Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the Hundred & Second

Posted on January 15, 2024 by Mike Glyer

A dark forest sits beneath a starry sky. Creepy black goo drips down the scene. Whimsical white letters read: “Fit the Hundred & Second: All My Characters Are Thin, Lithe, And Have Limpid Eyes.”

[Introduction: Melanie Stormm continues her humorous series of posts about the misdirected emails she’s been getting. Stormm is a multiracial writer who writes fiction, poetry, and audio theatre. Her novella, Last Poet of Wyrld’s End is available through Candlemark & Gleam. She is currently the editor at the SPECk, a monthly publication on speculative poetry by the SFPA.]

ALL MY CHARACTERS ARE THIN, LITHE, AND HAVE LIMPID EYES

Hello, All! Melanie here.

Last week, Writer X and friends started their New Year with a bang, a boom, and then a lot of smoke. Most of this occurred when X accidentally torched Gladys’s house with fireworks.

X is in crisis. While visiting the new department store in town, X saw herself in the dressing room mirrors and realized her weight was the real thing wrong with her writing. She and her new friend, Leonard Biggleton, have started seeing a wellness coach specializing in Internalized Fat Phobia.

Meanwhile, the demon Tryxy wished on New Year’s Eve that his band Demonkitty (a band consisting of one demon on drums and one adorable, deaf kitten on the microphone) would become famous. Wonder of wonders, it seems things are starting to happen. Just last week, the college radio station played their song “Ninevah Burns In My Soul.”

Or maybe it’s a coincidence.

Without further ado…

Subject: I can only be a great writer if I’m THIN, GLADYS!!!!!!!

Dear Gladys,

I went power-walking past your house this morning with my new friend Leonard Biggleton and we noticed that your place was still a heap of blackened posts and rubble. Any idea when you’ll get around to rebuilding??? You can’t live in a tent forever!!! Especially in the middle of January!!!!!

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going. Remember that Internalized Fat Phobia Coach I was telling you about?? If I could just get her to help me lose weight instead of except my weight as it is, my writing would be on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL!!!!! But for some reason, my Internalized Fat Phobia Coach seems to be the LAST person to understand how this works!!!

I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to write this email, but I’m typing with one hand. With the other hand, I’m pumping serious iron.

Hang on, Galdsy, that’s Mr. Morgan calling me. BRB!!! (That means “be right back.”)

Okay, I’m back!!! It seems like every time I turn around, Mr. Morgan is under the delusion that he has a chance of WINNING ANYTHING WITH ME!!!!

Just the other day I was at Mr. Morgan’s Food Emporium and Things Nicely Priced and you know what I heard???? Demonkitty’s song “Ninevah Burns In My Soul” was playing in the canned soup aisle!!!!!! I immediately texted Tryxy and let him know and of course he lost his mind and came running over.

I may have also told Tryxy that Mr. Morgan was a huge fan of his and wanted Demonkitty to come play at the grand opening of his new sushi counter. I have no idea why I said it, Gladys, I just want Tryxy to be happy!!!!!

Then, when Tryxy got to Mr. Morgan’s, Mr. Morgan had the nerve to act like he had no idea what Tryxy was talking about and started saying that he wasn’t sure he had “insurance” that would let a musical act perform next to a food prep counter loaded with sharp knives, raw fish, and a risk of Scromboid Poisoning. When I told him that the MUSICIANS weren’t at ANY risk of Scromboid Poisoning, he too failed to see the point.

Don’t you worry, though, Gladys. I’m going to get Mr. Morgan to book Demonkitty for their sushi counter grand opening if it’s the last thing I do!!!!!

Hang on, Gladys, I dropped my dumbbell on my boyfriend’s laptop. Sweat is slippery!!! I need some weight lifting gloves!!!!

What was I saying??

Oh, I was telling you how the key to me becoming the next big epic fantasy writer of all time is for me to become as thin and impossibly beautiful as my characters!!!!! My new friend, Leonard Biggleton, is also seeing the same Internalized Fat Phobia Coach and he’s experiencing similar results. NO WEIGHT LOSS AT ALL!!!!!

