Ms. Kuang’s bestselling fantasy novel Babel was notoriously excluded from last year’s Hugo Award Finalist list due to the malfeasance of the Chengdu Hugo Award Administrators. I have to believe that may have been a factor in her decision. My respects to her as well.

— Novels, Short Fiction and Series: Despite being retired with a lot of time on my hands, I must confess that being on a fixed income, I have been woefully behind on reading novels and short fiction over the past decade or so. But, I am looking forward to reading some old favorites like Ann Leckie, Martha Wells, Nghi Vo, T. Kingfisher, Naomi Kritzler and John Scalzi, as well as some who are relatively new to me such as C.L. Polk, P. Djèlí Clark, Emily Tesh and all of the Chinese nominees. Similarly, I am hopelessly behind on every single series on the list; I’ll try to get caught up but if I can’t by the voting deadline I may abstain from voting in this category altogether.

— Related Works: I have had a keen interest in history, science and literary criticism since I was in grade school so I am quite pleased with the finalists in this category. In fact, I may splurge and buy hardcover copies of A City on Mars by Kelly Weinersmith and Zach Weinersmith, A Traveler in Time: The Critical Practice of Maureen Kincaid Speller edited by Nina Allan and All These Worlds: Reviews & Essays by Niall Harrison. But I have to admit that the most intriguing entry here is the publication of The Culture: The Drawings, by the late Iain M. Banks, which showcases the drawings and sketches he used as reference points for his acclaimed fictional series. I don’t know if I can afford it but I have one hand on my credit card…

— Best Dramatic Presentation, Long Form: Among this year’s crop of finalists, the biggest surprises was NOT Greta Gerwig’s Academy Award nominated Barbie (which I knew upon viewing was an automatic shoo-in) but the frothy fantasy/heist movie Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, which delves deeply into the game’s mythos without alienating anyone who knows nothing about the role playing game.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse was also a slam dunk for a nomination although I was not inclined to nominate (or vote for) it myself because it ends on a cliffhanger and I usually don’t want to award an uncompleted story (and I’m looking at YOU Dune Parts One and Two).

And while I’m looking forward to watching Nimona and The Wandering Earth II, it’s Poor Things, also a 2024 Best Picture nominee, that interests me most because I see it as a possible dark horse winner in this category.

You may also be on the lookout for a WSFS Business Meeting petition to extend the nomination period for the critically acclaimed (and a 2024 Oscar Winner for Best Special Effects) Godzilla Minus One, which had a limited theatrical run late last year.

One more thing; I would have nominated this year’s Best Picture winner, Oppenheimer, but I am only slightly disappointed it didn’t make the cut this year seeing that the Long Form category could have been filled with three times as many outstanding films and streaming series from 2023.

— Best Dramatic Presentation, Short Form: FINALLY, the nominators are showing some love for Star Trek: Strange New Worlds! And two outstanding episodes got the nod; “Those Old Scientists” is a hilarious crossover with the animated series Below Decks wherein Ensigns Mariner (Tawny Newsome) and Boimler (Jack Quaid) get entangled in a time travel accident that has them interacting in the past with their legendary crushes Captain Pike (Anson Mount), Spock (Ethan Peck) and Uhura (Celia Rose Gooding). The ensuing hijinks made this an instant classic. The other episode, “Subspace Rhapsody” is another fun episode that has the crew of the Enterprise forced to perform in various forms of song AND dance. Fun, fun, fun!

Doctor Who returned last December, with two of the three being David Tennant-Catherine Tate specials, the trapped on a starship “Wild Blue Yonder’ and “The Giggle” which introduced of the energetic new Doctor, Ncuti Gatwa and a terrifying turn by Neil Patrick Harris as the villainous Celestial Toymaker.

The category is rounded out by what I consider are the two frontrunners; the final episode of Season 2 of Loki, “Glorious Purpose”, which may feature the very last appearance of Tom Hiddleston in his iconic title role and episode 3 of The Last of Us miniseries, “Long, Long Time”, in which guest stars Nick Offerman and Murray Bartlett give the most tearful and wrenching performances in the history of television (Offerman won a 2024 Emmy for Guest Actor, Bartlett was nominated as well).

— Best Semiprozine: We could argue all day (and all night as well) about why this outdated and ill-titled category still exists but I think we can agree that all of the nominees are worthy of the Hugo Award. Among them are two previous winners (FIYAH Literary Magazine and Uncanny Magazine) and two perennial nominees (Escape Pod and Strange Horizons) and two newcomers, GigaNotoSaurus and khōréō, of whom I have never heard of before but look forward to sampling.

— Best Fanzine: Let’s all give a BIG welcome to first time Hugo Award nominees Black Nerd Problems (which is proudly based in Columbus, Ohio) and Gerri Sulivan’s Ideas, which was last seen in the year 2000 and saw the light of day again this past year. Being well acquainted with Journey Planet, The Full Lid, Unofficial Hugo Book Club Blog and Nerds of a Feather, Flock Together, I look forward to reading the best they had to offer from last year.

— Best Fan Writer: A VERY necessary aside; when I first started advocating for changes regarding the Hugo Award categories 25 years ago, one of the very first things that some of the more sage members of the Business Meeting crowd drilled into my head was that these awards were not supposed to be popularity contests, but by the merit of the work itself. Officially, as far as they were (and still are) concerned, the award does not go to the creator of the work but to the work itself.