He told me that he started feeling bad about his weight when he was little and it made him depressed and being depressed made him eat and then he gained more weight and no matter how happy his love life is, or how magnificent his Deck Building Business is doing, he still feels like a massive failure in life because he doesn’t have a 32” waist.

Gladys, isn’t that RIDICULOUS????? Leonard Biggleton is handsome, kind, passionate about decks AND fireworks, and he’s got a mean power-walking pace!!!!

I told him so and he smiled softly at me and said, “That’s very kind of you, but it’s not how I feel. I just feel like if I lost all my fat, it would go a long way to getting rid of my internalized fat phobia.”

I comforted him by explaining how my situation is FAR WORSE!!!!! I’m supposed to be the next big epic fantasy writer of all time and while my life looks perfect with my pink wardrobe, fantastic collection of disguises, my faberge egg display, AND I’m in a power couple with none other than my boyfriend, award-nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins who is ADORABLE, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to win awards or write my nine book epic fantasy saga if my thighs jiggle!!!!

Leonard said, “I’m not sure how your weight is connected to your writing?”

FORGIVE HIM, GLADYS, HE DOESN’T KNOW.

I said, “How am I supposed to write with confidence if I’m worried about having a double chin shadow in my author photo, Leonard????”

Then HE said, “What about all the amazing, fat, beautiful SFF writers out there?”

I said, “THIS IS ABOUT ME, LEONARD!!!”

I can’t believe this isn’t obvious to him!!!! It’s not about authors, it’s about CHARACTERS THAT AUTHORS CREATE!!!!!! OUR CHARACTERS ARE HOW WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! I channel my internal loathing into creating impossibly perfect versions of me!!!!! My characters are supposed to be tall, waif like, with purple eyes. WHO ISN’T BETTER WHEN THEY’RE TALL, WAIF LIKE, WITH PURPLE EYES?????

Was Bombur not the fattest and laziest of all the dwarves??? Who idolizes Bombur???

Is there a single scene in all of the Hunger Games trilogy in which Katniss dons her mockingjay pin after wrestling into her favorite pair of Spanx?????

Galdsy, I saw you at the theatre watching Endgame with your cousin Blanche. Was Fat Thor called Sexy As Hell even once???? Okay. I’ll give you that. But by anyone BUT me????

Not to worry. I’m going to give my new and naive Internalized Fat Phobia coach a couple more weeks to come around and see the Writing on the Wall. And in the Books. And in the subtext. After that, I should have lost at least ten pounds and should be feeling a lot more like the Next Big Epic Fantasy Writer of All Time!!!!

Okay, Gladys, I’ve written you an email and completed 40 reps with my 2 lb weights. I’m going to be super strong!!!!! I feel thinner already!!!! I have to see what the scale says!!!!!! BRB!!!! (That means “be right back”.)

I’m sorry. You may have been wondering why I disappeared from writing this email for three and a half hours instead of hitting send.

Well, I weighed myself and saw that I had GAINED four pounds since this morning. Then, I lost my mind and fell into a rotisserie chicken and a whole whoopie pie!!!! Then when my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, found me licking whoopie pie crumbs off a chicken carcass, he said that I had left my dumbells on the scale and that was the reason behind my four pound weight gain. So I got on the scale again but I was now one chicken and a whoopie pie heavier!!!!!

Then he asked “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LAPTOP???”

Gotta go!!!! Pages next week, Gladys!!!!

xox,

ALWAYS

WANTED

TO PLAY

A SUSHI

COUNTER

GRAND

OPENING.

IT’S THE

PERFECT,

UNLIKELY

PAIRING:

ROCK

AND…

ROLL.

GET IT?

Visit to a Replica of Sherlock Holmes’ Sitting Room at 221B Baker Street

Posted on January 15, 2024 by Mike Glyer

By Bill and Teresa Peschel: Inside an unassuming house in Reading, PA is a treasure. It’s a complete down-to-the-last-detail, life-size recreation of Sherlock Holmes’ sitting room at 221B Baker Street.

And, if you’re a member of a Sherlock Holmes fan group (there are many across the world including the U.S. and we welcome new members) you can visit it on open house days.

Teresa Peschel — and Bill. if you know where to look for him.

Bill and I are members of the White Rose Irregulars, a group based in central PA. Thus, when word comes from on high that the sitting room is open for visitors, we make the trek to Reading. The owner, a member of the Baker Street Irregulars, opens up once or twice a year. He gets visitors from across the United States who come to revel in sitting in Sherlock’s own easy chair, gawk at Sebastion Moran’s air rifle, study the chemistry lab, listen to the sound of horses clip-clopping outside on the street, try to identify the hundreds of items on display and connect them to the canon, and buy loads of Sherlock merchandise to supplement their own hoards.

In addition, the owner sells memorabilia to benefit the Baker Street Irregulars Trust. It uses the money raised to raise Sherlock’s profile in the public school system. He acquires it from everywhere: donations, people downsizing their collections, others who have gotten duplicates, or the heirs who don’t know what to do with any of that stuff.

The current plan for the sitting room is it will eventually go, down to the last cocaine syringe and spent bullet casing, to the University of Minnesota’s Sherlock Holmes collection. It will join some 60,000 other items including the Peschel Press contribution to Sherlock studies: The 223B Casebooks. These comprise nine volumes of vintage Sherlock Holmes parodies covering 1888 – 1930. And yes, the owner of Sherlock’s sitting room has a set of our books. We’re very proud.

This is an amazing place to visit. You enter the house, descend the staircase lined with Sherlock movie memorabilia, and enter the sitting room. Once inside, you can walk around and marvel, even touch things. Two passageways lined with more posters and such lead to the memorabilia room. It’s crammed with wonderful treasures you can buy with a clear conscience because you’re supporting the BSI Trust. While you’re there, you can meet and chat with Sherlock fans from across the country, some of them very big names indeed.

But until Sherlock’s sitting room reopens and you can go to Reading, enjoy the pictures.

Bill and Teresa Peschel are indie writers and publishers from Hershey, PA. They publish a wide variety of books, including the 223B Baker Street series which collects vintage Sherlock Holmes fanfiction and annotations of Agatha Christie and Dorothy Sayers golden age mysteries. Visit them at Peschel Press to learn more or follow them on Instagram for daily quotes and posts.

Teresa shows the side of the stairwell covered by framed movie posters.

Leona Wisoker Review: Peace On Earth Chocolate Bar

Posted on January 13, 2024 by Mike Glyer

Bloomsberry & Co.: Peace On Earth Chocolate Bar

Review by Leona Wisoker: The Peace on Earth box says “May this chocolate bring you peace (and quiet) these Holidays, if only for a moment.” Beneath that is a note that this “premium milk chocolate” bar contains 34% Cocoa.

The inside wrapper is more interesting: it seems to be a montage of wrappers created by Bloomsberry, some of which are really cute (“Hanukkah Nosh”, “girthControl Chocolate”, “Mother’s Little Helper”, for example).

The chocolate inside, unfortunately, isn’t as amusing. It’s basic milk chocolate, the type of thing you’d expect to see in Easter Bunnies and chocolate coins and, well, funny-wrapper milk chocolate bars. It’s smooth, and sweet, and milky; not real heavy on chocolate flavor, but really high in sugary taste. It’s a chocolate bar that you could eat up completely before you knew what you were doing, and not even remember it the next day, except that you’ll feel just a little ill for some reason.

Final verdict: Buy it for the wrapper, not the taste.

As a side note, the main web site is one of the most annoying I’ve seen in a while. Lots of little cutesy animations and giggly sound effects to suffer through before finally getting through to a few promotion-heavy-information-light pages, and no mention of the “Peace On Earth” chocolate bar at all. Please don’t go visit the site. Really. (And if you do it anyway, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.) Pass me the dark chocolate instead, thanks.

Speaking of which….

Simple, stylish…I like it!

Chocolove: Coffee Crunch in Dark Chocolate

With a 55% cocoa content, as well as bits of ground up coffee beans in the mix, this is a much more memorable bar than the previous. The wrapper is a basic brown with black text; the graphics are based around an international-traveler theme. Inside the wrapper is a love poem–and no, I won’t tell you who wrote it. You’ll have to go find out for yourself!