With that in mind, I thanked those who voted to make the works of a person of color for the very first time in the history of the Hugo Awards. I also made an impassioned and open ended plea to not make me the last POC to win and I pledged to recuse myself from the category for just that purpose.

I should also say that after the revelations about the voting scandal were made public last February, a number of people made it known that they were going to nominate me again this year. And while I have very little doubt I could have made the ballot, I made the decision not to rescind the recusal and if I had been nominated I would have turned it down.

For better or worse, my name will be permanently affixed to the 2023 Hugo Awards and I am unwavering in my belief that other and more diverse fan writers should have a chance to be spotlighted.

This year’s finalists, while all being quite worthy of the award (several are folks I consider good friends and peers), that I am slightly disappointed that this group is decidedly less diverse than recent years. However, the nominators, for this year, have spoken.

Paul Weimer, who was unjustly left off of last year’s ballot is rightfully present, along with my fellow 2023 finalists Jason Sanford, Bitter Karella, Örjan Westin and two nominees from previous years, James Davis Nicoll and Alasdair Stuart. I look forward to reading their packet selections and I wish them all good luck.

If you value this category as I do, advocate for other voices and from different cultures and countries for next year and every year afterwards.

—The Astounding Award for Best New Writer: One of the things I look forward to every year is reading the stories from the writers in this category.

The BIG news in the Astounding Award category this year is the appearance of Xiran Jay Zhao on the ballot. They were excluded as a finalist for Best New Writer of 2023, despite receiving enough votes to place fourth on the nomination long list.

Dell Magazines, who sponsors the award, granted Zhao an additional year of eligibility. As someone who has advocated making this category (and the Lodestar Award) actual Hugo Award categories, I am glad they are not in this particular case because there are no provisions in the World Science Fiction Convention Constitution to grant this rather immediate and welcome remedy.

I am ecstatic about Zhao’s presence and can hardly wait to read what stories they, and all of the other Finalists, will select for us to read.

One final note: As of this posting, I have heard that the 2023 Hugo Award Finalists have not received their nomination certificates and souvenir pins. If this is true, I find this omission terribly upsetting. In addition, those who still want their Hugo Award trophies (and I am among them) have not received them yet, nearly six months after the end of the Chengdu Worldcon. And while I realize that some may not want them due to the association with the scandal, I think that the Chengdu Worldcon Committee has an obligation to offer these items to those who wish to have them.

As such, I want to publicly urge the responsible parties involved to fulfill their obligations and reach out and poll all of the 2024 Hugo Award Finalists to see if they want to receive what they rightfully deserve.

For more opinions on the 2024 Hugo Award Finalists, here are links two more links with commentary by the 2022 Hugo Award winning Fan Writer Cora Buhlert (“Some Thoughts on the 2024 Hugo Finalists”) and my colleague and 2024 Finalist, Jason Sanford (“Genre Grapevine for March 2024”).

Denise Dutton Review: Hu Chocolate Bar – Hazelnut Butter Dark Chocolate

Posted on April 6, 2024 by Mike Glyer

Review by Denise Dutton: I could get used to high-quality chocolate. Don’t get me wrong; I love me some Thousand Dollar Bars and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I’m as red-blooded as the next chocoholic. But there’s something absolutely decadent about a Fair Trade bar made with organic ingredients. Something that’s got less than a handful of ingredients, yet tastes like something Big Candy could only dream of creating. Like the stuff that comes from Hu Kitchen. I’ve bitten into their Almond Butter+Puffed Quinoa bar and it was absolutely wonderful. But I wondered; would dark chocolate and hazelnut spread work well together, or would it be chocolate overload?

I needn’t have worried. Hazelnut is just as yummy as its almond predecessor. Instead of a Nutella-esque flavor, think of actual ~~filberts~~ hazelnuts ground up and mixed with a touch of sugar to form paste. I loved the nutty taste of this filling, and I’ll definitely be coming back for more; this ain’t no praline, it’s full nut y’all, and it’s glorious. I love hazelnuts, and while I also enjoy the chocolaty spread made from them, this is much more my speed. The nuts are front and center, in perfect balance with the rich and cocoa-heavy chocolate that surrounds it. Having too sweet a filling would have sent this bar into unappetizing sugar overload, and I applaud Hu for knowing when to say when.

This bar easily breaks into eight two-big-bite pieces, and I’d add them to a fruit and cheese tray, or charcuterie board. The not-too-sweet balance of dark chocolate and nuts would play well with soft or hard cheeses, or any meat that isn’t overly peppered. Pop some bubbly to go with it – the cocoa butter richness here almost screams for something bubbly as an accompaniment – and enjoy. But I find that a few squares are perfect; you’ll want to savor this bar, not shove it into your pie-hole like an animal. Are we not men? Well, we’re not on the Island of Doctor Moreau, nor are we Devo (at least I’m not, however much I long for one of those hats), so let us savor.

Or just hole up in your rattiest sweats and scarf down a couple of pieces with a plain seltzer while binging documentaries on YouTube. Tomato-potato.

Denise Kitashima Dutton has been a reviewer since 2003, and hopes to get the hang of things any moment now. She believes that bluegrass is not hell in music form, and that beer is better when it’s a nitro pour. Besides GMR, you can find her at Atomic Fangirl, Movie-Blogger.com, or at that end seat at the bar, multi-tasking with her Kindle.