And this chocolate is worth tracking down–with a caveat: if you like chocolate-covered espresso beans, this is great. But if you don’t like really hard crunchy stuff (or, obviously, if you don’t like coffee), this isn’t the chocolate bar you’re looking for–move along. The coffee bean pieces lend a nice bitter snap to each bite, but can feel a bit gritty, like chewing a mouthful of coffee grounds (which is, after all, what you’re really doing). This is a chocolate bar you take one piece at a time, over several days; preferably at room temperature, as chilling the bar only increases the harsh crunch of the basic texture.

I enjoyed it, however, and found the slight sweetness of the dark chocolate matched wonderfully with the bitter coffee pieces. I don’t know that I’d shell out for another bar anytime soon -– the taste does tend to stick with you for days afterwards -– but I’d definitely give it as a gift to another coffee and dark chocolate fan.

The Chocolove website is here, and it’s much more informative and significantly less annoying than the Bloomsberry site. This site is well worth a visit, as it details a large, interesting, and varied selection of chocolate bars.

Love and chocolate? Now that’s a winning combination I can live with anytime.

Leona Wisoker writes, sleeps, drinks coffee, writes some more, hunts down food with a sharpened paper clip and a stapler, then goes back to writing. It’s usually dangerous to interrupt any part of that process.

Erin Underwood: The Best Science Fiction and Fantasy Films and TV Episodes of 2023

Posted on January 8, 2024 by Mike Glyer

Inspiring Ideas for this year’s Hugo Awards

By Erin Underwood: The start of a calendar year always brings out the best and worst lists in reviewers. While I won’t do a “Worst of 2023” list because that’s just not my style, I did get inspired to create lists for the Best Movies of 2023 and the Best TV Episodes of 2023 for my YouTube channel where I regularly review films and television shows.

While putting together my “Best of 2023” lists, I realized they were also great suggestions to consider for the Best Dramatic Presentation Hugo Awards ballot. So, I decided to refine my “Best of 2023” lists to double as suggestions to consider for the Hugo Awards because it’s always so hard to remember what I liked while trying to fill out my Hugo Awards ballot.

In addition to my “Best of 2023” lists, which I have included below, I’ve also included links to my videos for each list in case you want to hear my thoughts on these Best of 2023 titles. At the bottom of this post is the full list of films and series that I watched in preparation for making my lists. You may find some good suggestions there, too!

I hope you find these lists valuable since my primary purpose for sharing them with File 770 is to start a discussion about the episodes, series, and movies that we loved in 2023. Hopefully, this will give us a chance to share suggestions with enough time to get caught up on shows that we might have missed before submitting our nominations. If there are titles that I missed that you think people will enjoy, please share your ideas in the comments below.

The Hugo Awards & Glasgow 2024: The Hugo Awards are 100% nominated and selected by thousands of fans, like you and me. From the Hugo Awards website:

During the nomination period, ballots may be cast by anyone who is a member of the current and/or previous year’s Worldcon (as of the end of the previous calendar year). After the nomination period closes, only members of the current Worldcon are eligible to vote on the final ballot.

Learn more about the Hugo Awards and the nomination process here.

Learn more about Glasgow 2024, “A Worldcon for our futures” here. (August 8-12, 2024)

Best Movies of 2023, in no particular order:

Wonka
Godzilla Minus One
The Last Voyage of the Demeter
Hypnotic
Jules
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
The Creator
Star Trek: Picard, Season 3

Best TV Episodes of 2023, in no particular order:

Star Trek Strange New Worlds, Season 2 (Paramount+)

· Episode 3: Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

· Episode 7: Those Old Scientists

· Episode 9: Subspace Rhapsody

The Doctor Who Special Episodes (Disney+)

· Special Episode #3: The Giggle

· Special Episode #4 / Season 14 Episode 0: The Church on Ruby Road

Ahsoka, Season 1 (Disney+)

· Episode 5: Part Five: Shadow Warrior

The Last of Us, Season 1 (Prime Video)

· Episode 3: Long, Long Time

Loki, Season 2 (Disney+)

· Episode 6: Glorious Purpose

The Mandalorian, Season 3 (Disney+)

· Episode 7: Chapter 23: The Spies

Good Omens, Season 2 (Prime Video)

· Episode 5: Chapter 5: The Ball

Star Trek: Picard, Season 3 (Paramount+)

· Episode 10: The Last Generation

Star Wars: The Bad Batch, Season 2 (Disney+)

· Episode 3: The Solitary Clone

· Episode 8: Truth and Consequences

The Films and Series that Inspired My “Best of 2023” Choices: Listed below are the films and television series that I watched in preparation of my Best of 2023 lists. These are not exhaustive lists, but they are large. Again, if there are titles that I missed or you think people will like, please share your ideas in the comments below, and let’s enjoy some great storytelling together!

2023 Movies and Films that fit the Best Dramatic Presentation (Long Form) Hugo Award:

This Award can be given a dramatized production in any medium, including film, television, radio, live theater, computer games or music. The work must last 90 minutes or longer (excluding commercials).

65
A Haunting in Venice
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania
Asteroid City
Barbie
Bird Box: Barcelona
Blue Beetle
Dream Scenario
Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves
Elemental
Godzilla Minus One – Subtitles
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
Haunted Mansion
Hypnotic
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny
Jawan
John Wick: Chapter 4
Jules
Jung_E
Knock at the Cabin
Landscape with Invisible Hand
M3GAN
Migration
Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One
Oppenheimer
Poor Things
Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire
Scavengers Reign – Season 1 (Max)
Shazam! Fury of the Gods
Simulant
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
Star Trek: Picard, Season 3
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, Season 2
Talk to Me
Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Mutant Mayhem
The Creator
The Flash
The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes
The Last Voyage of the Demeter
The Little Mermaid
The Marvels
The Shift
The Super Mario Bros Movie
They Cloned Tyrone
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts
Wish
Wonka

2023 Series that have episodes that fit the Best Dramatic Presentation (Short Form) Hugo Award:

This Award can be given a dramatized production in any medium, including film, television, radio, live theater, computer games or music. The work must be less than 90 minutes long (excluding commercials).

Ahsoka, Season 1 (Disney+)
Black Mirror (Netflix)
Bodies (Netflix)
Carnival Row, Season 2 (Amazon Prime Video)
Doctor Who Special Episodes (Disney+)
Fear the Walking Dead, Season 8 (AMC)
For All Mankind, Season 4 (Apple TV)
Foundation, Season 2 (Apple TV)
From, Season 2 (MGM+)
Good Omens, Season 2 (Prime Video)
Gyeongseong Creature (Netflix) – Subtitles
Invasion (Apple TV)
Loki, Season 2 (Disney+)
Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (Apple TV)
Mrs Davis (Peacock)
Percy Jackson and the Olympians (Disney+)
Scavengers (Max)
Secret Invasion (Disney+)
Silo, Season 1 (Apple TV)
Star Trek Strange New Worlds, Season 2 (Paramount+)
Star Trek: Picard, Season 3 (Paramount+)
Star Wars: The Bad Batch, Season 2 (Disney+)
The Arc, Season 1 (SYFY)
The Last of Us, Season 1 (Prime Video)
The Mandalorian, Season 3 (Disney+)
The Swarm, Season 1 (CW)
The Walking Dead: Darryl Dixon, Season 1 (AMC)
The Walking Dead: Dead City, Season 1 (AMC)
The Witcher, Season 3 (Netflix)
Twisted Metal (Peacock)
Upload, Season 3 (Amazon Prime Video)

Emails From Lake Woe-Is-Me — Fit the One Hundred and First

Posted on January 8, 2024 by Mike Glyer

NEW YEAR, NEW ME!!!

Hello, All! Melanie here.

I hope your New Year is off to a great start. My love and I visited friends in what was one of the best New Year’s we’ve had in a long time.

In true Writer X fashion, it seems she and her friends also celebrated with similar camaraderie and her New Year’s Resolutions started off with a bang.

Without further ado…

Subject: The Biggletons & SOME LIGHT AUGURY

Dear Gladys,

I hope you are off to a productive and prosperous New Year, particularly with regard to decoding the arcane mysteries of your home owner’s insurance policy!!!! I drove by your neck of the woods today and noticed that the smokey tinge hanging over your neighborhood like a funeral pall had mostly, but not quite fully, dissolved.

Anyhoo, I’m sure you’re dying to know how my writing is going and I have to say, I have been thinking a LOT about me and how amazing it is to be the next big epic fantasy writer of all time but, to be truthful Gladys, there are some things deep down inside that I feel I want to change.

FOrtunately for me, those changes will be on the way thanks to our New Year’s Eve celebration at your next door neighbors, the Biggletons. Do you know the Biggletons??? John and Leonard and their pet emu Terrence??? I suggest bringing them a little housewarming gift as soon as enough of the wreckage is cleared. Don’t be a bad neighbor, Galdsy!!!!!!

I have to tell you about the Biggletons and the New Year’s Eve ritual that is about to change EVERYTHING!!!!

It all started when I was checking out the new independent department store in town, Humperdink’s. They had a very nice selection of the highest quality New Hampshire designer clothes, all the haute couture you could possibly dream of in all of New England!!!! They have everything a high-fashion girl like me could want: insulated overalls in at least four shades of camouflage, patent leather-look waders, a full selection of fashionable fishing vests, bright orange lingerie to wear under your hunting gear so that you can be sexy while searching for baers, ubiquitous t-shirts that growl at you about freedom and/or motorcycles.

BUT I DIGRESS!!!! I was trying on a pair of patent leather-look waders in the dressing room and glimpsed myself in the mirror and was alarmed at what I saw. I could have sworn I was taller, thinner, and better looking!!!!! How could the next big epic fantasy writer of all time look like that in the mirror???? That’s when I knew the mirrors at Humperdink’s were broken and I marched out to speak to the manager!!!

Leonard Biggleton had beaten me to the punch!! There he was, standing with a pile of fireworks for his New Year’s Eve celebration, giving the manager a piece of his mind while brandishing a roman candle and saying, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS OF MICROWAVED LEAN CUISINES I HAVE ENDURED ONLY FOR YOUR MIRRORS TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY???!!!!”

To which the manager offered a wonderful brochure for a Body Acceptance Coach specializing in dismantling internalized fat-phobia with a fifteen percent off coupon tucked inside.

Long story short, Leonard invited me, #bestkitten, Tryxy, and my boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, to their New Year’s Eve extravaganza. They have a fantastic tradition in which everyone lights a firework and makes a wish. The bigger the explosion, the more likely your wish at coming true!!!!

Tryxy wished that his band Demonkitty would take off and get a record deal without compromising his college career at Miskatonic Online University. We all wished together with him.

Then, he lit a Super Sizzler Fast Cracker and shot it into the night. It gave off a brilliant green burst but then went a little weird and slid across the sky and into the lake. All in all, we felt like it was a mostly positive omen.

My boyfriend, award nominated fantasy writer Tod Boadkins, made an undisclosed wish and lit a Whooper Whomper. It gave the best explosion of them all—if you’re content with a cascade of your ordinary fire works spray of blue and gold and red.

But Gladys, I’m am proud to tell you that, when I lit a WHO’S YOUR DADDY and wished to change in any way that made me the next big epic fantasy writer of all time FASTER, not only were the initial sparks promising, but when the firework got stuck in that old knob and tube wiring on your roof, the electrical fire that ensued and burned your house to cinders TOLD ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW!!!!

Big things are in store this year, Galdsy!! Big things indeed!!!

Gotta go!! I’m going to be late for my appointment at the Body Acceptance Coach. Fifteen percent off!!

Pages next week, Gladys. Happy New Year!!!

xox,

CAN’T BELIEVE

THIS, BUT

#BESTKITTEN

JUST TOLD

ME OUR

SONG

“NINEVAH

BURNS IN

MY SOUL”

IS PLAYING

ON THE

LOCAL COLLEGE

RADIO

STATION!

Maria Nutick Review: Celebrate with Chocolate

Posted on January 6, 2024 by Mike Glyer

Celebrate with Chocolate by Marcel Desaulniers (HarperCollins, 2002)

Review by Maria Nutick: This is one of the most sensually exciting cookbooks that I’ve ever had the pleasure of adding to my collection. Aside from being an accomplished chef and restaurateur, Desaulniers is a very fine writer. Celebrate with Chocolate is not just a collection of recipes, it’s a good read.

As a cookbook, this has all of the necessary and relevant sections: a comprehensive and very instructive discussion of equipment, common ingredients, and useful techniques; separate chapters entitled “Cakes”, “Cookies”, “Frozen Desserts”, and “Mousses, Candies, and Other Chocolate Treats”, and even a page of online resources for recipes, ingredients, and kitchenware. The book is laid out logically, cooking instructions within each recipe are incredibly detailed, and the hardcover with good sturdy heavy grade paper is just made for heavy use in the kitchen (though admittedly glossy stock would make wiping off the inevitable spills a bit easier). Full color high-gloss pages in the center of the book capture twenty recipes in luscious photographs that will have you salivating in no time at all.

As I said, though, Desaulniers’ writing is a joy to read. “Heavy cream,” he says, “a.k.a. whipping cream, is luscious and luxurious on the palate, somewhat like a butterfly alighting on a stamen.” Oh, my, yes. How about a wedding cake described as “…a magical reprise of lips smeared with buttercream, whispering promises soon to be requited?” Of his Black Mamba cookies, he opines “proffering these profoundly chocolate cookies leads to dangerous liaisons.” The man is an artist with words as well as with pastry. A word of caution, though — while Celebrate with Chocolate is brilliantly designed and written, many of the recipes, such as Caramel Orange-Chocolate Orange Masquerade Ice Cream Terrine or the exotic sounding Champagne Fritters with Chocolate Grape Surprise and Sparkling Cream, are indeed as complicated as their names suggest. This is not a cookbook that I would recommend for a beginner.

Maria Nutick grew up in Central Oregon. She began questioning consensual reality at a very young age, and so her Permanent Record notes that she Did Not Apply Herself and Had Trouble Working Up To Her Full Potential. She sometimes Did Not Play Well With Others. In college, of course, she majored in Liberal Arts.

In the interest of Making Ends Meet she has done everything from baking to managing a theater. She lives in Portland, Oregon with the Furry Horde: 3 cats (Thor, Lucifer, and Moonshine), 2 dogs (Karma and Mojo), and 1 husband. She’s an artsy craftsy type, and — oh horrors — a poet.

Her favorite writers are Holly Black, Emma Bull, Zenna Henderson, Charles De Lint, Parke Godwin, Terri Windling, Sheri S. Tepper, Will Shetterly, and Elizabeth Ann Scarborough. She highly recommends, if you happen to be blue or just having a bad day, that you try listening to Silly Wizard’s “The Queen of Argyll”, Boiled in Lead’s “Rasputin”, and most importantly Tears for Beers’ “Raggle Taggle Gypsy” and “Star of the County Down”. It’s hard to be sad while dancing with wild abandon. At least, Maria thinks so.

Elizabeth Bear Review: Dean’s Sweets — Chocolate from Portland

Posted on January 1, 2024 by Mike Glyer

By Elizabeth Bear: Portland seems to me one of the quintessential New England seacoast towns. With its long streets of red masonry buildings and its quirky alleyways, coffeeshops, and squares, it’s a fine place to spend a wandering day.

It makes sense to me that one of the best local New England chocolates I’ve tried should make its home here.

Dean’s Sweets provided us with a box of four plain dark chocolate truffles and no fanfare. Due to technical difficulties, I didn’t manage to photograph them, so you will have to take my word that they were lovely, with an appealing luster and a good color, presented in an unpretentious little translucent plastic box with a ribbon tie.

After the last two reviews I’ve done, I was starting to wonder if maybe my standards for good chocolate were unrealistically high. But one deep breath of the aroma rising from the Dean’s box renewed my faith in my judgment. It was rich, complex, and absolutely redolent of chocolate.

Nor did the truffles themselves disappoint. Where too often chocolate proclaiming itself top-tier is waxy, overly crisp, fruity, or shallow, this was the real experience. The Dean’s truffles are full of buttery, rich ganache, nuanced in flavor, with spicy vanilla notes.

Apparently, Dean’s believes that it’s better to put a top-quality chocolate inside the wrapper than to splash marketing superlatives all over the outside. And I have to say, I agree completely.

The box of four didn’t actually last long enough for me to offer any to my roommate. I felt vindicated–and very, very satisfied.

Denise Dutton Review: Folkmanis Puppets Dragon Wristlet, Pearl

Posted on December 29, 2023 by Mike Glyer

Review by Denise Dutton: The How to Train Your Dragon series of films has a place in my heart. Toothless is such an adorable cutie, I Cannot Even. But let’s not forget the adorable Light Fury that becomes Toothless’ mate. If you wish you could have one of your very own, the time is now; Folkmanis’ Pearl is an absolute delight.

This particular puppet is part of their Wristlet Puppets collection, along with the Phoenix, Sea Nymph, and Midnight Dragon. And while I adore their larger puppets? When I see this wee puppet wrapped around my wrist, there’s something that tugs at my cold, dead heart. Am I succumbing to the sweetness of this little face? It’s gloriously shiny silver wings? That suede-like patch on her torso? Or perhaps the silver hair that runs down the back of her pearlescent body? (Pearlescent. Pearl. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE FOLKMANIS.)

I could simply say that this dragon is beautifully crafted with nary an imperfect stitch. But really? It’s the way I feel like Pern’s Menolly, with a fire lizard of my very own. In fact, the poem that’s attached to Pearl harks to moments at Faire, or within your favorite dragon-centric fantasy tales. I can’t wait to slide her onto my finger, and wrap her tail around my wrist, for Faire season. When I hear that click of magnet meeting magnet, the base of her tail meeting the uppermost part, I know that she’ll stay put.

One word of caution, however. This wristlet’s magnets are situated in such a way that folks with wrists bigger than your average 12-year-old’s may not be able to have the two meet. Me? My wrists are bony, so that’s not an issue. But even without the magnets meeting, Pearl will wrap around your wrist. She may not stay, so if you take her on walkabout, be sure that she’s got a nice pocket or pack to peek out of, or else she may stray. And you don’t want that.

Denise Kitashima Dutton has been a reviewer since 2003, and hopes to get the hang of things any moment now. She believes that bluegrass is not hell in music form, and that beer is better when it’s a nitro pour. You can find her at Green Man Review, Atomic Fangirl, Movie-Blogger.com, or at that end seat at the bar, multi-tasking with her Kindle.

Happy Hogswatch Gladys!

Posted on December 25, 2023 by Mike Glyer

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Robert Tilendis Review: Brooklyn Born Chocolate’s Holy Molé

Posted on December 23, 2023 by Mike Glyer

Review by Robert Tilendis: At first glance, the idea of chocolate laced with spices more often found in South American cuisine might seem a little off-putting. But hey, they’re all from South America, so there’s got to be some affinity there, right?

Brooklyn Born Chocolate, although currently based in New Jersey, was, indeed, originally in Brooklyn, New York. Executive Pastry Chefe François Bonnet is noted for blending exotic ingredients — fruit, nuts, and spices — with very “normal” counterparts — in the case of their Holy Molé, caramelized Rice Krispies.

Holy Molé comes in a 2.1 oz (60 g) bar scored into six squares. Aside from the chocolate, which is 72% cacao, the ingredients include almond, toffee bits, chile blend spices (pasilla, casabel, ancho, mulato), sesame seeds, and fleur de sel.

Ah, but how does it taste? It’s fairly brittle, but tends to, as they say, melt in your mouth. The overriding taste is chocolate, slightly bitter, with, ultimately, a buttery feel and an underlying saltiness. And, in spite of what you might think from the name (and the ingredients), it’s not particularly spicy — just a sort of tingly aftertaste (but be warned: that tingle builds up the more of it you eat).

All in all, it’s an interesting variation on your basic dark chocolate, but for those not overly fond of spicy foods, best enjoyed in moderation.